Five Ways to Raise Your Zombie Child at Home Without Alarming the Neighbors

Set free by parents who couldn't control him or an escapee from a poorly reinforced safe room? Either way, he is now at the mercy of whoever finds him.

Set free by parents who couldn’t control him or an escapee from a poorly reinforced safe room? Either way, he’s now at the mercy of whoever finds him.

So you want to keep your zombie child at home, but you don’t want the neighbors defacing your house with graffiti or attempting to burn it down with your zombie child inside? Follow these five simple steps to keep your child at home without alarming the neighbors.

1. Order your reinforcing supplies from multiple, out of area, online vendors.

If the Home Depot truck pulls up and starts offloading chicken wire, steel window bars, and acoustic tiles for soundproofing, some nosy Gladys Kravitz type will be on the phone to the neighborhood watch before the supplies cross your threshold. Order your supplies online and all your neighbors will know is that you’re getting a lot of packages.  If they do question the deliveries, make vague comments about Rottweiler puppies, precious metals, or strange sexual practices and let your neighbor fill in the blanks.

An alarm on the outside of the bedroom door guarantees you'll be warned if the inner security is breached.

An alarm on the outside of the bedroom door guarantees you’ll be warned if the inner security is breached.

2. Buy your brains from vendors that disguise the package.

If you purchase brains at the butcher, expect a visit from curious neighbors or the police. No one in their right mind eats them, so buying them marks you as either insane or as someone harboring a zombie. Cow-Brains-R-Us packs their brains in triple layer, leak-proof containers and marks their insulated boxes as prescription drugs. You can choose to pass off the boxes as deliveries of insulin, birth control rings, or glaucoma eye drops – all items needing refrigeration. And, since the brains are fresh frozen and vacuum sealed, they smell good, too.

zombie apocalypse, cow brains, ZERO

The days of walking down the street with a bucket of cow brains are long gone if you don’t want your home overrun by an angry mob.

3. Clean up inside.

Zombie kids are messy. Clumps of blood, hair, stray fingers and toes can make a mess of their clothing and smear all over your protective gear. Taking your helmet with face mask outside to hose it off will attract the neighborhood dogs and cats and get tongues wagging. Install a large industrial sink and indoor clothes line in a walled off part of your cellar to keep things clean, hygienic, and private.

Preventing accidental bites starts with the right protective gear. Don't forget to protect the neck.

Preventing accidental bites starts with the right protective gear. Don’t forget to protect the neck.

4. Plan trips out of the house under cover of night or costume.

Nothing alarms a neighbor more than looking out the window and seeing a muzzled zombie kid on the end of a hook. If you can’t wait until a moonless night to move your child, some proven techniques include placing the zombie kid’s head through the rungs of a ladder and resting it on their shoulders while you do the same. Onlookers will see two people carrying a ladder. You can also set up a catch stick on the middle of a kayak or canoe and have the zombie kid’s head inside the middle of the boat while you and another adult carry the front and back. Add authenticity by bragging about your midnight fish haul!

Mount one of these on the bottom of a ladder or kayak for a quick disguise when you need to get your kid out of the house.

Mount one of these on the bottom of a ladder or kayak for a quick disguise when you need to get your kid out of the house.

5. Decorate your house with anti zombie propaganda.

Yes, it’s hard when your loved one is a zombie to jump on the hate bandwagon, but it’s easy enough to keep the propaganda out of your house and away from your child. Try small, discreet yard signs near your shrubs, license plate holders, and small window decals to proclaim your hatred of all things zombie. Occasionally hinting that a neighbor is acting suspiciously also keeps the focus off you. If anyone should question you, racking a large shotgun while proclaiming you’d kill your mother if she turned into a zombie is usually enough to deter even the most annoying neighbors.

Even if it's a replica, the crisp realistic sound of a shotgun being loaded gets attention.

Even if it’s a replica, the crisp realistic sound of a shotgun being loaded gets attention.

Following these steps will make it less likely your secret is discovered, but the only guaranteed method to keep your child safe is to enroll them in a certified zombie preserve, such as the one we operate at Lake Keowee. Our preserve has all the safety and security features of a Supermax prison combined with the warmth and coziness of home. If nosy neighbors threaten your child, give the Zombie Emergency Relief Organization a call.

Remember, we feed the zombie children so you won’t have to.

Wednesday’s Child: Luigi, Toddler Terror

The Zombie Emergency Relief Organization dedicates this space to one special child each Wednesday to help people look past the zombie form and see the child within. None of our zombie kids asked to be zombified. In most cases they were bit by those they loved the most, fathers, mothers, brothers, and sisters, who succumbed to the disease and then spread it. Others were the victims of contamination at Cratchit Nutraceuticals, a company that made pituitary-derived human growth hormone. Seeking only to be as tall as their classmates, their hopes were dashed when they became flesh-eating monsters.

Zombie Walk in Edmonton

Zombie Walk in Edmonton (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The second wave of zombies, those bitten by siblings, include remarkably few infants and toddlers. Strange, in that infants and toddlers are less able to escape when attacked and they have over-sized heads, presumably making them a more attractive zombie target. For some reason, though, the number of surviving zombie toddlers is miniscule. In fact, Luigi is the only toddler at our facility.

Pittsburgh Zombie Walk 2011 - 95

Pittsburgh Zombie Walk 2011 – 95 (Photo credit: cory.cousins)

Luigi, our best guess puts him at eighteen months, was left at a Safe Haven drop off site at a local firehouse. Imagine the surprise of the firefighters, when they returned from fighting a 5 alarm fire and found a 3 foot tall, 30 pound infant flailing about in a large, duct-taped box. Actually, the firefighters were first surprised to find a large, reinforced box blocking their doorway. They were startled when it began to rock back and forth and they realized something was inside. They were shocked when they opened it and saw the child, a small bucket of frogs next to him. The squirming legs of a frog dangled from his cupid bow lips.

Luckily, one of the firemen had seen a news report on our organization and he convinced his coworkers to turn the child over to us, instead of using a fire ax on him. We’ve had several confirmed reports of Safe Haven sites executing zombie children dropped on their doorstep.

We wish we could say we’ve successfully acclimated Luigi to our facility, but we feel compelled to share the truth about our charges. Raising a zombie toddler is hard work. Luigi has not developed past the mental capacity of an 18 month old and that means he’s permanently stuck in the terrible twos. He can be stubborn.  Sometimes it takes three of our staff members to safely remove him from the common area when it is time for bed and he wants to stay up late. There is no sharing in his world and he covets every shiny thing he sees. When denied, he melts down into temper tantrums. Though hitting and biting is expected at his age, the transmission potential of zombie virus is high. Our staff members must wear full padding and face masks whenever they are within hand or mouth reach of Luigi.


English: (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Normal toddler coping behaviors, such as thumb-sucking or hair twirling, aren’t possible due to Luigi’s chronic decomposition. This leads to increased tantrums and physical acting out. Working with Luigi is a high stress job, as nerve-racking as working for a bomb disposal unit. It’s also as dangerous.

Imagine the destructive nature of a toddler with a deadly bite and you can understand the reasons we treat Luigi as we do. Luigi is denied hugs and other physical signs of affection. He isn’t allowed to participate in group activities. Our physicians don’t believe he will ever grow past this stage, physically or emotionally. Though we try to give him as normal life as we can, we realize many would find his isolation and treatment barbaric. All we can do is try to keep everyone safe.

On that somber note, we remind you that we feed the zombie children so you won’t have to.

Zombie Emergency Relief Organization

Friday Book Review: Zombie Day Care

zombie day care

Zombie Day Care by Craig Halloran packs a huge story into a small novel. Halloran creates a post apocalyptic zombieland where a college geek named Nate  saves the world by feeding his zombie girlfriend Fountain Dew and discovering its sedative properties.  After he posts a Youtube video of the phenomenon, people start managing zombies with Fountain Dew instead of killing them. Though he is hailed as the savior of humanity, the politics of zombies of dominate world conversation. Backed by the World Humanitarian Society (W.H.S.), Nate campaigns to find a cure for zombification, even as he begins to question the motives of his sponsor.
His former college roommate, Henry, is a scientist working for the W.H.S. at The Facility, a zombie day care/laboratory.  Henry deals professionally with the reality of caring for zombie children even though he thinks all zombies should be killed. His stepfather doesn’t agree, but that’s probably because his wife, Henry’s mother, is a zombie.

The characters in this fast paced novel are interesting and likable. It pulls the reader in and asks the question, what sacrifices would you make for your loved ones? Zombie Day Care shows the consequences of those actions.

Wednesday’s Child: A Twin No More

Twin Girls on Tricycles 1940

Twin Girls on Tricycles 1940 (Photo credit: born1945).

Twins can be scary. Two identical beings doing something totally harmless is changed with the addition of a little scary music into something terrifying. If twins in movies aren’t evil, there’s a good possibility it is a good twin-bad twin scenario, usually culminating in the bad twin attempting to kill his or her  sibling.  But what happens when you have two good twins, and one becomes a zombie?

Parents of twins Bethany and Julie never imagined the turn their life would take when the girls went into the family‘s fields to play one afternoon and Bethany was attacked by an adult zombie. Alerted by Julie’s screams of terror, they raced outside.  By the time they reached the girls, they could only save one.

As hard as it was for them to understand the random attack that turned one daughter into a zombie, it was harder to explain to her twin what the transformation meant to the sibling relationship. At first they attempted to care for Bethany at home. A large family farm, isolation from neighbors, and sturdy outbuildings all contributed to their belief that they could keep both daughters at home.  They soon learned that keeping a zombie child requires more than thick doors and sturdy locks.

With no stimulation or companionship, twin Bethany spent her waking hours trudging around the barn in a circle.  She kept her eyes on the floor, moaned lowly, and, on the rare occasions she had visitors, either ignored them or attempted to bite them. The bright, lively girl she’d once been turned into a shambling, dejected, defeated zombie.

Twin Julie missed her sister. The loss of her best and constant friend led to a fascination with the zombie lifestyle and risk taking behavior she hoped would turn her into a zombie, too. Her parents watched as Julie stopped eating anything except raw hamburger, refused to converse, only communicated via moans, and adopted a shuffling, ataxic gait. Her zombie impersonation was so accurate that an overzealous zombie vigilante took a shot at her one night. When the vigilante told her parents how he had almost killed her, they knew it was time to act.

Luckily the school guidance counselor was aware of the Zombie Emergency Relief Organization and quickly contacted our facility. We welcomed the entire family to our haven for an introduction to our services.  Julie was fascinated by the way our zombie kids interacted and played with others.  She watched as Bethany was introduced to other z kids and discovered that Bethany did communicate, just not like before.  Maybe it was the twin connection, but Julie quickly learned how to mimic the zombie moans and, to everyone’s surprise, by the end of their weekend stay Bethany and Julie were spending hours in moaning conversation with one another once more.

After an intensive weekend, the family returned to their farm and Bethany settled in to stay with us. Twice weekly Skype visits keep the family in touch, and Julie no longer desires to be a zombie kid. She’s found a way to keep the twin connection alive.

If you’re struggling with a similar situation, or know someone who is, shoot us an email at and receive information about upcoming events. We’re here to help.

Remember, we feed the zombie children so you won’t have to.

Zombie Playground

Zombie Playground (Photo credit: Jason Hutchens)