The Origin of the Great Infection aka mini zombapocalypse

No Artificial Growth Hormones

No Artificial Growth Hormones (Photo credit: Tillamook Cheese)

The number one question asked at the Zombie Emergency Relief Organization’s educational sessions is why the mainstream media didn’t alert the citizenry to the Great Infection (aka mini zombie apocalypse). As none of us are associated with the mainstream media, we can only guess at the reasons for the cover up. What we can do is present the events that we believe led to the Great Infection.

The Great Infection was not a random event or a deliberate act of terrorism. It was human error. The Centers for Disease Control  and Prevention (CDC) had been actively studying a progressive neurological disease that affects cattle called BSE (bovine spongiform encephalopathy) aka mad cow disease. Strong epidemiologic and laboratory evidence suggested that  BSE exposure led to the development of a progressive neurological disease in humans called Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease (vCJD). Unfortunately, the CDC did not have the solid evidence to ban the material thought to carry BSE such as pituitary hormones.

Cratchit Nutraceuticals, a company producing pituitary-derived human growth hormone (HGH) failed to follow proper procedure both in screening and acquiring potentially BSE infected material.  This led to products contaminated with CJD. Their proprietary formula is suspected of causing a CJD mutation that caused the zombification of small-statured children taking the medication. For reasons only known to medical epidemiologists, the majority of these short statured children were located in the Northeast section of the United States.

Cratchit Nutraceuticals also compounded human growth hormone tablets and injections under the name of Tiny No More Supplements and Old No More supplements. These were manufactured using the discarded byproducts of the injectable human growth hormone and encapsulated in pill form. The market for these pills was predominantly Southern California.

Celebrity endorsements and the increasing desire for  aging baby boomers to restore their vigor led to an explosion in the use of off-label and internet-pharmacy dispensing of these tainted HGH products. Easy access and lax standards allowed the products to be shipped without appropriate testing.

The first wave of attacks happened predominantly in middle schools, gyms, and on movie sets. The violence was alternately blamed on “normal childhood beahvior,”  “roid rage,”  and “temperamental actors.”  A massive containment effort in Los Angeles failed when infected actors and athletes, lured by the promise of a telethon, escaped into a nearby Megachurch.  Over 2,500 religious faithful were infected.

Fearful of sparking a panic, the government imposed news blackouts and cordoned off suspect locations including most Gold’s Gyms, acting studios, professional sports stadiums, and middle schools in the Northeast. It was felt that these actions would stop the infection from spreading. They were wrong.

Reaction to the infection varied. Actors and actresses initially continued to attend awards ceremonies and movie screenings, attacking and infecting more individuals. Celebrity athletes refused to curtail their schedules, leading to several horrific incidents at sports stadiums. Parents of infected children attempted to protect their children by keeping them at home and hidden. This failed strategy led to entire families succumbing to the infection. The religious faithful gathered in large healing circles, providing a perfect medium for the infection to spread.

By this time the rest of the world had learned of our problem and basically quarantined the United States. Harsh measures passed in Washington, D.C. led to a shoot on sight policy for all suspected of harboring the infection.  This led to a secondary wave of deaths as trigger happy citizens blasted anyone they felt was remotely threatening.

Our organization intervened for the children and passed a special Presidential proclamation guaranteeing sanctuary for infected children under the age of 17.

The mainstream media alternately attributed the above events to bath salts, a new form of synthetic marijuana, and religious hysteria. An amendment to the Patriot Act prevented anyone from posting or publicizing the number of people infected or the means used to stop the infection. This virtual news blackout led to large swaths of the country being unaware of what was happening, and unable to respond appropriately.

Finally, in the biggest mobilization of armed forces in our country’s history, a three day Labor Day Weekend sweep deputized every non-infected man, woman, and child over thirteen to systematically search for and contain people with signs of the infection. Rumors of a mass burial site in the Grand Canyon have not been, and will never be confirmed.

Once the infection was contained and the products implicated destroyed and taken off the market, small bands of Navy SEALS were charged with dealing with the very small number of infected still wandering freely on the periphery of our society.

The entire process, from the first roll out of the contaminated HGH products to the Labor Day Weekend Sweep, took approximately eight months. Several high profile projects proposed by Ken Burns, Steven Spielberg, and Stephen Colbert have been placed on hold indefinitely. The official government records of this action, code named “One to the Head” have been sealed for one hundred years. As you now know, our orphaned zombie children are truly innocents in this episode. Corporate greed, lax government regulation, and internet prescribing are the real villains in this sad chapter of the American novel.

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