At Night, I Dream of Escape

This morning, I sip my coffee on the shores of Lake Keowee with a heavy heart. Powered by an internet video that purports to be the thoughts of a zombie child, a movement to euthanize zombie children has spread across our country like a  fast-moving plague. The Zombie Emergency Relief Organization’s site has been deluged with plaintive pleas to exterminate the children we have pledged to protect.

Last night, our New Hampshire headquarters was infiltrated by a member of an extremist group who claim zombie children deserve to be “released from their diseased bodies.” This group, Citizens for the Responsibility and Protection of Zombies, has taken to the airwaves and internet to demand the execution of every zombie as a humanitarian gesture. Even though they didn’t access the grounds of our zombie sanctuary, they did compromise our computer system and, to the best of our knowledge so far, managed to steal our donor list and blue prints for both of our facilities. As I write this, we have increased our security level to DEFCON 2, effectively sealing off both of our New Hampshire and Lake Keowee zombie preserves to anyone except security-clearance Alpha staff.  No family members, outside vendors, donors, or visiting professionals will be admitted to our facility until further notice. We are saddened to resort to these measures, but we must safeguard our zombie children.

After much soul-searching, I have decided not to post the video that has spawned this controversy on our website. It is an inflammatory mix of haunting music, disturbing images, and a voice-over that, quite frankly, breaks my heart. Instead I will provide a text-only version for our readers. As you read this, remember that this communication was allegedly transmitted to an interpreter through a combination of grunts and eye blinking. The 16 year old zombie girl featured in the video did not speak these words aloud or write these words down. This is an interpretation.

Transcript of video titled: At Night, We Dream of Escape

“Two years ago, I was taken from the world of the living and plunged into the world of the shambling. I became a zombie. I saw the fear in my parent’s eyes when they realized what I had become and I tried to tell them that I still lived within this decomposing body, but the words didn’t come. They put bars on the windows of my bedroom and pushed rotten meat in through a slot in the door. Otherwise, my room remained the same. They left the pink canopy bed and the rows of trophies that lined my bookcases. My closet hung full of clothes: the pale yellow, off-shoulder dress I wore to my eighth grade graduation dance, the burgundy gown from my aunt’s wedding, the uniform I wore to Catholic school. My drawers bulged with clothes: competition swimsuits, t-shirts from meets, my first bra. Nothing changed in my room, except me.

Time had no meaning for me in this room. No favorite T.V. shows to watch. No classes to attend. No family nights out for dinner, mini golf, and ice cream. The sun rose and set. The seasons changed from bright green foliage filled with the sounds of birds to a cold, white wasteland, the only sound the howling of the wind. I heard sounds outside my room, but the singing of happy birthday, Christmas carols, and the Star Spangled Banner didn’t include me. I was held captive in the room and ignored, except when the food slot opened and my mother or father hurriedly push3e the meat through as they looked the other way.

My neighbors came for me. Loud, angry voices that echoed outside our house. Bring out the monster, they called. But, my parents would not give me up. Shortly after that, my parents put me in a van and drove me deep into the woods and turned me loose.

When I was discovered, the locals took pity on me and built a dirt-floored hut to contain me. They tried in various ways to communicate with me, and finally they did. They asked if I had something I’d like to say to my parents and I do.

At night, I dream of escape. Escape from this life. Why didn’t you kill me, mom and dad, instead of leaving me in this shell of a body that rots a little bit every day? When I was born, you promised to care for me and put my needs first. Now that I’m a flesh-eating monster, because, yes, though I eat raw meat I crave human flesh and would gladly rip you to pieces and eat you if given the chance, why keep me alive in this torment? Every day I watch the world I used to live in slip further and further away. The grace and speed that won six state swim championships has been replaced by a staggering, lurching walk. Huge chunks of my hair have fallen out, strips of flesh are missing from my face, and my nose, the family nose dad always said, is only a gaping hole. I peer into my water bowl and see the destruction and if I could, I would cry.

I know you think keeping me alive is the right thing to do, but it is not. I speak for all of my zombie brothers and sisters when I tell you this, at night, we dream of escape. We dream of death. Help us.” End of Transcript.

We will provide additional information as it becomes available, but in the meantime ask you to continue to support the zombie children and the Zombie Emergency Relief Organization as we set out to prove that this communication is nothing but a scam.


Renee Maynes, Chief Medical Officer, Zombie Emergency Relief Organization

Wednesday’s Child: Resilient Roni

As our staff is stricken with “could be,” “maybe,” I’m not sure,” I don’t wanna say” it’s a cold or the flu, we take time to reflect on the experience of running a facility where none of the children can catch or spread respiratory infections. According to the CDC, “nearly 22 million school days are lost annually due to the common cold.” These school days aren’t just felt by the children, often times it’s the parents and teachers that feel the impact of these walking-talking-contagious kids. Days like today help us recognize that we’re fortunate to work with children who can only spread one type of virus.
Even so, zombies are vulnerable to certain ailments, most noticeably those that arise from their state of chronic decomposition. Roni, a bubbly fifteen year old with hair like Raggedy Annie, is the zombie child most afflicted with this.
Redhaired annies aka Raggedy Ann

Redhaired annies aka Raggedy Ann (Photo credit: almost witty)

Prior to her arrival at our facility, she spent at least a month wandering the back roads and woods of Maine. We can’t be certain, but we believe she was dropped off in the woods when her parents could no longer take care of her. We base this on the fact that no other zombies were found with her and normally as new zombies are infected they link up with the nearest group. Additionally, there were no zombie outbreaks reported in the county she was found in, making it likely she was transported from another area.
By the time she was found and transferred here, she had been wandering the woods for several months. Her hair was matted and thick with leaves and dirt. Her skin was covered with tears and cuts from the underbrush. Porcupine quills dotted her legs and several of her toes were missing. After a thorough washing and disinfection, our team of plastic surgeons went to work, suturing her lacerations, attaching toes, and tightening loosened and sagging skin. When they were done, she wasn’t the prettiest zombie in the room, but she had the biggest smile.
Our greatest concern, once the surgeons were done with her, was that she wouldn’t integrate with the other children as she had spent her entire zombie life alone. Zombies that are used to a pack, for lack of a better word, adjust easily to our facility and tend to follow along in activities and mimic the behavior of the others. Without any socialization, we feared Roni would fear the other children. Surprisingly, the first day we held her in isolation, she spent the day trying to walk through the fencing and join the other children. After a number of attempts, she gave up and stood at the fence, one hand clutching the cold metal, and moaned in harmony with the other kids. The second day, we allowed her to interact with two children while five of our staff members stood by, ready to intervene if necessary. Our worries were groundless. She had no hesitation in joining the group and spent the rest of the day happily following along. By the third day, we’d moved her into our least restrictive environment where she has remained to this day.
In spite of her massive reconstructive surgery and the almost weekly repairs that must be made to her skin, Roni remains pleasant and unafraid of our surgeons, seamstresses, and other staff members. Like the Energizer bunny, she continues to bounce back.
Zombies Invade San Francisco!

Zombies Invade San Francisco! (Photo credit: Scott Beale)

And, to give you an idea of what our work is like, in a normal residential children’s facility, one would spend this time of year looking for lost mittens and misplaced boots. We spend our time looking for missing fingers and misplaced toes. Keeping Roni intact is a big job, but we are up to the challenge.

Remember, we feed the zombies so you don’t have to.

Zombie Emergency Relief Organization

Wednesday’s Child: Madison

Photograph of a toddler holding a mop with a b...

Photograph of a toddler holding a mop with a bucket (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Every Wednesday we shine the spotlight on one of our zombie kids in an effort to cut through the negative stereotypes that abound regarding zombification. Madison, a toddler, has been a resident here since our earliest days. Much of her story remains unknown to us as we woke up one morning to find her, strapped in a shopping cart seat, on our doorstep. She was loved. We know that because her clothes were clean, her hair adorned with a big pink bow, and a laminated name tag hung from her shirt proclaiming, “Hi, I’m Madison.”

Whether it was her young age or our suspicion that she was never put out to fend for herself as a zombie, Madison was non-aggressive and eager to please from the first day. She would sit quietly in her high chair during feedings, eyes wide open and interested in the meal, but never lunging at the food or noisily clamoring for it. Her table manners were an inspiration as, early in our existence, we weren’t entirely sure of the capabilities of these children to exhibit self-control or good table manners.  She became the standard by which we measured the progress of our other children. Without her and her outgoing, playful attitude we may have never realized the freedom we could provide these children in a secure environment.
Over the Christmas holidays,  Madison became fixated on our janitorial staff’s’ cleaning carts. She started to follow the housekeepers and mimic their behavior. Armed with an imaginary dust rag or mini mop, she’d cheerfully play at wiping down counters, cleaning floors, and washing windows. After a few days, the housekeepers cut down a mop for her and gave her a small carry-all filled with sponges and rags.  Each morning they would wheel in their cleaning carts and present Madison with her supplies. Her squeals of glee filled the common area and, as the days went on, they provided her with cans of furniture polish and bottles of window cleaner. Amazingly enough, she used each of these gifts appropriately, never using the furniture polish on the windows or the window cleaner on the wood. For Christmas, the housekeeping staff chipped in and purchased Madison a cleaning outfit like theirs. Her smile when she opened that present warmed the room. While the other children opened their presents and filled up on our seasonal brain treats, Madison slipped into her new uniform and cleaned up after them. At the end of the day, despite the Holiday festivities, our common area was spotless. Madison’s decision to slip two cleaning pads over her shoes earned her a new nickname, our little Roomba.


Roomba (Photo credit: pboyd04)

The recent loss of a housekeeper due to retirement left us wondering how we would fill the gap as many people are too fearful to work with our zombie child population.  Surprisingly the housekeeping staff asked that we not replace their missing member, they were content to keep Madison on as part of the team.  The money we’ve saved from this small change freed up the funds to add ten additional beds to our facility.  Madison deserves the credit for allowing us to expand and give more zombie children a normal childhood.

Remember, we feed the zombie children so you don’t have to.

Zombie Emergency Relief Organization

Seamstresses and Surgeons Wanted, Leprosy Experience Helpful

New Year's Eve

New Year’s Eve (Photo credit: besighyawn)

Now that the holidays have wound down and we’re back to our normal routine, the time seems right to share our wishes for the new year. We’ve been blessed in that everyone involved with our organization has followed our rigid guidelines designed to keep our children, staff and visitors safe. We’ve also been lucky that people have respected our request to not reveal the location of our facility. Though public sentiment is slowly changing, there are still those who would indiscriminately slaughter our children if they could find us. Our continued efforts to educate the public have resulted in many positive changes, as well as donations, but these remain perilous times for those who harbor and love zombies.

We owe a debt of gratitude to the many volunteers who help with the building maintenance, cow brain gathering, and million other details required to keep this organization running. Unfortunately, there is one need that continues to go unmet – health maintenance.

Though we don’t worry about the children being tested or treated for the usual childhood ailments of chicken pox, stomach aches, and attention deficit disorder, we do worry about their physical integrity. Each of these children suffer from chronic decomposition. Since their bodies can’t repair themselves, a minor injury for a live child can bec0me a life changing injury for a zombie child. A live child that trips and skins their knee relies on a parent, a bandaid, and perhaps some antibiotic ointment with a kiss to make it better. A zombie child that trips and skins their knee can’t regenerate the skin, leaving a gaping wound that constantly oozes and leads to more skin breakdown. Eventually it can lead to the loss of a limb. Imagine a zombie child, happy and mobile one day, pushing themselves around one-legged the next.  That is why we are putting out an urgent call for seamstresses and surgeons to volunteer at our facility.


Seamstress (Photo credit: t3mujin)

English: Image of a surgeon operating on a pat...

English: Image of a surgeon operating on a patient. فارسی: تصویر یک جراح که بیمار را جراحی می‌کند. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The surgeon positions would be responsible for a monthly inspection of all of the children to identify bodily areas in need of reinforcement or replacement as well as on call hours to address emergencies. Most of the work will be of a cosmetic nature, so plastic surgeons are encouraged to apply. Seamstresses who are skilled in no-show stitching techniques and working with silk and chiffon are also wanted as we anticipate a steady stream of routine repairs that may be safely carried out by trained seamstresses. We are not open to medical students or others who wish to practice their skills as we feel our kids have already been subjected to enough without being treated as practice objects.

Applications may be submitted via resume to and we will acknowledge receipt of your resume via return email. Please include the number of hours per month you are willing to volunteer as well as any previous interactions with zombie children or other under-served group. Leprosy experience helpful, but not required. We can provide some travel expenses, but those on the West Coast should only apply if willing to take care of their own.  All volunteers must undergo a criminal background check and drug testing. Hiring is contingent upon signing a strict non-disclosure agreement with monetary damages if violated.

Help wanted sign

Help wanted sign (Photo credit: andjohan)

Please feel free to repost and email us at for any additional questions. Remember, we feed the zombie children so you won’t have to.

Zombie Emergency Relief Organization

Top Five Christmas Gifts for the Zombie Child

Here at the Zombie Emergency Relief Organization we are feverishly preparing for the Christmas holiday. Our tree is up,




christmas tree at rockefeller center

christmas tree at rockefeller center (Photo credit: riNux) Our tree looks remarkably like this one!


The compound is decorated with care,




Festival of Lights (8)

Festival of Lights (8) (Photo credit: bulldog008) The children happily shuffle around the lights this time of year.





The meal preparations are underway,




cow brain

cow brain (Photo credit: Adi Setiawan) in a delicate pumpkin sauce for the holidays.



And we’re receiving a steady delivery of presents from friends and family members. If you have a zombie child to shop for this year, here’s our Top Five list of presents for zombie kids.


1. Remote control fire truck or police car. Zombie kids respond to light and sound, trucks and cars with sirens and flashing lights will keep them occupied for hours while our staff use the remote control to keep the vehicles moving.


FDMB Fire Station/ Police Sub-Station Diorama

FDMB Fire Station/ Police Sub-Station Diorama (Photo credit: Phil’s 1stPix)

2. Socker Boppers. Yes, we know that encouraging zombie kids in activities such as hand to hand combat or shooting is a dangerous activity. These socker boppers, though, are perfect for activities like catch the bunny, in which we set a live bunny loose and the kids chase it. The socker boppers guarantee that even if they get close to the rabbit, they can’t pick it up. The children burn off energy and compete with one another to be the first to touch the bunny.

socker boppers


3. Animal Popper. The look of joy and surprise on a zombie child’s face when he or she squeezes the toy and a ball pops high into the air is priceless. Our children can spend several hours launching the balls and retrieving them.

Always a big hit!

Always a big hit!

4. Rocking horses. Plush rocking horses provide an excellent diversion for zombie children who wish to leave the confines of the compound. They are lulled by the action of the rocking horse and plush horses are easily fixed if the child becomes overexuberant or starts to bite.

rocking horse

5. Hide and Seek Tunnel. Every parent has a memory of playing peek a boo with their child and the broad grins and delicate giggles that accompanied the game. Our zombie kids get the same joy out of hide and seek tunnels, burrowing inside to hide, and then popping out to surprise staff members and other kids.

hide and seek tunnelArmed with our suggestions, you can delight any zombie child on your list this season.

We hope to see you at our Christmas Eve party and remember, we feed the zombie children so you don’t have to. Best wishes from everyone at the Zombie Emergency Relief Organization.




Wednesday’s Child: Lonely No More

Welcome to Wednesday’s Child where we feature the story of one zombie kid and ask our visitors to look beyond the effects of zombification and see the child within.
zombie child

zombie child (Photo credit: skamama)

Nine year old Jaime was brought to the ranch this spring after state troopers found her in the woods of North Dakota. This adorable little girl was the only child in a herd of twenty-nine zombies targeting rural cattle farms.  When the state troopers first corralled the cow-killing zombies, their mission was extermination. After the first volley of bullets, a small form walked out of the milling mob and approached the fence. The hardened state troopers couldn’t find it within themselves to kill a small child in cold blood, even if she was a zombie, so they called us.
Jamie is unusual in that we don’t know her real name or where she came from.  When she was captured her clothes bore no markings and she didn’t register on any databases of missing children.  It’s theorized that Jamie was injured in the first wave of zombie attacks, meaning her family was overrun and either zombified or killed.  This makes the job of identifying her much harder.  Many of our charges are victims of the second wave of attacks, isolated incidents that only harmed the child and left the rest of the family intact. These children have names and a history, Jamie has none. No one knows how long Jamie ran with the roving group of zombies she was captured with or how far away from home she wandered.  We continue to search for her past and hope someday to connect her with any surviving family members.
Prior to her arrival at the haven, Jamie’s only zombie interaction was with adults. As the only child in a large zombie pack, she would have had to rely on the scraps left by adults. Her short legs and lack of power meant she would always be on the edges of group feedings, perhaps able to snatch out a morsel, but never able to obtain enough food to grow strong.  At her first weight-in we were shocked to see her weight was 32 pounds.  Our first priority was ensuring she ate well and gained weight.
Her early struggles to fit into the zombie haven centered around her recent history of constant hunger and deprivation. She stole food from the others, physically threatened those that approached what she considered “her” food, and tended to isolate herself rather than play with the other children. After several weeks of progressive feeding and ensuring she had ready access to food, she started to relax and be less aggressive with the other z kids.
It took several more months for Jamie to make the transition from a closely watched, restrained environment to a more independent lifestyle. Jaime is now on the Yellow Team and enjoys chasing and being chased by her peers during free time outside. With a safe community of children like her, Jaime has become a docile, content child again.
The miracle of working at the Zombie Emergency Relief Organization is watching the process as primitive, violent children turn into trusting and trusted members of our community.
If you recognize Jamie, please email us at feed We can’t reverse her zombification, but we’d like to give her back her name.