Now that the holidays have wound down and we’re back to our normal routine, the time seems right to share our wishes for the new year. We’ve been blessed in that everyone involved with our organization has followed our rigid guidelines designed to keep our children, staff and visitors safe. We’ve also been lucky that people have respected our request to not reveal the location of our facility. Though public sentiment is slowly changing, there are still those who would indiscriminately slaughter our children if they could find us. Our continued efforts to educate the public have resulted in many positive changes, as well as donations, but these remain perilous times for those who harbor and love zombies.
We owe a debt of gratitude to the many volunteers who help with the building maintenance, cow brain gathering, and million other details required to keep this organization running. Unfortunately, there is one need that continues to go unmet – health maintenance.
Though we don’t worry about the children being tested or treated for the usual childhood ailments of chicken pox, stomach aches, and attention deficit disorder, we do worry about their physical integrity. Each of these children suffer from chronic decomposition. Since their bodies can’t repair themselves, a minor injury for a live child can bec0me a life changing injury for a zombie child. A live child that trips and skins their knee relies on a parent, a bandaid, and perhaps some antibiotic ointment with a kiss to make it better. A zombie child that trips and skins their knee can’t regenerate the skin, leaving a gaping wound that constantly oozes and leads to more skin breakdown. Eventually it can lead to the loss of a limb. Imagine a zombie child, happy and mobile one day, pushing themselves around one-legged the next. That is why we are putting out an urgent call for seamstresses and surgeons to volunteer at our facility.
The surgeon positions would be responsible for a monthly inspection of all of the children to identify bodily areas in need of reinforcement or replacement as well as on call hours to address emergencies. Most of the work will be of a cosmetic nature, so plastic surgeons are encouraged to apply. Seamstresses who are skilled in no-show stitching techniques and working with silk and chiffon are also wanted as we anticipate a steady stream of routine repairs that may be safely carried out by trained seamstresses. We are not open to medical students or others who wish to practice their skills as we feel our kids have already been subjected to enough without being treated as practice objects.
Applications may be submitted via resume to firstname.lastname@example.org and we will acknowledge receipt of your resume via return email. Please include the number of hours per month you are willing to volunteer as well as any previous interactions with zombie children or other under-served group. Leprosy experience helpful, but not required. We can provide some travel expenses, but those on the West Coast should only apply if willing to take care of their own. All volunteers must undergo a criminal background check and drug testing. Hiring is contingent upon signing a strict non-disclosure agreement with monetary damages if violated.
Please feel free to repost and email us at email@example.com for any additional questions. Remember, we feed the zombie children so you won’t have to.
Zombie Emergency Relief Organization