March Into Madness: Freebies Worth Missing

In the quest to bring you the best in free zombie stories, features, and swag, we end up wading through a lot of ‘not so great’. Most of the time, these are read, discarded, and we all go on with our lives. Sometimes the bad sticks with us.

Of course, bad isn’t necessarily bad. Sometimes bad transforms into camp and ends up being so-bad-it’s-good, as is the case of Attack of the Killer Tomatoes or The Room (considered by some to be the Citizen Kane of bad movies). The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction contest annually looks for poorly written prose to honor the memory of the poorly written introduction to a novel that starts: “It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents — except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.”

Though the staff members of the Zombie Emergency Relief Organization have chosen labels for these books according to our individual tastes, remember not all tastes are the same (which is why zombies love to eat brains and most humans don’t). We challenge our readers to try out some of these less-than-masterpieces and see what you think. Perhaps we’ve mislabeled the next cult classic.

Most Age Inappropriate Character: Victor Standish Must Die! by Roland Yeomans and Leonora Roy

 VICTOR STANDISH MUST DIE!

Victor Standish cracks jokes like an old school private eye, swears like a sailor, and makes one-liners following zombie dismemberment like Jason Statham in every movie he’s ever starred in.

 Victor Standish is also seven years old.

 

Most Unlikely Setting for a Zombie Uprising: Zombie High by Roger Laird

zombie high

 

Zombie High tells the story of a high school overrun by energy drink swilling student zombies. Thankfully, the high school also happens to be a retired military base which can be locked down into three separate zones. And the lockdown feature still functions. And the principal has the code.

While I agree that all high schools should have the capability of a modern prison to lock students into a specific area, I don’t think it’s a reality anywhere.

 

Biggest Paranormal Mash up: Bloodbath on the Titanic by Stewart King

bloodbath-on-the-titanic

 

Suppose the Titanic didn’t sink because it hit an iceberg. It really sank because it was infested with superhuman zombie-mummy-werewolf hybrids. Bloodbath on the Titanic explores the horrific events, and the story is as melodramatic as the cover’s promise: “They didn’t know it would be their last buffet – or that they were on the menu…”

 

Worst Portrayal of Women: The Last Mailman by Kevin Burke

the last mailman

 

It’s hard to top The Walking Dead in their portrayal of woman as incompetent zombie-bait, but top it The Last Mailman did!

In The Last Mailman, Mitt Romney’s dreams come true and binders full of women are sent among the menfolk so they can choose who to spend the night with. Bonus: The women are totally into this! Sure, they don’t like being traded like prize calves, but even the married women are happy to jump into bed with the next john…er, I mean survivor.  

 

Most Uncomfortable Stereotype: Victor Standish Must Die! by Roland Yeomans and Leonora Roy

Victor Standish Must Die! scored a two-fer when he introduced the character of Leroy. Like young Victor, Leroy swears and cracks jokes. But apparently it wasn’t enough to introduce the only black character in the novel by mentioning his ethnicity. He also needs to talk like Black Dynamite the entire novel, fools!

 I am cringing just writing that…

 

Most Misleading Title: Now It Begins: HoMombies by JS Desiato

now-it-begins-by-js-desiato-21693958

 

This story is not about homosexual zombies nor is it about ho’s.

 

Zombie Novel Ready for a Screenplay: C’mon and Do the Apocalypse Vol 1 by Brian Panowich

 Apocalypse Vol 1 cover

I’m not awarding this because I believe it should be turned in a movie, but C’mon and Do the Apocalypse jumped the gun a little. Half the dialogue is in quotes and the other half is in stage direction. For example:

            Dawn: Go look (Calm.)

            Me: Go look at what?

            Dawn: Go look. (Less Calm.)

 I wasn’t sure if I should be reading it or acting it out with friends. Of course asking friends to act out “28 Days of Mutilated Zombie Whores Later” will probably decrease the guest list at my next party.

So, check them out, let us know what you think, and try to guess which one of these gems will make the jump from bad fiction to cult classic.

Your friends at the Zombie Emergency Relief Organization, still feeding the zombie children so you won’t have to.

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