Zombie Children Coming To Your Town (Maybe)

lake keowee

lake keowee (Photo credit: zen) Still keeping our exact location a secret, but it’s in this general vicinity.

The Zombie Emergency Response Organization (ZERO) is  proud to announce we’re opening a second sanctuary for zombie children in beautiful upstate South Carolina. Though the majority of our residents are from New England and Canada, there are an increasing number of referrals from Florida, Georgia, North and South Carolina.  Part of our mission includes keeping the families of these children, when we can identify them, involved in their child’s life.  Our New England location, convenient to several major interstates, is convenient for northern families and facilitates their ability to visit and spend time with their zombie kids.  Unfortunately the rising cost of airfare and gas has robbed many southern families of the means to visit their children more than once or twice a year.  We’ve tried to fill the need with chartered buses and allowing families to travel by our Underground Railroad system, but these methods proved to be too much of a security risk and we’ve had to discontinue them.

When we surveyed the country to see what resources were available to zombie children we found that the West Coast zombie children have been embraced by Scientology. The Southwest protects their zombies on Indian Reservations. The Midwest, Alaska, and Hawaii steadfastly maintain they have no zombie children within their border.  The only area without a zombie plan is the South. This information led to our decision to open  a new sanctuary on Lake Keowee in South Carolina to accommodate zombie children from Southern states.

Lake Keowee, a manmade lake constructed by Duke Energy, offers several large islands as well as secluded, non-developed coves that are capable of keeping our children physically segregated and secure. The temperate weather will save our organization the high cost of New England fuel. The low taxes will free up money for additional staff members and plant improvements. The famed hospitality of South Carolinian‘s will prevent the occasional stand-off that takes place in New Hampshire between local residents and lost family members.

Our initial plans include a fifty-bed housing unit as well as ten lakeside cabins for visiting family. We’ve already received our permits and are putting up fences and pouring concrete. Our projected opening date is September 2013 and we’ll be accepting applications and referrals starting June 13, 2013.

Remember, we feed the zombie kids so you won’t have to.

Zombie Emergency Relief Organization


2 comments on “Zombie Children Coming To Your Town (Maybe)

  1. tom says:


    Don’t let this ruse fool you. While the Zombie Emergency Relief Organization has provided great service to New England zombie children, ZERO founder and Chief Medical Officer Renee Maynes is reportedly abandoning her Northeastern operations to embark upon a “southern strategy” namely due to a fallout with her largest financial backer…J. Paul Legree.

    It seems Legree caught wind of ZERO’s accounting malfeasance in numerous questionable expenses including and not limited to; posh zombie retreats (Key West, Ireland and Jamaica to name a few), bogus zombie educational scholarships, zombie children soccer camps and large purchases of gold. CMO Maynes denies any wrongdoing but has declined further comment.

    Financial heavyweight J. Paul Legree speaks candidly in the following interview;

    Zombie Times Reporter (ZTR):” Mr. Legree, thank you for this interview.”

    J. Paul Legree (JPL):” My pleasure.”

    ZTR- ” Let’s cut to the chase. Why would a world renowned investor like yourself involve himself in the zombie child salvation effort”?

    JPL- “Because no family is safe from this epidemic, including my own.”

    ZTR- “Are you saying YOUR family has been affected”?

    JPL- “That’s exactly what I’m saying. My grandchild and namesake J.P. the 3rd had somehow become exposed back in 2010 and all the money in the world (or half of my net worth) couldn’t help JP3. I was desperate. I googled my predicament and the ZERO organization kept popping up.”

    ZTR-” That’s the Zombie Emergency Relief Organization you’ve funded so generously these last three years.”

    JPL- “Yes indeed.”

    ZTR- “What prompted you to give such support”?

    JPL-“Hope. They were my only hope. As you know, this country, this world for that matter have been in a state of denial as to the scourge of zombification. ZERO offered hope where even a man of great fortune was destitute,”

    ZTR- “So what happened, why after three years of your backing are you breaking ranks”?

    JPL-“Loss of hope. They’re leaving me. They’re leaving JP3. They’re only in it for themselves. I know I was demanding but to leave the good work we were all doing… Excuse me,(sobs) I have to stop the interview. Let’s pick this up at another time”.

  2. We remain grateful to Mr. Legree for his generous support over the years, and see our South Carolina venture as a natural progression of our evolution, rather than an abandonment of our commitment to New England.

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