Don’t Fear the Zombies

As part of our mission at the Zombie Emergency Relief Organization, we strive to demystify zombies by shedding light on their habits and lifestyles. Though some continue to ignore the reality of zombies, we know there are zombies among us (one of the little zombie children is pushing a broom not five feet away from me as I write). We know what zombies are capable of, and we also know they can be retrained to be useful members of society. So why the fear?

Dangerous children? Slow children? Zombie chil...

Dangerous children? Slow children? Zombie children? (Photo credit: Nick J Webb) Dead and slow is my guess.

The reality of what we know is contrary to Seth Grahame Smith’s statement in Pride and Prejudice and Zombies that “It is a truth universally acknowledged that a zombie in possession of brains must be in want of more brains.” A rehabilitated zombie leads a full life in which the need of brains is only a small piece.

N/R

N/R (Photo credit: Wikipedia) We feed our kids 100% cow brains which protects humans from mad cow disease.

We’re not advocating anyone face down a horde of zeds unless one is sure they have been trained not to attack. Unfortunately, this can’t be deduced from twenty paces. To determine if a zombie has bad intentions, one must be up close. For those brave few, willing to take the time and really look, here are a few clues to help you determine whether a zombie plans to eat your brains or clean your floors.

Danger Sign: Tooth gnashing, excessive slobbering, lip smacking (if lips intact), leading with mouth.

Friendly Sign: Head bobbing, leading with chin, mouth slightly open (think Night at the Roxbury)

Danger Sign: Lurching, rapid walk with no deviation in path

Friendly Sign: Shambling walk that zigzags

Danger Sign: “Man-eating zombies ahead,” “Beware of Zombies,” “This Area Contains Flesh-Eating Zombies”

Friendly Sign: “Zombie child sanctuary ahead”

We will be releasing a series of short videos to graphically demonstrate these principles. In the meantime, if faced with an untethered zombie take a moment to decipher their intentions. You may be pleasantly surprised.

Remember, we feed the zombies so you won’t have to.

Zombie Emergency Relief Organization

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