2013 was a busy year for the Zombie Emergency Relief Organization. For those of you just joining us, as well as those who want to remember the year that was, here is 2013 in review.
January 2013: Our call for surgeons and seamstresses to help maintain and repair our zombie kids is met with overwhelming success. Over twenty-five board certified surgeons and thirty-two seamstresses answer our call and set up teams for both routine skin repairs and emergencies. The program comes to the attention of New England‘s premier academic medical center and they generously offer to use our facility as an internship location for surgical residents. The influx of students leads to the publication of several academic papers including “Tensile Strength in Zombie Skin: Implications for Plastic Surgeons” and “Microbial Pathogenesis in Undead Tissue.”
February 2013: After the government of Canada declares their opposition to sheltering zombies, we offer haven to orphaned Canadian zombie kids. What starts as a trickle, turns into a flood as Canadian parents and relatives that had been sheltering zombies cross the border to New Hampshire. Our population doubles in February, but the kind-hearted people of Canada donate money, clothing, and chain link fencing to help us accommodate the new arrivals.
March 2013: A New Hampshire state representative reveals his son as a zombie on the House floor. In the ensuing chaos, New Hampshire legislators begin drafting bills to either protect, or remove, the rights of zombie kids. Numerous candle light vigils and inflammatory blog posts illuminate the issue while the Legislature debates amending the state motto from “Live Free or Die” to the original toast it was derived from, “Live free or die: Death is not the worst of all evils.”
April 2013: We share our preservation method, brining, with the world. We turn down invitations to appear on “The View,” “The Daily Show,” and “The Talk.” After much coaxing, we reluctantly agree to appear on “The Tonight Show,” but the appearance never happens after an unfortunate incident with a curious audience member and one of our charges.
May 2013: We start construction on a second preserve at Lake Keowee South Carolina. Construction is slow, and the weather warm and we inadvertently discover that fire ants die after biting our zombie kids. Scientists convene to see if our kids have the solution to one of the South’s most vexing problems. Our preserve is the only fire ant free zone in South Carolina.
June 2013: A hot spell and lack of air conditioning result in the discovery that zombies slow down in prolonged heat, entering a hibernation-like state. Biologists from the South Carolina Department of Natural Resources arrive to investigate. Their conclusion? Even zombies have the sense not to work too hard in hot weather.
July 2013: Our New Hampshire facility gets dragged into a PETA demonstration. Misguided activists attempt to jump the fences and free the zombie kids. Our fences hold until the New Hampshire National Guard arrives. No zombie kids, or activists, are hurt.
August 2013: The Sea Shepherd arrives at Lake Keowee with plans to harass our zombie preserve by water and pitch a new show idea to the Discovery Channel. Helpful South Carolinians quickly assemble a flotilla of boats, kayaks, and rubber rafts to protect our shore. We provide cases of beer for the thirsty sailors and a sound system capable of being heard all the way to the ocean. Captain Paul Watson accepts defeat, and a cold Natty Light, before leaving the state.
September 2013: With construction complete at the end of September, we offer our New Hampshire staff members the opportunity to transfer to our South Carolina location. Unfortunately all of them decide to transfer and we make the sad decision to close our New Hampshire preserve and relocate all of our kids to South Carolina. The resulting savings in property taxes enables us to start construction on a second site on Lake Hartwell.
October 2013: A joyful month capped off by the marriage of our public relations director, Sarah Carpenter. Using our beautiful preserve as a backdrop, guests drank, ate, and played into the wee hours. Local celebrity, Tiny Dancer Josh, made a rare public appearance.
November 2013: We gave thanks in November by allowing our older kids to serve at several Oconee County homeless shelter Thanksgiving dinners. Dressed in turkey outfits, complete with masks, guests were kept safe and no spare body parts ended up in the stuffing.
December 2013: A peaceful moonlight Christmas Eve service at our lakeside retreat attracted over 200 community members to pray with us. Truly, we are in God’s land here.
We look forward to returning to regular posting in 2014, including our Friday Book Review feature. Upcoming book reviews include BREW by Bill Braddock and DEAD TIDE by Stephen North. Looking for something to read in the meantime? Below are a few of the books we reviewed in 2013.
Happy New Year from your friends at the Zombie Emergency Relief Organization.