The Politics of Zombies

At the Zombie Emergency Relief Organization, we’re not big fans of Congressional hearings. Quite frankly, our country dodged a bullet when the anabolic steroids favored by most professional athletes weren’t acquired from Cratchit Pharmaceuticals, purveyors of the tainted testosterone that turned so many height-challenged youngsters into chronic decomposers. A grandstanding Congressional hearing and hindsight presents disasters, it doesn’t prevent them.

The congressional version of wasting time at the water cooler.

The congressional version of wasting time at the water cooler.

Whether or not Urban Outfitters makes prescription bottles into shot glasses or coffee mugs isn’t as important as rising student loan rates or our failing highway infrastructure, but sound bite wins over significance every time.

Does Congress really need to debate whether these condone drug use?

Does Congress really need to debate whether these condone drug use?

And, really, does Congress need to investigate the ludicrous accusation that sanctuaries, such as ours, are enslaving zombie children and depriving them of their rights? It is amazing the contradictory arguments the anti-zombie zealots will make in an attempt to reach their goal of a zombie-free world.

Last week’s inflammatory viral video (see previous post “At Night, I Dream of Escape”), that claims to interpret the thoughts of a zombie child, gained enough popularity that it was featured on Fox News. Since then, anti-zombie groups have focused on getting out two messages. First, zombie children still retain their humanity because they can reason and second, their state of chronic decomposition renders them terminally ill and eligible for euthanasia.  The Zombie Emergency Relief Organization flatly renounces both of these positions.

As far as zombie children retaining the ability to think, we agree that there is some basic level of cognition going on. Our Wednesday’s Child spotlight posts have provided examples of zombie kids recalling and reenacting their pre-zombie life, including:

Remy and Julia, a love that survived their zombification.

Cara the Caregiver, who continues to make a difference assisting our seamstresses and surgeons.

Brother Jacques, our Canadian import, who sets the bar for helpfulness and cleanliness.

Valentina, who walks the catwalk in our facility, rather than the runways of New York.

Each child shows evidence of remembering traces of the life they used to lead. Though our research, at this time, is confined to observing and recording their behavior, we are in the process of teaming up with a major academic medical center to do in-depth studies on the neurobiology of zombie children. Until we have concrete, reproducible data to either support or refute the notion that these children retain human cognition, we will continue to offer them refuge rather than death. To us they remain children, incapable of informed consent, and certainly not candidates for euthanasia.

We hope you understand and support our position.  Remember, we feed the zombie children so you won’t have to.

Your Friends at the Zombie Emergency Relief Organization.

Wednedsay’s Child: Valentina, Our Russian Doll

Russian Doll

Russian Doll (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The Zombie Emergency Relief Organization spotlights one of our precious zombie children weekly to help fight zombie prejudice and remind our readers that a child is a child, no matter the state of their decomposition.

Valentina, our little Russian doll, has suffered more than most. The privileged, only child of a Moscow millionaire, Valentina was sent to the United States at the tender age of eight to attend a prestigious New York boarding school. Her father, fearful of her safety, sent three bodyguards to protect her and kept a private jet on standby to return her to Moscow at the first sign of unhappiness or trouble.

Private Jet Boeing 737-200

Private Jet Boeing 737-200 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Valentina, who dreamt of becoming a fashion designer, loved New York City and, though her father missed her terribly, she kept in touch with daily Skype calls and he visited as much as his busy schedule allowed. After four years of living in the States, he let his guard down. And then the Great Infection occurred.


Even if her father’s jet had remained on standby, poor Valentina would not have withstood the onslaught of her three ex-KGB, flesh-eating bodyguards. What was first diagnosed as “roid rage,” turned out to be New York’s first zombie diagnoses. The bodyguards inadvertently injected themselves with tainted testosterone and relegated Valentina to a state of chronic decomposition. By the time her father arrived at her bedside in New York, the CDC was already involved. There weren’t enough rubles or threats to make them surrender custody of Valentina to her father. Fearful of an international incident, a deal was struck. Valentina would be transported to our facility.

HIgh security fencing

HIgh security fencing (Photo credit: Martyn @ Negaro)

When her father sent a contingent of mercenaries to rescue her, our impeccable security measures paid off in a way we’d never anticipated. They quickly realized the impossibility of their task and Valentina’s father came to accept that she would never return to Moscow.  Instead, he turned his efforts to making sure his daughter received the best care his money could buy.

For her part, Valentina easily adjusted to our facility. Her experience at the boarding school had provided her with all of the necessary coping skills to live in shared housing. In the girl’s dorm, she is the resident fashion expert and delights in having impromptu fashion shows, using her dorm mates as models.  Though none of them walk the runway like a pro, Valentina’s enthusiasm is infectious and the other zombie kids eagerly line the runway to watch the shuffling.  Her father has installed a state of the art sound and light system to duplicate the runway fashion shows that Valentina once so eagerly watched in New York. For her birthday, he flew out a prominent deejay as well as an assortment of supermodels so Valentina could view the latest fashions. His love for her continues in spite of the fact he can never hold her in his arms, nuzzle his head against her long, dark hair, and tell her he loves her without risking a bite.

Don’t wait for the zombie apocalypse, this Valentine’s Day take a moment to tell those you love and care about exactly how you feel.

Valentines Hearts Soy Wax Melts

Valentines Hearts Soy Wax Melts (Photo credit: Soy of the North)

Happy Valentine’s Day from your friends at the Zombie Emergency Relief Organization. We feed the zombies so you won’t have to.