Wednesday’s Child: A Canadian Zombie Child in New England

Since our humanitarian gesture to Canada last week, the Zombie Emergency Relief Organization’s phone and fax lines have been ringing off the hook. Thousands of Americans have called to voice their agreement with our decision to offer a home for Canada’s unwanted zombie children.  A smaller, yet very vocal group of Canadian’s have expressed their appreciation for this opportunity. Along with this deluge of good wishes, we’ve also received some lovely gifts and ideas from Canadian citizens to help transition the first Canadian zombie child into our facility.

WENDY'S RESTAURANTS OF CANADA - Oh Poutine! Grab your forks

In the spirit of learning more about Canada, our staff members have prepared classic Canadian dishes, such as poutine, a combination of french fries, gravy and cheese curds, and tourtiere, a delectable meat pie composed of pork, veal, chuck, potatoes and seasonings. Yummy.

They’ve dusted off textbooks and are practicing their French. They are listening to Canadian radio stations and watching streaming video of Canadian TV shows.

kids in the hall

Most of all, they’re excitedly awaiting the arrival of our first Canadian zombie child! We received word yesterday that a child had been found wandering at the Oratory of Saint Joseph in Montreal.  At first, the child was believed to be hypothermic from spending the chilly overnight hours without warm clothing. It wasn’t until he was transported to a local hospital that the doctors realized he was pulseless and in a state of decomposition. Mindful of the recent furor, the hospital contacted the Public Health Agency to report their findings. The Minister of Public Health then contacted our agency to check that our offer of sanctuary was sincere and work out the logistics.

As of this evening, we have made transportation arrangements and anticipate a border crossing in the wee hours of the morning. Barring bad weather or diplomatic conflict, the first Canadian zombie child should be here by 9 a.m. tomorrow.  We will be spotlighting our Canadian import next week in our Wednesday’s Child post.

In the meantime, remember we feed the zombie children so you won’t have to, and now we do it in two languages.


Zombie Emergency  Relief Organization


Canada, We Stand On Guard for You (And Your Orphaned Zombie Children)

national Flag of Canada

national Flag of Canada (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

While reading the news last week we realized that, in spite of our commitment to helping orphaned zombie children, we’d not taken into account our proximity to Canada and formally offered haven for Canadian zombie children.  This misstep on our part almost escalated into an international incident when a Canadian Member of Parliament asked whether Canada was working with the United States to develop an international zombie strategy. Disappointingly, the Canadian Minister of Foreign Affairs answered, “Canada will never become a safe haven for zombies, ever!”

Well, we’d like to officially offer our child-sized zombie haven services to Canada.


Sanctuary (Photo credit: joeldinda)

Since our sanctuary is in New England and an easy two-hour jaunt to the Canadian border, it only seems neighborly to take in Canada’s orphaned zombies if they will not.  As the Statue of Liberty proclaims:

Inscription Statue of Liberty

By offering our services to Canada, free of charge, we honor not only our values as a country, but our values as an organization. Every child deserves a safe, caring, compassionate home where they are loved and valued, zombie or not. No zombie child should be left to fend for themselves or to be hunted like an animal.  We will take Canada’s unwanted zombie kids in gratitude for all Canada has given to us.

Their view of Niagara Falls.

Canadian Niagara Falls

Their well kept and abundant farmlands. Their clean and easy to navigate subway system.

Toronto Transit Commission 'Montrealer' subway car

Toronto Transit Commission ‘Montrealer’ subway car (Photo credit: bradley.obrien)

Their friendly, hard-working people.  Donald Sutherland, Alanis Morrisette, William Shatner, Celine Dion, Michael Buble, Avril Lavigne, and Justin Bieber are just a few of the talented Canadians that have brightened and enlightened the lives of United States citizens.

Justin Bieber at 2010 MTV Video Music Awards.

Justin Bieber at 2010 MTV Video Music Awards. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Their Canadian Bacon, both the movie starring John Candy and Alan Alda and the breakfast meat recommended by the South Beach Diet, serves as either an evening of laughter or a well-balanced breakfast.

canadian bacon

These are only a few of the things we love about Canada and we’re happy to open our safe haven for zombie children to our Northern neighbors in partial repayment of all they do for the United States. We are in the process of making an official notification to the Canadian Parliament and Prime Minister to reassure them that we have Canada’s back in this matter. To steal a line from the Canadian national anthem, O Canada, the Zombie Emergency Relief Organization stands on guard for thee.  It’s only fair.

The Zombie Emergency Relief Organization – We feed the zombies so you don’t have to.