Zombies and the Upcoming Election

Barack Obama vs Mitt Romney in Denver Presiden...

Barack Obama vs Mitt Romney in Denver Presidential Debate (Photo credit: DonkeyHotey)

Behind the Scenes - Belmont University Town Ha...

Behind the Scenes – Belmont University Town Hall Presidential Debate Hall (Photo credit: Paul Chenoweth)

In all of the chatter about the upcoming Presidential election, neither candidate nor party has come out publicly with a policy to address our burgeoning zombie population. Other government agencies, notably the CDC and FEMA, have used the zombie apocalypse as an object lesson on disaster preparedness and disease transmission. But they have also remained silent on the subject of what to do with our friends and loved ones that have succumbed to the Infection.

In an earlier post, Romney and the Zombie Fiasco, we distilled the political parties response to the existence of zombies in our midst as this:

Republicans envisioned a non-union zombie workforce able to replace migrant workers and add to the tax base. In their employment scheme, humans would capture and train zombies to do manual labor and zombie wages would be paid to the “owner” and taxed at a lower rate.

The Democrats proposed the government “own” all zombies, capture and train them at the taxpayer’s expense, and put them to work doing menial work, such as stuffing envelopes, manning post offices, and verifying the census.

The Libertarians proposed quarantining the infected in Alaska and letting them figure out what to do on their own.

None of these proposals take into account the unpredictable nature of zombie hunger, the difficulty in training or restraining zombies to render them harmless, and the medical reality that zombies require massive amounts of health care to address their decomposition. Since, as a nation, we are already understaffed with primary care doctors and have an inefficient healthcare system that doesn’t provide preventive care to thousands of uninsured Americans, it seems selfish to divert needed resources from the living to take care of people who are metabolically challenged.

Because of the lack of information (spokespeople for both major candidates refused to be interviewed for this post), the Zombie Emergency Relief Organization can only offer guidelines for voters to think about prior to placing their vote.

1.) Will the candidate defend the rights of all Americans, not discriminating on the basis of or lack of metabolism, communication, or conformity with what “normal” America looks like?

2.) Will the candidate champion new medical technologies as they are developed to assist in bettering the lives of all Americans and refuse to let special interest groups make medical decisions based on their particular dogma?

If your candidate can answer “yes,” you have some assurance that in the next zombie apocalypse, your family and friends will be protected from harm rather than hunted down in the street and shot.  Remember, we are all only one mutation away from zombification.

In closing, a poem by Pastor Martin Niemoller, 1945:

First they came for the Communists,
and I didn’t speak up,
because I wasn’t a Communist.
Then they came for the Jews,
and I didn’t speak up,
because I wasn’t a Jew.
Then they came for the Catholics,
and I didn’t speak up,
because I was a Protestant.
Then they came for me,
and by that time there was no one
left to speak up for me.

Make your voice heard. Vote.


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