The Politics of Zombies

At the Zombie Emergency Relief Organization, we’re not big fans of Congressional hearings. Quite frankly, our country dodged a bullet when the anabolic steroids favored by most professional athletes weren’t acquired from Cratchit Pharmaceuticals, purveyors of the tainted testosterone that turned so many height-challenged youngsters into chronic decomposers. A grandstanding Congressional hearing and hindsight presents disasters, it doesn’t prevent them.

The congressional version of wasting time at the water cooler.

The congressional version of wasting time at the water cooler.

Whether or not Urban Outfitters makes prescription bottles into shot glasses or coffee mugs isn’t as important as rising student loan rates or our failing highway infrastructure, but sound bite wins over significance every time.

Does Congress really need to debate whether these condone drug use?

Does Congress really need to debate whether these condone drug use?

And, really, does Congress need to investigate the ludicrous accusation that sanctuaries, such as ours, are enslaving zombie children and depriving them of their rights? It is amazing the contradictory arguments the anti-zombie zealots will make in an attempt to reach their goal of a zombie-free world.

Last week’s inflammatory viral video (see previous post “At Night, I Dream of Escape”), that claims to interpret the thoughts of a zombie child, gained enough popularity that it was featured on Fox News. Since then, anti-zombie groups have focused on getting out two messages. First, zombie children still retain their humanity because they can reason and second, their state of chronic decomposition renders them terminally ill and eligible for euthanasia.  The Zombie Emergency Relief Organization flatly renounces both of these positions.

As far as zombie children retaining the ability to think, we agree that there is some basic level of cognition going on. Our Wednesday’s Child spotlight posts have provided examples of zombie kids recalling and reenacting their pre-zombie life, including:

Remy and Julia, a love that survived their zombification.

Cara the Caregiver, who continues to make a difference assisting our seamstresses and surgeons.

Brother Jacques, our Canadian import, who sets the bar for helpfulness and cleanliness.

Valentina, who walks the catwalk in our facility, rather than the runways of New York.

Each child shows evidence of remembering traces of the life they used to lead. Though our research, at this time, is confined to observing and recording their behavior, we are in the process of teaming up with a major academic medical center to do in-depth studies on the neurobiology of zombie children. Until we have concrete, reproducible data to either support or refute the notion that these children retain human cognition, we will continue to offer them refuge rather than death. To us they remain children, incapable of informed consent, and certainly not candidates for euthanasia.

We hope you understand and support our position.  Remember, we feed the zombie children so you won’t have to.

Your Friends at the Zombie Emergency Relief Organization.

Wednesday’s Child: Smiling Jack

Here at the Zombie Emergency Relief Organization we believe in the power of children, even when they’re zombie children. Our Wednesday’s Child spotlight attempts to erase the stigma of zombification and introduce our readers to the amazing children we share our lives with.

Popular stereotypes paint zombies as unfeeling, uncaring, dour-appearing creatures of gloom. They shuffle along like aging inmates going to their last meal while moaning as if they’re getting a root canal without anesthetic. They flail their arms and drag their legs and generally act in a manner that causes wise people to flee. For those of you who think of zombies in these terms, you don’t know Jack.

jack smiling

Jack, an exuberant nine-year old, takes his smile everywhere he goes. His favorite activities include dance-dance revolution and karaoke. Before his zombification he took voice and dance lessons with the dream of eventually starring on Broadway.  With the help of his older sister, he developed an act that he performed at small fairs, senior centers, and strip malls throughout his home state.  Nicknamed “Little Mr. Entertainment,” he was auditioning for a reality tv show when he was stricken by the Infection. As soon as the producers heard of his affliction, they broke off contact with the family and left Jack heartbroken and mourning the opportunities the zombie virus had stolen from him.

Shortly afterwards, his parents were killed by vigilantes intent on destroying all victims of the Great Infection.  Luckily, his parents had entrusted Jack to out-of-state relatives who knew of our organization. We welcomed Jack with open arms and he thanked us by putting on our first all zombie revue. Since then, he has appeared in most of our print ads and television commercials as well as continuing to dance and sing for our community get togethers. Jack’s working portfolio continues to grow and, who knows, someday he might get a chance at Broadway after all.

The Broadway Theatre, showing the musical The ...

The Broadway Theatre, showing the musical The Color Purple 1681 Broadway, Manhattan, New York City (Photo credit: Wikipedia)