Wednesday’s Child: Brother Jacques

Every week the Zombie Emergency Relief Organization spotlights one of our zombie children. We hope these columns  help people look past the stigma of zombification and learn about the very real children whose lives are changed when they are struck down by this disease.

Today we join our newest resident in saying bonjour.  Jacques, a fourteen year old boy found last week wandering near Saint Joseph’s Oratory in Montreal,  is a sturdy lad. The plastic surgeon who did the initial intake theorized Jacques had worked on a farm or some other type of manual labor based on his calloused hands and well-developed upper body.  We estimate he entered a state of chronic decomposition less than a week before he was found.

Like all new children at our facility, Jacques was initially physically isolated from the other children and required monitoring  by two staff members.  His recent zombification meant increased muscle flexibility and skin integrity and we were concerned he might become aggressive. Instead his desire for brains was weak. When he was discovered, he was ineffectually swatting at pilgrims, but there were no attacks on humans attributed to him. After a mandatory forty-eight hour isolation period, we moved him to a two bedroom room and provided outside time two hours daily. He interacted appropriately and after forty-eight hours we moved him to our regular dormitory housing.

Since then he spends his free time playing a version of duck-duck-goose where he limps around a circle of chairs and slaps the backs of the empty chairs while vocalizing.  He likes to explore and after spying a bottle of maple syrup in the kitchen, he carried it around until dinner and then covered his cows brains in the sweet nectar. His enthusiastic appreciation involving clapping with delight and offering his fellow zombies maple syrup for their cow brains.  He follows the other children around, offering to help with their chores, opening doors and helping them clean up after meals and snacks. He is unfailingly polite and courteous to all who enter our facility.

The lovely Canadian gifts that we received, including this cute knit cap, are a source of joy to Jacques. We’ve been unable to get the cap off him since he first put it on.


Overall we’ve been impressed and pleased with our Canadian import. We think he feels the same about us.

Remember, we feed the zombie children so you won’t have to,

Zombie Emergency Relief Organization