2013 Year in Review at Feed the Zombie Children

English: Fireworks over Edinburgh on New Year'...

English: Fireworks over Edinburgh on New Year’s Eve (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

2013 was a busy year for the Zombie Emergency Relief Organization. For those of you just joining us, as well as those who want to remember the year that was, here is 2013 in review.

January 2013: Our call for surgeons and seamstresses to help maintain and repair our zombie kids is  met with overwhelming success. Over twenty-five board certified surgeons and thirty-two seamstresses answer our call and set up teams for both routine skin repairs and emergencies. The program comes to the attention of New England‘s premier academic medical center and they generously offer to use our facility as an internship location for surgical residents. The influx of students leads to the publication of several academic papers including “Tensile Strength in Zombie Skin: Implications for Plastic Surgeons” and “Microbial Pathogenesis in Undead Tissue.”

February 2013: After the government of Canada declares their opposition to sheltering zombies, we offer haven to orphaned Canadian zombie kids. What starts as a trickle, turns into a flood as Canadian parents and relatives that had been sheltering zombies cross the border to New Hampshire. Our population doubles in February, but the kind-hearted people of Canada donate money, clothing, and chain link fencing to help us accommodate the new arrivals.

March 2013: A New Hampshire state representative reveals his son as a zombie on the House floor. In the ensuing chaos, New Hampshire legislators begin drafting bills to either protect, or remove, the rights of zombie kids. Numerous candle light vigils and inflammatory blog posts illuminate the issue while the Legislature debates amending the state motto from “Live Free or Die” to the original toast it was derived from, “Live free or die: Death is not the worst of all evils.”

April 2013: We share our preservation method, brining, with the world. We turn down invitations to appear on “The View,” “The Daily Show,” and “The Talk.” After much coaxing, we reluctantly agree to appear on “The Tonight Show,” but the appearance never happens after an unfortunate incident with a curious audience member and one of our charges.

May 2013: We start construction on a second preserve at Lake Keowee South Carolina. Construction is slow, and the weather warm and we inadvertently discover that fire ants die after biting our zombie kids. Scientists convene to see if our kids have the solution to one of the South’s most vexing problems. Our preserve is the only fire ant free zone in South Carolina.

Fire ant nest

Fire ant nest (Photo credit: Martin LaBar (going on hiatus))

June 2013: A hot spell and lack of air conditioning result in the discovery that zombies slow down in prolonged heat, entering a hibernation-like state. Biologists from the South Carolina Department of Natural Resources arrive to investigate. Their conclusion? Even zombies have the sense not to work too hard in hot weather.

July 2013: Our New Hampshire facility gets dragged into a PETA demonstration. Misguided activists attempt to jump the fences and free the zombie kids. Our fences hold until the New Hampshire National Guard arrives. No zombie kids, or activists, are hurt.

August 2013: The Sea Shepherd arrives at Lake Keowee with plans to harass our zombie preserve by water and pitch a new show idea to the Discovery Channel. Helpful South Carolinians quickly assemble a flotilla of boats, kayaks, and rubber rafts to protect our shore. We provide cases of beer for the thirsty sailors and a sound system capable of being heard all the way to the ocean. Captain Paul Watson accepts defeat, and a cold Natty Light, before leaving the state.

September 2013: With construction complete at the end of September, we offer our New Hampshire staff members the opportunity to transfer to our South Carolina location. Unfortunately all of them decide to transfer and we make the sad decision to close our New Hampshire preserve and relocate all of our kids to South Carolina. The resulting savings in property taxes enables us to start construction on a second site on Lake Hartwell.

October 2013: A joyful month capped off by the marriage of our public relations director, Sarah Carpenter. Using our beautiful preserve as a backdrop, guests drank, ate, and played into the wee hours. Local celebrity, Tiny Dancer Josh, made a rare public appearance.

The bride and groom got in the spirit at a zombie themed Jack and Jill party pre-wedding

The bride and groom got in the spirit at a zombie themed Jack and Jill party pre-wedding

November 2013: We gave thanks in November by allowing our older kids to serve at several Oconee County homeless shelter Thanksgiving dinners. Dressed in turkey outfits, complete with masks, guests were kept safe and no spare body parts ended up in the stuffing.

December 2013: A peaceful moonlight Christmas Eve service at our lakeside retreat attracted over 200 community members to pray with us. Truly, we are in God’s land here.

We look forward to returning to regular posting in 2014, including our Friday Book Review feature. Upcoming book reviews include BREW by Bill Braddock and DEAD TIDE by Stephen North. Looking for something to read in the meantime? Below are a few of the books we reviewed in 2013.

Happy New Year from your friends at the Zombie Emergency Relief Organization.

The Undead Situationlast bastion of the living

Mallory Caine, Zombie at Law. She ate the sheriff, but she did not eat the deputy.

Mallory Caine, Zombie at Law. She ate the sheriff, but she did not eat the deputy.

kill the deaddead livingdouble deadpay me in flesh

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At Night, I Dream of Escape

This morning, I sip my coffee on the shores of Lake Keowee with a heavy heart. Powered by an internet video that purports to be the thoughts of a zombie child, a movement to euthanize zombie children has spread across our country like a  fast-moving plague. The Zombie Emergency Relief Organization’s site has been deluged with plaintive pleas to exterminate the children we have pledged to protect.

Last night, our New Hampshire headquarters was infiltrated by a member of an extremist group who claim zombie children deserve to be “released from their diseased bodies.” This group, Citizens for the Responsibility and Protection of Zombies, has taken to the airwaves and internet to demand the execution of every zombie as a humanitarian gesture. Even though they didn’t access the grounds of our zombie sanctuary, they did compromise our computer system and, to the best of our knowledge so far, managed to steal our donor list and blue prints for both of our facilities. As I write this, we have increased our security level to DEFCON 2, effectively sealing off both of our New Hampshire and Lake Keowee zombie preserves to anyone except security-clearance Alpha staff.  No family members, outside vendors, donors, or visiting professionals will be admitted to our facility until further notice. We are saddened to resort to these measures, but we must safeguard our zombie children.

After much soul-searching, I have decided not to post the video that has spawned this controversy on our website. It is an inflammatory mix of haunting music, disturbing images, and a voice-over that, quite frankly, breaks my heart. Instead I will provide a text-only version for our readers. As you read this, remember that this communication was allegedly transmitted to an interpreter through a combination of grunts and eye blinking. The 16 year old zombie girl featured in the video did not speak these words aloud or write these words down. This is an interpretation.

Transcript of video titled: At Night, We Dream of Escape

“Two years ago, I was taken from the world of the living and plunged into the world of the shambling. I became a zombie. I saw the fear in my parent’s eyes when they realized what I had become and I tried to tell them that I still lived within this decomposing body, but the words didn’t come. They put bars on the windows of my bedroom and pushed rotten meat in through a slot in the door. Otherwise, my room remained the same. They left the pink canopy bed and the rows of trophies that lined my bookcases. My closet hung full of clothes: the pale yellow, off-shoulder dress I wore to my eighth grade graduation dance, the burgundy gown from my aunt’s wedding, the uniform I wore to Catholic school. My drawers bulged with clothes: competition swimsuits, t-shirts from meets, my first bra. Nothing changed in my room, except me.

Time had no meaning for me in this room. No favorite T.V. shows to watch. No classes to attend. No family nights out for dinner, mini golf, and ice cream. The sun rose and set. The seasons changed from bright green foliage filled with the sounds of birds to a cold, white wasteland, the only sound the howling of the wind. I heard sounds outside my room, but the singing of happy birthday, Christmas carols, and the Star Spangled Banner didn’t include me. I was held captive in the room and ignored, except when the food slot opened and my mother or father hurriedly push3e the meat through as they looked the other way.

My neighbors came for me. Loud, angry voices that echoed outside our house. Bring out the monster, they called. But, my parents would not give me up. Shortly after that, my parents put me in a van and drove me deep into the woods and turned me loose.

When I was discovered, the locals took pity on me and built a dirt-floored hut to contain me. They tried in various ways to communicate with me, and finally they did. They asked if I had something I’d like to say to my parents and I do.

At night, I dream of escape. Escape from this life. Why didn’t you kill me, mom and dad, instead of leaving me in this shell of a body that rots a little bit every day? When I was born, you promised to care for me and put my needs first. Now that I’m a flesh-eating monster, because, yes, though I eat raw meat I crave human flesh and would gladly rip you to pieces and eat you if given the chance, why keep me alive in this torment? Every day I watch the world I used to live in slip further and further away. The grace and speed that won six state swim championships has been replaced by a staggering, lurching walk. Huge chunks of my hair have fallen out, strips of flesh are missing from my face, and my nose, the family nose dad always said, is only a gaping hole. I peer into my water bowl and see the destruction and if I could, I would cry.

I know you think keeping me alive is the right thing to do, but it is not. I speak for all of my zombie brothers and sisters when I tell you this, at night, we dream of escape. We dream of death. Help us.” End of Transcript.

We will provide additional information as it becomes available, but in the meantime ask you to continue to support the zombie children and the Zombie Emergency Relief Organization as we set out to prove that this communication is nothing but a scam.

Sincerely,

Renee Maynes, Chief Medical Officer, Zombie Emergency Relief Organization

Wednesday’s Child: Love Among The Body Parts

Sometimes it’s hard to see the beauty in the work of the Zombie Emergency Research Organization. No matter how hard we try to preserve the integrity of the zombie kids, decomposition is a constant threat. Whenever I overwhelmed and discouraged, I know where to look to have my faith in our mission restored. I’d like to draw your attention to today’s Wednesday’s Children, Remi and Julia.

Wedding Dress For Happy Couple in Love

Wedding Dress For Happy Couple in Love (Photo credit: epSos.de) Remi and Julia will never realize their dreams of a white wedding, but they have each other, and that’s enough.

Remi and Julia were gangly 13 year olds when they met at a summer camp in the White Mountains. Remi, a Louisiana native, had recently moved to New Hampshire with his family.  His parents hoped camp would help him make friends before the school year began.  Julia, a native of the White Mountains, had never met anyone outside of New England and was fascinated by Remi’s southern accent and his tales of bayous and gators.  Remi fell in love with Julia’s quick wit and fly fishing skills. By the end of their first day together, they were inseparable. By the time 8th grade started, they were going steady.

couple

couple (Photo credit: zoetnet) From 8th grade through senior year, their love remained strong.

There are those who scoff at young love. Those who point to statistics and anecdotes and suggest that it’s impossible to find your soul mate at such an early age. Remi and Julia’s families and friends would beg to differ. As the years passed, the couple continued to be devoted to each other.  Not as teenagers who clung to each other out of weakness, but as mature young adults who cherished their relationship without feeling the need to exclude the rest of the world. They talked of marriage and children, but planned to wait until after college. He wanted to be a chef. She dreamed of being a lawyer. They spent the summer of their senior year as camp counselors at the camp they’d met at.

Late one night, long after everyone else had retired to their tents, Remi and Julia sat by the fire. Perhaps they sat quietly holding hands, or maybe they talked of college applications and SAT‘s.  In any case, the quiet night was interrupted by screams from a nearby tent of eight year olds. Remi and Julia ran to the tent and discovered one of the campers had underwent zombification. While Julia led the other campers to safety, Remi distracted the zombie child with loud movements. In the cramped confines of a tent illuminated only by flashlight, Remi probably never saw the canteen he tripped on. Sensing an opportunity, the zombie child flung himself on the ground atop Remi and bit his ear. Julia reentered the tent and pulled the ravenous zombie off Remi, suffering a bite to her arm in the process. Fearing a black bear attack, the camp director arrived with a loaded gun and fatally shot the zombie child before any more damage could be done.

Unfortunately it was too late for Remi and Julia.

Knowing their fate, the couple went off into the woods together one last time. One can only imagine how difficult it is to fit a lifetime of love into a few short hours, but if anyone could do it, this couple could.

By the time the New Hampshire State Zombie Troopers arrived, four hours had passed. The couple’s parents pleaded for them to be rehabilitated rather than shot on sight. The Troopers made no promises. There was no way of knowing where the couple was or what they might have done. The mood was grim.

Trooper Adam Labounty, a twenty year veteran of the New Hampshire State Police, told us about the encounter:

“My partner and I headed to a waterfall we’d heard the kids liked to hang out at. When we got there, the dark clouds that had been around all night blew off and the full moon glinted off the water. We saw the couple under a tall tree near the water’s edge. Their moans weren’t the usual zombie sounds.  They moaned in harmony, as if they were singing a sad hymn. The other sounds of the forest faded away and their voices grew louder. My partner turned to me with a funny look on his face and said, can you hear that. It took me a minute until I realized they were moaning words.”

Labounty shook his head as if he still couldn’t make sense of it. “They were moaning I love you to one another. I mean, they were zombies. There was no doubt they’d turned. But they were talking. We crept up to them, our equipment at the ready, but they didn’t try to escape. In fact, they moved closer together. And that’s when we saw they were holding hands.”

“Damnedest thing I ever saw. Two zombies holding hands, staring into each others eyes, moaning I love you.” He swiped at his eyes. “That wasn’t the strangest thing, though. They’d tied themselves to the tree, must have been before they turned. Never made a move at us. We stood there with our guns pointed, feeling like jack asses to be honest, and I looked at my partner and said, I’m not shooting them. He wouldn’t either. We secured them and turned them over to their parents.”

The parents dropped the couple off with us and if you ever get the opportunity to visit our sanctuary, you’ll see and hear Remi and Julia. Still holding hands, still moaning I love you, still trying to cram a lifetime of love into the time they have left.

True love can’t be stopped, even by the zombie virus.

Happy Wednesday from your friends at the Zombie Emergency Relief Organization.

Zombie Children Coming To Your Town (Maybe)

lake keowee

lake keowee (Photo credit: zen) Still keeping our exact location a secret, but it’s in this general vicinity.

The Zombie Emergency Response Organization (ZERO) is  proud to announce we’re opening a second sanctuary for zombie children in beautiful upstate South Carolina. Though the majority of our residents are from New England and Canada, there are an increasing number of referrals from Florida, Georgia, North and South Carolina.  Part of our mission includes keeping the families of these children, when we can identify them, involved in their child’s life.  Our New England location, convenient to several major interstates, is convenient for northern families and facilitates their ability to visit and spend time with their zombie kids.  Unfortunately the rising cost of airfare and gas has robbed many southern families of the means to visit their children more than once or twice a year.  We’ve tried to fill the need with chartered buses and allowing families to travel by our Underground Railroad system, but these methods proved to be too much of a security risk and we’ve had to discontinue them.

When we surveyed the country to see what resources were available to zombie children we found that the West Coast zombie children have been embraced by Scientology. The Southwest protects their zombies on Indian Reservations. The Midwest, Alaska, and Hawaii steadfastly maintain they have no zombie children within their border.  The only area without a zombie plan is the South. This information led to our decision to open  a new sanctuary on Lake Keowee in South Carolina to accommodate zombie children from Southern states.

Lake Keowee, a manmade lake constructed by Duke Energy, offers several large islands as well as secluded, non-developed coves that are capable of keeping our children physically segregated and secure. The temperate weather will save our organization the high cost of New England fuel. The low taxes will free up money for additional staff members and plant improvements. The famed hospitality of South Carolinian‘s will prevent the occasional stand-off that takes place in New Hampshire between local residents and lost family members.

Our initial plans include a fifty-bed housing unit as well as ten lakeside cabins for visiting family. We’ve already received our permits and are putting up fences and pouring concrete. Our projected opening date is September 2013 and we’ll be accepting applications and referrals starting June 13, 2013.

Remember, we feed the zombie kids so you won’t have to.

Zombie Emergency Relief Organization

N.H. State Rep Comes Out in Support of Zombie Children

project-zero

Contact: Zombie Emergency Relief Organization at feedthezombiechildren@gmail.com

http://feedthezombiechildren.org/                                         FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

NEW HAMPSHIRE HOUSE REP ANNOUNCES SUPPORT OF ZOMBIE EMERGENCY RELIEF ORGANIZATION

Concord, New Hampshire, 3/18/2012

New Hampshire House of Representative member, Haywood Jablome (Dem), announced today he will sponsor a bill to provide Health and Human Service Funding for the Zombie Emergency Relief Organization. This comes on the heels of Haywood’s unprecedented revelation that his thirteen year old son, Derek, is a zombie.

At an emotional press conference, with son Derek at his side, Haywood poured out his family‘s heartbreak. Derek, a short-statured middle school student, had been taking human growth hormone treatments (HGH) prescribed by a local physician. After the mini zombapocalypse the doctor advised stopping the shots due to the danger of infection with the zombie virus. For almost three years, Derek remained the smallest child in his class and suffered the daily humiliation and disappointment of being shorter than average. His family tried to provide positive experiences, such as enrolling him in a young jockey program, but Derek clung to his dream of making the middle school B basketball team. When Cratchit Pharmaceuticals reopened, under new management and strict FDA oversight, Derek begged to restart his HGH treatments. Haywood, and his wife Priscilla, grudgingly agreed.

Unfortunately, contaminated HGH product remained on the shelves at the local pharmacy and Derek’s first injection led to zombie virus infection.

In addition to a bill to provide state funding to our organization, Representative Haywood is also sponsoring “Derek’s Bill,” which will provide resources for the New Hampshire State Board of Pharmacy to inspect all N.H. pharmacies and remove contaminated HGH products.

The Zombie Emergency Relief Organization lauds Representative Haywood and his wife for going public with this news. Far too many parents of zombie children are embarrassed and ashamed of their child’s condition. Keeping the disease secret stigmatizes the infected and blocks efforts to find funding for research into a cure. Representative Haywood’s willingness to share his family’s pain will serve as a catalyst for other parents who are hiding their zombie children in closets, basements, and outbuildings. We can’t find a cure if we don’t acknowledge the problem.

A march on the State House, led by Representative Jablome, is planned for mid May.

Ask Us A Question, We Won’t Tell You A Lie

Our mailbox is overflowing with questions from people curious about specific aspects of the Zombie Emergency Relief Organization. Today, we will answer some of those questions.

Question Mark Graffiti

Question Mark Graffiti (Photo credit: Bilal Kamoon)

From Dennis in Idaho: Why do you feed the children cow brains and how many brains do you go through on a yearly basis?

Dennis,  please refer to this link: http://feedthezombiechildren.org/2012/10/30/i-feed-zombies-so-you-dont-have-to/ for the full story on how we came to our decision to use cow brains. As far as how many we go through on an annual basis, each full-grown cow brain is a little shy of 1 pound. Our nutritionists have carefully calculated that zombie children need approximately 1/2 pound of brain per day to keep them active and healthy. Therefore the amount of brains depends on how many children we have on-site. Currently we house 200 zombie kids, resulting in the consumption of approximately 36,500 pounds annually or 16 1/2 metric tons.

Mmmm. Brains.

Mmmm. Brains. (Photo credit: owenstache)

From Caroline in Seattle: Are there any plans to make your zombie kid restraint devices available to the general public? It seems they would come in handy for people who are keeping their zombie kids at home.

Caroline, handling zombie children is best left to professionals. Our team of zombie happiness engineers work to ensure each restraint is as humane and pain-free as possible. Unfortunately we feel making them available to people without the proper training and support would only result in tragedy. On the advice of our legal team, there are no plans to market our devices.

Restraint Chairs

Restraint Chairs (Photo credit: j_bary)

Rex from the Florida Panhandle: In my area, many people die while waiting for organ transplants. Can’t the zombies be put to use for spare parts?

Rex, aside from the ethical issues, zombies exist in a chronic state of decomposition. Transplanting a zombie organ into a live human wouldn’t help the human, instead they would now have a totally non-working organ which would hasten the death of the recipient.

English: Dr. Ehtuish Preforming An Organ Trans...

English: Dr. Ehtuish Preforming An Organ Transplant. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Scott from Cincinnati: Are there any plans to open up your zombie preserve for hunting opportunities?

Scott, if you can look at the faces of our kids and want to shoot them, there is too much wrong with you to address in this post. Please contact a mental health professional and get the help you so desperately need.

Delilah from New Hampshire: I’ve heard airlines are planning a rule change to prohibit transport of zombies. Are you opening up additional havens for zombie kids in the Midwest and West Coast?

Deliliah, we’ve been in contact with airline executives about this troubling rule change. Our preferred method of transport is through our underground zombie railroad (read the post at http://feedthezombiechildren.org/2012/10/15/the-zombie-underground-railroad/), but in some cases we’ve been forced to rely on air transport. Currently we can fly zombie kids in hardcover golf club cases as checked baggage for a reasonable fee. If this practice is stopped, it will negatively impact our ability to take zombie kids from the West Coast. Though we have no plans to open any additional facilities, we have recently added a Washington lobbyist to our staff and hope he can resolve this issue to our satisfaction.

Carousel 4

Carousel 4 (Photo credit: gloom)

Do you have a question? Send it to us at feedthezombiechildren@gmail. com for an answer. Remember, we feed the zombie kids so you won’t have to.

Zombie Emergency Rescue Organization