2013 Year in Review at Feed the Zombie Children

English: Fireworks over Edinburgh on New Year'...

English: Fireworks over Edinburgh on New Year’s Eve (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

2013 was a busy year for the Zombie Emergency Relief Organization. For those of you just joining us, as well as those who want to remember the year that was, here is 2013 in review.

January 2013: Our call for surgeons and seamstresses to help maintain and repair our zombie kids is  met with overwhelming success. Over twenty-five board certified surgeons and thirty-two seamstresses answer our call and set up teams for both routine skin repairs and emergencies. The program comes to the attention of New England‘s premier academic medical center and they generously offer to use our facility as an internship location for surgical residents. The influx of students leads to the publication of several academic papers including “Tensile Strength in Zombie Skin: Implications for Plastic Surgeons” and “Microbial Pathogenesis in Undead Tissue.”

February 2013: After the government of Canada declares their opposition to sheltering zombies, we offer haven to orphaned Canadian zombie kids. What starts as a trickle, turns into a flood as Canadian parents and relatives that had been sheltering zombies cross the border to New Hampshire. Our population doubles in February, but the kind-hearted people of Canada donate money, clothing, and chain link fencing to help us accommodate the new arrivals.

March 2013: A New Hampshire state representative reveals his son as a zombie on the House floor. In the ensuing chaos, New Hampshire legislators begin drafting bills to either protect, or remove, the rights of zombie kids. Numerous candle light vigils and inflammatory blog posts illuminate the issue while the Legislature debates amending the state motto from “Live Free or Die” to the original toast it was derived from, “Live free or die: Death is not the worst of all evils.”

April 2013: We share our preservation method, brining, with the world. We turn down invitations to appear on “The View,” “The Daily Show,” and “The Talk.” After much coaxing, we reluctantly agree to appear on “The Tonight Show,” but the appearance never happens after an unfortunate incident with a curious audience member and one of our charges.

May 2013: We start construction on a second preserve at Lake Keowee South Carolina. Construction is slow, and the weather warm and we inadvertently discover that fire ants die after biting our zombie kids. Scientists convene to see if our kids have the solution to one of the South’s most vexing problems. Our preserve is the only fire ant free zone in South Carolina.

Fire ant nest

Fire ant nest (Photo credit: Martin LaBar (going on hiatus))

June 2013: A hot spell and lack of air conditioning result in the discovery that zombies slow down in prolonged heat, entering a hibernation-like state. Biologists from the South Carolina Department of Natural Resources arrive to investigate. Their conclusion? Even zombies have the sense not to work too hard in hot weather.

July 2013: Our New Hampshire facility gets dragged into a PETA demonstration. Misguided activists attempt to jump the fences and free the zombie kids. Our fences hold until the New Hampshire National Guard arrives. No zombie kids, or activists, are hurt.

August 2013: The Sea Shepherd arrives at Lake Keowee with plans to harass our zombie preserve by water and pitch a new show idea to the Discovery Channel. Helpful South Carolinians quickly assemble a flotilla of boats, kayaks, and rubber rafts to protect our shore. We provide cases of beer for the thirsty sailors and a sound system capable of being heard all the way to the ocean. Captain Paul Watson accepts defeat, and a cold Natty Light, before leaving the state.

September 2013: With construction complete at the end of September, we offer our New Hampshire staff members the opportunity to transfer to our South Carolina location. Unfortunately all of them decide to transfer and we make the sad decision to close our New Hampshire preserve and relocate all of our kids to South Carolina. The resulting savings in property taxes enables us to start construction on a second site on Lake Hartwell.

October 2013: A joyful month capped off by the marriage of our public relations director, Sarah Carpenter. Using our beautiful preserve as a backdrop, guests drank, ate, and played into the wee hours. Local celebrity, Tiny Dancer Josh, made a rare public appearance.

The bride and groom got in the spirit at a zombie themed Jack and Jill party pre-wedding

The bride and groom got in the spirit at a zombie themed Jack and Jill party pre-wedding

November 2013: We gave thanks in November by allowing our older kids to serve at several Oconee County homeless shelter Thanksgiving dinners. Dressed in turkey outfits, complete with masks, guests were kept safe and no spare body parts ended up in the stuffing.

December 2013: A peaceful moonlight Christmas Eve service at our lakeside retreat attracted over 200 community members to pray with us. Truly, we are in God’s land here.

We look forward to returning to regular posting in 2014, including our Friday Book Review feature. Upcoming book reviews include BREW by Bill Braddock and DEAD TIDE by Stephen North. Looking for something to read in the meantime? Below are a few of the books we reviewed in 2013.

Happy New Year from your friends at the Zombie Emergency Relief Organization.

The Undead Situationlast bastion of the living

Mallory Caine, Zombie at Law. She ate the sheriff, but she did not eat the deputy.

Mallory Caine, Zombie at Law. She ate the sheriff, but she did not eat the deputy.

kill the deaddead livingdouble deadpay me in flesh

The Politics of Zombies

At the Zombie Emergency Relief Organization, we’re not big fans of Congressional hearings. Quite frankly, our country dodged a bullet when the anabolic steroids favored by most professional athletes weren’t acquired from Cratchit Pharmaceuticals, purveyors of the tainted testosterone that turned so many height-challenged youngsters into chronic decomposers. A grandstanding Congressional hearing and hindsight presents disasters, it doesn’t prevent them.

The congressional version of wasting time at the water cooler.

The congressional version of wasting time at the water cooler.

Whether or not Urban Outfitters makes prescription bottles into shot glasses or coffee mugs isn’t as important as rising student loan rates or our failing highway infrastructure, but sound bite wins over significance every time.

Does Congress really need to debate whether these condone drug use?

Does Congress really need to debate whether these condone drug use?

And, really, does Congress need to investigate the ludicrous accusation that sanctuaries, such as ours, are enslaving zombie children and depriving them of their rights? It is amazing the contradictory arguments the anti-zombie zealots will make in an attempt to reach their goal of a zombie-free world.

Last week’s inflammatory viral video (see previous post “At Night, I Dream of Escape”), that claims to interpret the thoughts of a zombie child, gained enough popularity that it was featured on Fox News. Since then, anti-zombie groups have focused on getting out two messages. First, zombie children still retain their humanity because they can reason and second, their state of chronic decomposition renders them terminally ill and eligible for euthanasia.  The Zombie Emergency Relief Organization flatly renounces both of these positions.

As far as zombie children retaining the ability to think, we agree that there is some basic level of cognition going on. Our Wednesday’s Child spotlight posts have provided examples of zombie kids recalling and reenacting their pre-zombie life, including:

Remy and Julia, a love that survived their zombification.

Cara the Caregiver, who continues to make a difference assisting our seamstresses and surgeons.

Brother Jacques, our Canadian import, who sets the bar for helpfulness and cleanliness.

Valentina, who walks the catwalk in our facility, rather than the runways of New York.

Each child shows evidence of remembering traces of the life they used to lead. Though our research, at this time, is confined to observing and recording their behavior, we are in the process of teaming up with a major academic medical center to do in-depth studies on the neurobiology of zombie children. Until we have concrete, reproducible data to either support or refute the notion that these children retain human cognition, we will continue to offer them refuge rather than death. To us they remain children, incapable of informed consent, and certainly not candidates for euthanasia.

We hope you understand and support our position.  Remember, we feed the zombie children so you won’t have to.

Your Friends at the Zombie Emergency Relief Organization.

Canada Says No to Zombies While England Prepares for the Undead

“Keep Calm and Avoid the Undead,” the English government warns in a new video explaining the aftermath of an event they call “The Rising.” This event has resulted in a zombie infestation in  parts of England. Much as the Zombie Emergency Relief Organization would like to help our neighbors across the pond, the logistics of moving zombie children via boat or airplane across the Atlantic Ocean is more than our finances and current infrastructure can support.

After numerous brainstorming sessions, we’ve committed to sending five of our most experienced zombie child wranglers to England to aid in the capture and rehabilitation of the English zombie children. We’ve assurances from the highest levels of the British government that they, too, our committed to preventing the slaughter of innocent zombie children and they have arranged a secure facility to house them.

England’s quick response to the Rising, complete with television and print ads supplemented by phone calls, is in stark contrast to America‘s response when faced with the Great Infection. Unfortunately, our country first ignored the problem, then attempted to cover it up by indiscriminately killing all of the infected.  By going public at the outset, England will be able to stop a secondary wave of infection and save countless lives. We salute their bold, public strategy.

There are those cynical few who believe the protection of English zombie children is only a temporary move, designed to purge the country of cow brains and, possibly, horse meat that was mislabeled and fed to humans. In truth, England is taking the lessons learned from their unfortunate brush with mad cow disease and trying a different tack. England’s initial response to mad cow disease was to deny the problem and downplay the potential cost to human life. This strategy led to continued exposure and deaths.  Since then, their government has more readily responded to scientific advice and exchanged secrecy for transparency at the first hint of a problem involving public health. All of these attributes are clearly displayed in the government’s new video.


Other countries will be well advised to watch England’s response and, in case of a similar event in their country, be prepared to follow England’s lead.

As always, we ask you to remember that we feed the zombie kids so you won’t have to. We look forward to doing it in two countries.

Zombie Emergency Relief Organization

Wednesday’s Child: Brother Jacques

Every week the Zombie Emergency Relief Organization spotlights one of our zombie children. We hope these columns  help people look past the stigma of zombification and learn about the very real children whose lives are changed when they are struck down by this disease.

Today we join our newest resident in saying bonjour.  Jacques, a fourteen year old boy found last week wandering near Saint Joseph’s Oratory in Montreal,  is a sturdy lad. The plastic surgeon who did the initial intake theorized Jacques had worked on a farm or some other type of manual labor based on his calloused hands and well-developed upper body.  We estimate he entered a state of chronic decomposition less than a week before he was found.

Like all new children at our facility, Jacques was initially physically isolated from the other children and required monitoring  by two staff members.  His recent zombification meant increased muscle flexibility and skin integrity and we were concerned he might become aggressive. Instead his desire for brains was weak. When he was discovered, he was ineffectually swatting at pilgrims, but there were no attacks on humans attributed to him. After a mandatory forty-eight hour isolation period, we moved him to a two bedroom room and provided outside time two hours daily. He interacted appropriately and after forty-eight hours we moved him to our regular dormitory housing.

Since then he spends his free time playing a version of duck-duck-goose where he limps around a circle of chairs and slaps the backs of the empty chairs while vocalizing.  He likes to explore and after spying a bottle of maple syrup in the kitchen, he carried it around until dinner and then covered his cows brains in the sweet nectar. His enthusiastic appreciation involving clapping with delight and offering his fellow zombies maple syrup for their cow brains.  He follows the other children around, offering to help with their chores, opening doors and helping them clean up after meals and snacks. He is unfailingly polite and courteous to all who enter our facility.

The lovely Canadian gifts that we received, including this cute knit cap, are a source of joy to Jacques. We’ve been unable to get the cap off him since he first put it on.


Overall we’ve been impressed and pleased with our Canadian import. We think he feels the same about us.

Remember, we feed the zombie children so you won’t have to,

Zombie Emergency Relief Organization

Wednesday’s Child: A Canadian Zombie Child in New England

Since our humanitarian gesture to Canada last week, the Zombie Emergency Relief Organization’s phone and fax lines have been ringing off the hook. Thousands of Americans have called to voice their agreement with our decision to offer a home for Canada’s unwanted zombie children.  A smaller, yet very vocal group of Canadian’s have expressed their appreciation for this opportunity. Along with this deluge of good wishes, we’ve also received some lovely gifts and ideas from Canadian citizens to help transition the first Canadian zombie child into our facility.

WENDY'S RESTAURANTS OF CANADA - Oh Poutine! Grab your forks

In the spirit of learning more about Canada, our staff members have prepared classic Canadian dishes, such as poutine, a combination of french fries, gravy and cheese curds, and tourtiere, a delectable meat pie composed of pork, veal, chuck, potatoes and seasonings. Yummy.

They’ve dusted off textbooks and are practicing their French. They are listening to Canadian radio stations and watching streaming video of Canadian TV shows.

kids in the hall

Most of all, they’re excitedly awaiting the arrival of our first Canadian zombie child! We received word yesterday that a child had been found wandering at the Oratory of Saint Joseph in Montreal.  At first, the child was believed to be hypothermic from spending the chilly overnight hours without warm clothing. It wasn’t until he was transported to a local hospital that the doctors realized he was pulseless and in a state of decomposition. Mindful of the recent furor, the hospital contacted the Public Health Agency to report their findings. The Minister of Public Health then contacted our agency to check that our offer of sanctuary was sincere and work out the logistics.

As of this evening, we have made transportation arrangements and anticipate a border crossing in the wee hours of the morning. Barring bad weather or diplomatic conflict, the first Canadian zombie child should be here by 9 a.m. tomorrow.  We will be spotlighting our Canadian import next week in our Wednesday’s Child post.

In the meantime, remember we feed the zombie children so you won’t have to, and now we do it in two languages.


Zombie Emergency  Relief Organization


Canada, We Stand On Guard for You (And Your Orphaned Zombie Children)

national Flag of Canada

national Flag of Canada (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

While reading the news last week we realized that, in spite of our commitment to helping orphaned zombie children, we’d not taken into account our proximity to Canada and formally offered haven for Canadian zombie children.  This misstep on our part almost escalated into an international incident when a Canadian Member of Parliament asked whether Canada was working with the United States to develop an international zombie strategy. Disappointingly, the Canadian Minister of Foreign Affairs answered, “Canada will never become a safe haven for zombies, ever!”

Well, we’d like to officially offer our child-sized zombie haven services to Canada.


Sanctuary (Photo credit: joeldinda)

Since our sanctuary is in New England and an easy two-hour jaunt to the Canadian border, it only seems neighborly to take in Canada’s orphaned zombies if they will not.  As the Statue of Liberty proclaims:

Inscription Statue of Liberty

By offering our services to Canada, free of charge, we honor not only our values as a country, but our values as an organization. Every child deserves a safe, caring, compassionate home where they are loved and valued, zombie or not. No zombie child should be left to fend for themselves or to be hunted like an animal.  We will take Canada’s unwanted zombie kids in gratitude for all Canada has given to us.

Their view of Niagara Falls.

Canadian Niagara Falls

Their well kept and abundant farmlands. Their clean and easy to navigate subway system.

Toronto Transit Commission 'Montrealer' subway car

Toronto Transit Commission ‘Montrealer’ subway car (Photo credit: bradley.obrien)

Their friendly, hard-working people.  Donald Sutherland, Alanis Morrisette, William Shatner, Celine Dion, Michael Buble, Avril Lavigne, and Justin Bieber are just a few of the talented Canadians that have brightened and enlightened the lives of United States citizens.

Justin Bieber at 2010 MTV Video Music Awards.

Justin Bieber at 2010 MTV Video Music Awards. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Their Canadian Bacon, both the movie starring John Candy and Alan Alda and the breakfast meat recommended by the South Beach Diet, serves as either an evening of laughter or a well-balanced breakfast.

canadian bacon

These are only a few of the things we love about Canada and we’re happy to open our safe haven for zombie children to our Northern neighbors in partial repayment of all they do for the United States. We are in the process of making an official notification to the Canadian Parliament and Prime Minister to reassure them that we have Canada’s back in this matter. To steal a line from the Canadian national anthem, O Canada, the Zombie Emergency Relief Organization stands on guard for thee.  It’s only fair.

The Zombie Emergency Relief Organization – We feed the zombies so you don’t have to.