At Night, I Dream of Escape

This morning, I sip my coffee on the shores of Lake Keowee with a heavy heart. Powered by an internet video that purports to be the thoughts of a zombie child, a movement to euthanize zombie children has spread across our country like a  fast-moving plague. The Zombie Emergency Relief Organization’s site has been deluged with plaintive pleas to exterminate the children we have pledged to protect.

Last night, our New Hampshire headquarters was infiltrated by a member of an extremist group who claim zombie children deserve to be “released from their diseased bodies.” This group, Citizens for the Responsibility and Protection of Zombies, has taken to the airwaves and internet to demand the execution of every zombie as a humanitarian gesture. Even though they didn’t access the grounds of our zombie sanctuary, they did compromise our computer system and, to the best of our knowledge so far, managed to steal our donor list and blue prints for both of our facilities. As I write this, we have increased our security level to DEFCON 2, effectively sealing off both of our New Hampshire and Lake Keowee zombie preserves to anyone except security-clearance Alpha staff.  No family members, outside vendors, donors, or visiting professionals will be admitted to our facility until further notice. We are saddened to resort to these measures, but we must safeguard our zombie children.

After much soul-searching, I have decided not to post the video that has spawned this controversy on our website. It is an inflammatory mix of haunting music, disturbing images, and a voice-over that, quite frankly, breaks my heart. Instead I will provide a text-only version for our readers. As you read this, remember that this communication was allegedly transmitted to an interpreter through a combination of grunts and eye blinking. The 16 year old zombie girl featured in the video did not speak these words aloud or write these words down. This is an interpretation.

Transcript of video titled: At Night, We Dream of Escape

“Two years ago, I was taken from the world of the living and plunged into the world of the shambling. I became a zombie. I saw the fear in my parent’s eyes when they realized what I had become and I tried to tell them that I still lived within this decomposing body, but the words didn’t come. They put bars on the windows of my bedroom and pushed rotten meat in through a slot in the door. Otherwise, my room remained the same. They left the pink canopy bed and the rows of trophies that lined my bookcases. My closet hung full of clothes: the pale yellow, off-shoulder dress I wore to my eighth grade graduation dance, the burgundy gown from my aunt’s wedding, the uniform I wore to Catholic school. My drawers bulged with clothes: competition swimsuits, t-shirts from meets, my first bra. Nothing changed in my room, except me.

Time had no meaning for me in this room. No favorite T.V. shows to watch. No classes to attend. No family nights out for dinner, mini golf, and ice cream. The sun rose and set. The seasons changed from bright green foliage filled with the sounds of birds to a cold, white wasteland, the only sound the howling of the wind. I heard sounds outside my room, but the singing of happy birthday, Christmas carols, and the Star Spangled Banner didn’t include me. I was held captive in the room and ignored, except when the food slot opened and my mother or father hurriedly push3e the meat through as they looked the other way.

My neighbors came for me. Loud, angry voices that echoed outside our house. Bring out the monster, they called. But, my parents would not give me up. Shortly after that, my parents put me in a van and drove me deep into the woods and turned me loose.

When I was discovered, the locals took pity on me and built a dirt-floored hut to contain me. They tried in various ways to communicate with me, and finally they did. They asked if I had something I’d like to say to my parents and I do.

At night, I dream of escape. Escape from this life. Why didn’t you kill me, mom and dad, instead of leaving me in this shell of a body that rots a little bit every day? When I was born, you promised to care for me and put my needs first. Now that I’m a flesh-eating monster, because, yes, though I eat raw meat I crave human flesh and would gladly rip you to pieces and eat you if given the chance, why keep me alive in this torment? Every day I watch the world I used to live in slip further and further away. The grace and speed that won six state swim championships has been replaced by a staggering, lurching walk. Huge chunks of my hair have fallen out, strips of flesh are missing from my face, and my nose, the family nose dad always said, is only a gaping hole. I peer into my water bowl and see the destruction and if I could, I would cry.

I know you think keeping me alive is the right thing to do, but it is not. I speak for all of my zombie brothers and sisters when I tell you this, at night, we dream of escape. We dream of death. Help us.” End of Transcript.

We will provide additional information as it becomes available, but in the meantime ask you to continue to support the zombie children and the Zombie Emergency Relief Organization as we set out to prove that this communication is nothing but a scam.


Renee Maynes, Chief Medical Officer, Zombie Emergency Relief Organization

Wednesday’s Child: Cara The Caregiver

On Wednesday, the Zombie Emergency Relief Organization likes to spotlight one child to demonstrate that our residents are children first, and zombies second.

Cara, a sixteen year old girl from New Hampshire, had dreams of becoming a nurse prior to her zombification. She volunteered twice weekly at a local nursing home, spent her Saturdays doing clerical work at Big Brothers – Big Sisters, and participated in a reading program at the local elementary school.  While some teenagers fill their schedule with activities destined to look good on college and scholarship applications, Cara’s interest lay not in what the volunteer work could do for her, but in what she could accomplish with her volunteer work.  Her plans included applying to a local community college to obtain a nursing degree.  Whether she focused on geriatrics or pediatrics was still up in the air.  A true asset to her community, her human life was cut short during a Big Brother – Big Sister outing when one of the boys turned. In order to protect another human life, Cara sacrificed hers.

English: Hungarian Medals for Bravery little s...

English: Hungarian Medals for Bravery little silver (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Of course there is no medal of bravery for those who turn into zombies. Cara’s parents found that in spite of all of the help Cara provided, no one was willing to return the favor. Her parents confined her to a cellar room and hoped that vigilantes would not arrive to finish her off. It was a grim existence for a family that had lived such a purpose-filled life.

The Zombie Emergency Relief Organization has a cadre of dedicated volunteers who scour the internet and local newspapers for reports of recently turned zombie children. The weekly newspaper of Cara’s small hometown lay at the bottom of a reading pile for several months, but when we heard of Cara’s plight, we immediately offered her housing. Her grateful parents accepted our offer and three months after her zombification, Cara became a full-time resident here.

Since then she has blossomed in our facility and her natural desire to help has become a blessing for which we are grateful. She assists with new arrivals, walking beside them for hours in quiet companionship and solidarity. She volunteers in our daycare  area. She even works in our medical unit, assisting the surgeons and seamstresses by helping to position and calm other residents as repairs are made.

Contracting a dread disease did not change Cara’s desire to help make this world a better place. In some ways, it has made it stronger.  The next time you see a zombie child, look past the decomposing skin and gnashing teeth and picture the child within.  Perhaps she’s the girl who once sold you Girl Scout cookies or made the winning goal on your daughter’s soccer team. Maybe it’s the boy who mowed your lawn or was in your Boy Scout troop.  Their past is gone, but you can help make their future a better place by showing compassion.

The Zombie Emergency Relief Organization

We feed the zombie children so you don’t have to.

N.H. State Rep Comes Out in Support of Zombie Children


Contact: Zombie Emergency Relief Organization at                                         FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE


Concord, New Hampshire, 3/18/2012

New Hampshire House of Representative member, Haywood Jablome (Dem), announced today he will sponsor a bill to provide Health and Human Service Funding for the Zombie Emergency Relief Organization. This comes on the heels of Haywood’s unprecedented revelation that his thirteen year old son, Derek, is a zombie.

At an emotional press conference, with son Derek at his side, Haywood poured out his family‘s heartbreak. Derek, a short-statured middle school student, had been taking human growth hormone treatments (HGH) prescribed by a local physician. After the mini zombapocalypse the doctor advised stopping the shots due to the danger of infection with the zombie virus. For almost three years, Derek remained the smallest child in his class and suffered the daily humiliation and disappointment of being shorter than average. His family tried to provide positive experiences, such as enrolling him in a young jockey program, but Derek clung to his dream of making the middle school B basketball team. When Cratchit Pharmaceuticals reopened, under new management and strict FDA oversight, Derek begged to restart his HGH treatments. Haywood, and his wife Priscilla, grudgingly agreed.

Unfortunately, contaminated HGH product remained on the shelves at the local pharmacy and Derek’s first injection led to zombie virus infection.

In addition to a bill to provide state funding to our organization, Representative Haywood is also sponsoring “Derek’s Bill,” which will provide resources for the New Hampshire State Board of Pharmacy to inspect all N.H. pharmacies and remove contaminated HGH products.

The Zombie Emergency Relief Organization lauds Representative Haywood and his wife for going public with this news. Far too many parents of zombie children are embarrassed and ashamed of their child’s condition. Keeping the disease secret stigmatizes the infected and blocks efforts to find funding for research into a cure. Representative Haywood’s willingness to share his family’s pain will serve as a catalyst for other parents who are hiding their zombie children in closets, basements, and outbuildings. We can’t find a cure if we don’t acknowledge the problem.

A march on the State House, led by Representative Jablome, is planned for mid May.

Zombie Children: Not for Sale or Rent

A kind of caution sign.

A kind of caution sign. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)




Since the Great Infection, aka mini zombie apocalypse, the Zombie Emergency Relief Organization has served as a clearinghouse for information on zombie children and a research lab of sorts. Our mission, providing caring, humane housing for orphaned zombie kids, has always focused on the needs of the children, rather than the needs of society. Some of our decisions, such as to feed the children cow’s brains, indirectly benefit humankind, in this case by diverting potentially Mad Cow infected matter from the human food stream. Other decisions, including our efforts to someday become a restraint-free facility, are of benefit only to our charges.


Our research activities have focused primarily on observing and recording zombie behavior. The dream that one day zombies and humans can co-exist will only occur if we find a way to stop zombies from eating human brains and a way to stop humans from killing zombies. Understanding the basics of how zombies exist and think brings us closer to this dream. Though there are organizations that have offered us money to, for example, test pharmaceuticals on our children or experiment to find the most efficient ways to kill them, it is easy to resist the lure of easy money when one is trying to change the world.


Recently, internet forums have buzzed with rumors that the Zombie Emergency Relief Organization is now in the business of renting and selling zombie children. E-bay auctions, featuring some of our better known children such as Smiling Jack and Valentina, have sprung up overnight with bidding going into the thousands of dollars. Other sites purport to sell our zombies by the pound, with the going price of zombies only slightly more expensive than Maine lobster. Conspiracy theorists accuse us of using the children for pharmaceutical research and show doctored photos of zombie kids that have died from experiments gone bad.


None of this is true.


Due to security, we can’t throw open the doors to our sanctuary and show people these are lies. We can install webcams to prove our children are well fed, treated with love, and not used as lab animals or sold as livestock. Hopefully these will be up and running by next week and the rumor mongers and zombie haters will, once again, have to turn their vicious lies elsewhere.


With great sadness tonight, we ask you to remember that we feed the zombie children so you won’t have to.


Zombie Emergency Relief Organization


Keeping them Safe in our Zombie Haven

Recently we sent our director of zombie children programming, Alana Carpenter,  to an adult zombie preserve to see if we could improve our system for keeping our charges safe. Unfortunately this did not turn out to be a no-kill zombie shelter providing forever homes as we were led to believe. Instead it was a hunting preserve, selling the opportunity to kill adult zombies for a price. The Zombie Emergency Relief Organization does not condone these types of activities and have filed a formal complaint with the People for Ethical Treatment of Zombies chapter.  WARNING: Graphic photo below

Unbeknownst to us, this type of torture was going on during our recent visit to an adult zombie preserve.

The heartbreaking situation we discovered at the adult camp refocused us on our efforts to provide a safe, humane, forever home for unwanted zombie children. Since the inception of our project, Alana’s mantra has been “Treat them as children before treating them as zombies.” And, as any parent knows, all children are different. Some enjoy play groups and sharing, while others prefer one-on-one interaction. Classifying our new intakes is the first step to ensure their overall happiness at our safe haven.  At intake we evaluate each individual zombie child, classify them appropriately based on potential risk of injury to themselves or others, and assign human companions.
We use a color system, explained below.
Red indicates potential flight risk and high risk of recidivism (returning to inappropriate biting behavior after they have been trained to avoid biting).  These children require the maximum attention from human companions and are assigned their own personal companion. Outside time is limited to a reinforced “Red” section which keeps the children separated from one another.  We also require muzzles on all children labeled as a red risk.

We check chain link security daily, but our most determined “Red” children sometimes find a weak spot.

Orange indicates a zombie child who is able to interact with their peers in a carefully monitored environment. Because of their advanced socialization, we are able to provide 1 human companion for every 3 zombie children and be confident in the security of our staff and our charges.  Children in the “Orange” group have community meals and outdoor time with one another. We do require muzzles during outdoor time as the children can become quite exuberant when allowed to play outside.

Two “Orange” rated children cooperatively playing one of our most popular games, Get In The Dumpster. Muzzles removed for picture.

Yellow indicates our highest functioning children. They are able to have “free roam” time when they can independently explore the grounds without restraints. They participate in arts and crafts and are served family style group meals. “Yellows” are able to perform many of the activities of daily living with associate with non zombies. They use plastic sporks to eat, dress themselves, and even help with food preparation.

Jack is one of our “Yellows.” Here he’s waiting for the evening meal to be served as he signifies, through his hand gesture, that he’s hungry.

The use of our color tier system honors the uniqueness of our zombie children and  gives them the individualized attention they received prior to their Infection.  Regular assessments allow for changes in the zombie child’s growth and development as, once in a safe environment with proper sustenance, they are able to learn new skills and behaviors.  Every Friday our zombie specialists meet with team leaders and human companions and determine if any of the children should be re-assigned based on their progress.
Our director Alana is willing to answer any questions left in the comments section.  Once again, thank you for taking the time to learn more about the Zombie Emergency Rescue Organization and we hope you’ll consider becoming a hero for Z.E.R.O.