You Have Questions, We Have Answers

Our mailbox overflows with questions from people curious about specific aspects of the Zombie Emergency Relief Organization. Today, we will answer some of those questions.

Question Mark Graffiti
Question Mark Graffiti (Photo credit: Bilal Kamoon)

From George in Idaho: Why do you feed the children cow brains and how many brains do you go through on a yearly basis?

Dennis,  please refer to this link: http://feedthezombiechildren.org/2012/10/30/i-feed-zombies-so-you-dont-have-to/ for the full story on how we came to our decision to use cow brains. As far as how many we go through on an annual basis, each full-grown cow brain is a little shy of 1 pound. Our nutritionists have carefully calculated that zombie children need approximately 1/2 pound of brain per day to keep them active and healthy. Therefore the amount of brains depends on how many children we have on-site. With 200 zombie kids, we need approximately 36,500 pounds annually or 16 1/2 metric tons.

From Caroline in Seattle: Are there any plans to make your zombie kid restraint devices available to the general public? It seems they would come in handy for people who are keeping their zombie kids at home.

Caroline, handling zombie children is best left to professionals. Our team of zombie happiness engineers work to ensure each restraint is as humane and pain-free as possible. Unfortunately we feel making them available to people without the proper training and support would only result in tragedy. On the advice of our legal team, there are no plans to market our devices.

Restraint Chairs
Restraint Chairs (Photo credit: j_bary)

Rex from the Florida Panhandle: In my area, many people die while waiting for organ transplants. Can’t the zombies be put to use for spare parts?

Rex, ethically we can’t condone using zombies as “spare parts.” Additionally, zombies exist in a chronic state of decomposition. Transplanting a zombie organ into a live human wouldn’t help the human as they’d now have a totally non-working organ which would hasten the death of the recipient.

English: Dr. Ehtuish Preforming An Organ Trans...
English: Dr. Ehtuish Preforming An Organ Transplant. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Scott from Cincinnati: Are there any plans to open up your zombie preserve for hunting opportunities?

Scott, if you can look at the faces of our kids and want to shoot them, there is too much wrong with you to address in this post. Please contact a mental health professional and get the help you so desperately need.

Delilah from New Hampshire: I’ve heard airlines are planning a rule change to prohibit transport of zombies. Are you opening up additional havens for zombie kids in the Midwest and West Coast?

Deliliah, we’ve been in contact with airline executives about this troubling rule change. Our preferred method of transport is through our underground zombie railroad (read the post at http://feedthezombiechildren.org/2012/10/15/the-zombie-underground-railroad/), but in some cases we’ve been forced to rely on air transport. Currently we can fly zombie kids in hardcover golf club cases as checked baggage for a reasonable fee. If this practice is stopped, it will negatively impact our ability to take zombie kids from the West Coast. Though we have no plans to open any additional facilities, we’ve recently added a Washington lobbyist to our staff and hope he can resolve this issue to our satisfaction.

Carousel 4
Carousel 4 (Photo credit: gloom)

Sandra from South Carolina: I’ve heard that zombies eat fire ants. Can I rent a zombie to make my yard a fire ant-free zone?

Sandra, yes, we have discovered that zombie are naturally attracted to fire ant nests. Researchers at our preserve estimate one zombie can clear a half-acre of fire ant nests in one day. Currently we are sponsoring a study to find out why zombies are impervious to the bites and venom of fire ants.  As far as renting a zombie to clean your yard of fire ants, the answer is no. These are children, decomposing children, but children nonetheless. We do not rent them out.

And our last question is from Jacques in Montreal: Since your move to South Carolina, have you noticed the warmer weather hastens the children’s decomposition or retards it?

Excellent question, Jacques. Our patented brining process keeps our zombie children in good shape by preserving, or curing, their skin. Unfortunately proper curing must take place in a narrow temperature range to be effective. Too cold or too warm will result in improperly cured skin and lead to quicker decomposition. We’ve adjusted by creating a curing room which is kept at a steady 38 degrees and holds ten children. Ask for a tour next time you visit our zombie habitat!

Do you have a question? Send it to us at feedthezombiechildren@gmail. com for an answer. Remember, we feed the zombie kids so you won’t have to.

Zombie Emergency Rescue Organization

Zombie Children: Not for Sale or Rent

A kind of caution sign.

A kind of caution sign. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

 

 

Since the Great Infection, aka mini zombie apocalypse, the Zombie Emergency Relief Organization has served as a clearinghouse for information on zombie children and a research lab of sorts. Our mission, providing caring, humane housing for orphaned zombie kids, has always focused on the needs of the children, rather than the needs of society. Some of our decisions, such as to feed the children cow’s brains, indirectly benefit humankind, in this case by diverting potentially Mad Cow infected matter from the human food stream. Other decisions, including our efforts to someday become a restraint-free facility, are of benefit only to our charges.

 

Our research activities have focused primarily on observing and recording zombie behavior. The dream that one day zombies and humans can co-exist will only occur if we find a way to stop zombies from eating human brains and a way to stop humans from killing zombies. Understanding the basics of how zombies exist and think brings us closer to this dream. Though there are organizations that have offered us money to, for example, test pharmaceuticals on our children or experiment to find the most efficient ways to kill them, it is easy to resist the lure of easy money when one is trying to change the world.

 

Recently, internet forums have buzzed with rumors that the Zombie Emergency Relief Organization is now in the business of renting and selling zombie children. E-bay auctions, featuring some of our better known children such as Smiling Jack and Valentina, have sprung up overnight with bidding going into the thousands of dollars. Other sites purport to sell our zombies by the pound, with the going price of zombies only slightly more expensive than Maine lobster. Conspiracy theorists accuse us of using the children for pharmaceutical research and show doctored photos of zombie kids that have died from experiments gone bad.

 

None of this is true.

 

Due to security, we can’t throw open the doors to our sanctuary and show people these are lies. We can install webcams to prove our children are well fed, treated with love, and not used as lab animals or sold as livestock. Hopefully these will be up and running by next week and the rumor mongers and zombie haters will, once again, have to turn their vicious lies elsewhere.

 

With great sadness tonight, we ask you to remember that we feed the zombie children so you won’t have to.

 

Zombie Emergency Relief Organization

 

Canada Says No to Zombies While England Prepares for the Undead

“Keep Calm and Avoid the Undead,” the English government warns in a new video explaining the aftermath of an event they call “The Rising.” This event has resulted in a zombie infestation in  parts of England. Much as the Zombie Emergency Relief Organization would like to help our neighbors across the pond, the logistics of moving zombie children via boat or airplane across the Atlantic Ocean is more than our finances and current infrastructure can support.

After numerous brainstorming sessions, we’ve committed to sending five of our most experienced zombie child wranglers to England to aid in the capture and rehabilitation of the English zombie children. We’ve assurances from the highest levels of the British government that they, too, our committed to preventing the slaughter of innocent zombie children and they have arranged a secure facility to house them.

England’s quick response to the Rising, complete with television and print ads supplemented by phone calls, is in stark contrast to America‘s response when faced with the Great Infection. Unfortunately, our country first ignored the problem, then attempted to cover it up by indiscriminately killing all of the infected.  By going public at the outset, England will be able to stop a secondary wave of infection and save countless lives. We salute their bold, public strategy.

There are those cynical few who believe the protection of English zombie children is only a temporary move, designed to purge the country of cow brains and, possibly, horse meat that was mislabeled and fed to humans. In truth, England is taking the lessons learned from their unfortunate brush with mad cow disease and trying a different tack. England’s initial response to mad cow disease was to deny the problem and downplay the potential cost to human life. This strategy led to continued exposure and deaths.  Since then, their government has more readily responded to scientific advice and exchanged secrecy for transparency at the first hint of a problem involving public health. All of these attributes are clearly displayed in the government’s new video.

zombies---wgme_244x183

Other countries will be well advised to watch England’s response and, in case of a similar event in their country, be prepared to follow England’s lead.

As always, we ask you to remember that we feed the zombie kids so you won’t have to. We look forward to doing it in two countries.

Zombie Emergency Relief Organization

Ask Us A Question, We Won’t Tell You A Lie

Our mailbox is overflowing with questions from people curious about specific aspects of the Zombie Emergency Relief Organization. Today, we will answer some of those questions.

Question Mark Graffiti

Question Mark Graffiti (Photo credit: Bilal Kamoon)

From Dennis in Idaho: Why do you feed the children cow brains and how many brains do you go through on a yearly basis?

Dennis,  please refer to this link: http://feedthezombiechildren.org/2012/10/30/i-feed-zombies-so-you-dont-have-to/ for the full story on how we came to our decision to use cow brains. As far as how many we go through on an annual basis, each full-grown cow brain is a little shy of 1 pound. Our nutritionists have carefully calculated that zombie children need approximately 1/2 pound of brain per day to keep them active and healthy. Therefore the amount of brains depends on how many children we have on-site. Currently we house 200 zombie kids, resulting in the consumption of approximately 36,500 pounds annually or 16 1/2 metric tons.

Mmmm. Brains.

Mmmm. Brains. (Photo credit: owenstache)

From Caroline in Seattle: Are there any plans to make your zombie kid restraint devices available to the general public? It seems they would come in handy for people who are keeping their zombie kids at home.

Caroline, handling zombie children is best left to professionals. Our team of zombie happiness engineers work to ensure each restraint is as humane and pain-free as possible. Unfortunately we feel making them available to people without the proper training and support would only result in tragedy. On the advice of our legal team, there are no plans to market our devices.

Restraint Chairs

Restraint Chairs (Photo credit: j_bary)

Rex from the Florida Panhandle: In my area, many people die while waiting for organ transplants. Can’t the zombies be put to use for spare parts?

Rex, aside from the ethical issues, zombies exist in a chronic state of decomposition. Transplanting a zombie organ into a live human wouldn’t help the human, instead they would now have a totally non-working organ which would hasten the death of the recipient.

English: Dr. Ehtuish Preforming An Organ Trans...

English: Dr. Ehtuish Preforming An Organ Transplant. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Scott from Cincinnati: Are there any plans to open up your zombie preserve for hunting opportunities?

Scott, if you can look at the faces of our kids and want to shoot them, there is too much wrong with you to address in this post. Please contact a mental health professional and get the help you so desperately need.

Delilah from New Hampshire: I’ve heard airlines are planning a rule change to prohibit transport of zombies. Are you opening up additional havens for zombie kids in the Midwest and West Coast?

Deliliah, we’ve been in contact with airline executives about this troubling rule change. Our preferred method of transport is through our underground zombie railroad (read the post at http://feedthezombiechildren.org/2012/10/15/the-zombie-underground-railroad/), but in some cases we’ve been forced to rely on air transport. Currently we can fly zombie kids in hardcover golf club cases as checked baggage for a reasonable fee. If this practice is stopped, it will negatively impact our ability to take zombie kids from the West Coast. Though we have no plans to open any additional facilities, we have recently added a Washington lobbyist to our staff and hope he can resolve this issue to our satisfaction.

Carousel 4

Carousel 4 (Photo credit: gloom)

Do you have a question? Send it to us at feedthezombiechildren@gmail. com for an answer. Remember, we feed the zombie kids so you won’t have to.

Zombie Emergency Rescue Organization

 

The Origin of the Great Infection aka mini zombapocalypse

No Artificial Growth Hormones

No Artificial Growth Hormones (Photo credit: Tillamook Cheese)

The number one question asked at the Zombie Emergency Relief Organization’s educational sessions is why the mainstream media didn’t alert the citizenry to the Great Infection (aka mini zombie apocalypse). As none of us are associated with the mainstream media, we can only guess at the reasons for the cover up. What we can do is present the events that we believe led to the Great Infection.

The Great Infection was not a random event or a deliberate act of terrorism. It was human error. The Centers for Disease Control  and Prevention (CDC) had been actively studying a progressive neurological disease that affects cattle called BSE (bovine spongiform encephalopathy) aka mad cow disease. Strong epidemiologic and laboratory evidence suggested that  BSE exposure led to the development of a progressive neurological disease in humans called Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease (vCJD). Unfortunately, the CDC did not have the solid evidence to ban the material thought to carry BSE such as pituitary hormones.

Cratchit Nutraceuticals, a company producing pituitary-derived human growth hormone (HGH) failed to follow proper procedure both in screening and acquiring potentially BSE infected material.  This led to products contaminated with CJD. Their proprietary formula is suspected of causing a CJD mutation that caused the zombification of small-statured children taking the medication. For reasons only known to medical epidemiologists, the majority of these short statured children were located in the Northeast section of the United States.

Cratchit Nutraceuticals also compounded human growth hormone tablets and injections under the name of Tiny No More Supplements and Old No More supplements. These were manufactured using the discarded byproducts of the injectable human growth hormone and encapsulated in pill form. The market for these pills was predominantly Southern California.

Celebrity endorsements and the increasing desire for  aging baby boomers to restore their vigor led to an explosion in the use of off-label and internet-pharmacy dispensing of these tainted HGH products. Easy access and lax standards allowed the products to be shipped without appropriate testing.

The first wave of attacks happened predominantly in middle schools, gyms, and on movie sets. The violence was alternately blamed on “normal childhood beahvior,”  “roid rage,”  and “temperamental actors.”  A massive containment effort in Los Angeles failed when infected actors and athletes, lured by the promise of a telethon, escaped into a nearby Megachurch.  Over 2,500 religious faithful were infected.

Fearful of sparking a panic, the government imposed news blackouts and cordoned off suspect locations including most Gold’s Gyms, acting studios, professional sports stadiums, and middle schools in the Northeast. It was felt that these actions would stop the infection from spreading. They were wrong.

Reaction to the infection varied. Actors and actresses initially continued to attend awards ceremonies and movie screenings, attacking and infecting more individuals. Celebrity athletes refused to curtail their schedules, leading to several horrific incidents at sports stadiums. Parents of infected children attempted to protect their children by keeping them at home and hidden. This failed strategy led to entire families succumbing to the infection. The religious faithful gathered in large healing circles, providing a perfect medium for the infection to spread.

By this time the rest of the world had learned of our problem and basically quarantined the United States. Harsh measures passed in Washington, D.C. led to a shoot on sight policy for all suspected of harboring the infection.  This led to a secondary wave of deaths as trigger happy citizens blasted anyone they felt was remotely threatening.

Our organization intervened for the children and passed a special Presidential proclamation guaranteeing sanctuary for infected children under the age of 17.

The mainstream media alternately attributed the above events to bath salts, a new form of synthetic marijuana, and religious hysteria. An amendment to the Patriot Act prevented anyone from posting or publicizing the number of people infected or the means used to stop the infection. This virtual news blackout led to large swaths of the country being unaware of what was happening, and unable to respond appropriately.

Finally, in the biggest mobilization of armed forces in our country’s history, a three day Labor Day Weekend sweep deputized every non-infected man, woman, and child over thirteen to systematically search for and contain people with signs of the infection. Rumors of a mass burial site in the Grand Canyon have not been, and will never be confirmed.

Once the infection was contained and the products implicated destroyed and taken off the market, small bands of Navy SEALS were charged with dealing with the very small number of infected still wandering freely on the periphery of our society.

The entire process, from the first roll out of the contaminated HGH products to the Labor Day Weekend Sweep, took approximately eight months. Several high profile projects proposed by Ken Burns, Steven Spielberg, and Stephen Colbert have been placed on hold indefinitely. The official government records of this action, code named “One to the Head” have been sealed for one hundred years. As you now know, our orphaned zombie children are truly innocents in this episode. Corporate greed, lax government regulation, and internet prescribing are the real villains in this sad chapter of the American novel.

I Feed Zombies so You Don’t Have To

If you believe popular stereotypes, a zombie wants nothing more than to dine on a menu of human flesh and brains. In fact, most people believe zombies will bypass dogs, cats, rabbits, and even cows to track down the limited amount of humans available and eat them.

Night of the Living Dead screenshot -- a young...

Night of the Living Dead screenshot — a young zombie (Kyra Schon) and her victim (Karl Hardman). (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This weekend the SyFy channel‘s feature, “Rise of the Zombies,” perpetuated this falsehood through the use of repetitive scenes of zombies eating people, mostly eating their intestines.  Most movies rely on intestine eating as their go to graphic, certainly its shown more than the focus of brain eating. I think filmmakers enjoy using the intestines because they are easy to make, can feed a mob of ravenous zombies and ripping open a stomach is easier than gaining access through someone’s head.  Logically, unless one believes zombies possess superhuman strength a la vampires, their ability to either detach a head or punch through a skull make it highly unlikely they can reach the brains they (supposedly) desire. In K. Bennett’s book, Pay Me In Flesh, zombie at law Mallory Caine uses an “ice pick with a hook” to get her daily dose of brains, but the zombies of film don’t have those kind of thinking skills and Ms. Caine is not your usual zombie.

Prior to the Great Infection our knowledge of their feeding habits wasn’t informed by the reality of a zombie diet. Our first batch of zombie child refugees presented a dilemma for staffers. None of us were interested in procuring the freshly dead (or making the live dead) in order to feed the children, but we all acknowledged that they needed nourishment. Because of our committment to the environment, we originally hoped they would flourish on an all plant diet. Since over half of the world depends on rice for 80% of it’s diet, we started our experiments there.

In a method reminiscent of Forrest Gump and his shrimp, we tried cooked rice, raw rice, rice balls, fried rice, rice pilaf, dirty rice, and rice and beans using white rice, brown rice, short grained rice, long grained rice, wild rice, basmati rice, and jasmine rice. No matter how we cooked it, it our zombie children turned up their noses. In desperation we even died it red and forced it into sausage casings. No luck. A similar variety of pastas and beans met the same fate. Our plant-based offerings rotted in the holding pens while the zombie children howled in hunger.

Next we tried a variety of fruits and vegetables. Our greatest success came with the use of grapes and watermelon. We hoped the zombies would think the grapes were like eyeballs and the watermelon, with its hard rind and soft middle, a brain substitute. Sadly, though the children loved playing with the fruit, they stubbornly refused to eat it. Many was the night that the communal cafeteria was covered in watermelon seeds and grape skins while the children gnashed their teeth in frustration.

Finally, in spite of  our reservations, we experimented with meat. Being sensitive to the issues of world hunger, the environmental impact of meat-eating, and not wishing to divert food targeted for humans, we searched for meat byproducts that were currently discarded because there was no salable market.

We quickly chose cow brains.

Mad cow disease, or bovine spongiform encephalopathy (BSE), is a disease which literally makes the brains and spinal cords of infected animals become sponge-like. Interestingly enough, symptoms of mad cow disease are similar to symptoms of the Infection. Cattle infected with BSE will become increasingly aggressive, react excessively to noise or touch, and eventually become ataxic . The National Ataxia Foundation explains:  The word ataxia is often used to describe a symptom of incoordination which can be associated with infections, injuries, other diseases, or degenerative changes in the central nervous system.  Though humans that eat meat infected with BSE cow brains can develop Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease or CJD, zombies already have an ataxic disorder and are immune to CJD. If our zombie kids ate cow brains, they’d be diverting potentially dangerous cow brains away from human consumption.

Armed with this knowledge, we purchased large amounts of cow brains and attempted to feed  them to the zombie children. At first, we were unsuccessful. The smell of rotting cow’s brains filled the cafeteria and covered the campus. Undeterred, we experimented with serving the brains at different temperatures until we found that most zombies loved brains heated to  98.6.  Our original warmers, lines of extra-large crockpots, didn’t provide a consistent temperature, cooked the brains,  and could only fit a limited amount of brains. Luckily, our staff members are inquisitive, persistent, and willing to try new things.

Natural-Beef (buynaturalbeef.us) ...item 3..St...

Natural-Beef (buynaturalbeef.us) …item 3..Stop Feeding Cows Chicken Manure (Posted: 04/26/2012 8:52 am) … (Photo credit: marsmet491)

Eventually we constructed a conveyor belt that dips the cow brains into a warm water blood bath and heats them to the appropriate temperature without damaging the integrity of their uncooked state. When we rolled this out, the zombie children moaned in delight. Watching them stuff their little faces with warm handfuls of cow brains truly was a watershed moment for our organization. After that, it was only a matter of finding slaughter houses willing to sell and ship their unwanted cow brains to our haven.

In our zeal to be responsible stewards of  the environment, we also set up a localvore program where we purchase deer, elk, and goat brains from local hunters and small farmers for the children.  This has provided economic gains for local businesses.

Your donation to Z.E.R.O. not only feeds the zombie kids, it also minimizes the chance of mad cow disease transmission, and supports small business. We don’t mind feeding the children so you don’t have to, but we need donations to do it.

We will be providing information on how to direct donations to our organization in future posts.