Wednedsay’s Child: Valentina, Our Russian Doll

Russian Doll

Russian Doll (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The Zombie Emergency Relief Organization spotlights one of our precious zombie children weekly to help fight zombie prejudice and remind our readers that a child is a child, no matter the state of their decomposition.

Valentina, our little Russian doll, has suffered more than most. The privileged, only child of a Moscow millionaire, Valentina was sent to the United States at the tender age of eight to attend a prestigious New York boarding school. Her father, fearful of her safety, sent three bodyguards to protect her and kept a private jet on standby to return her to Moscow at the first sign of unhappiness or trouble.

Private Jet Boeing 737-200

Private Jet Boeing 737-200 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Valentina, who dreamt of becoming a fashion designer, loved New York City and, though her father missed her terribly, she kept in touch with daily Skype calls and he visited as much as his busy schedule allowed. After four years of living in the States, he let his guard down. And then the Great Infection occurred.


Even if her father’s jet had remained on standby, poor Valentina would not have withstood the onslaught of her three ex-KGB, flesh-eating bodyguards. What was first diagnosed as “roid rage,” turned out to be New York’s first zombie diagnoses. The bodyguards inadvertently injected themselves with tainted testosterone and relegated Valentina to a state of chronic decomposition. By the time her father arrived at her bedside in New York, the CDC was already involved. There weren’t enough rubles or threats to make them surrender custody of Valentina to her father. Fearful of an international incident, a deal was struck. Valentina would be transported to our facility.

HIgh security fencing

HIgh security fencing (Photo credit: Martyn @ Negaro)

When her father sent a contingent of mercenaries to rescue her, our impeccable security measures paid off in a way we’d never anticipated. They quickly realized the impossibility of their task and Valentina’s father came to accept that she would never return to Moscow.  Instead, he turned his efforts to making sure his daughter received the best care his money could buy.

For her part, Valentina easily adjusted to our facility. Her experience at the boarding school had provided her with all of the necessary coping skills to live in shared housing. In the girl’s dorm, she is the resident fashion expert and delights in having impromptu fashion shows, using her dorm mates as models.  Though none of them walk the runway like a pro, Valentina’s enthusiasm is infectious and the other zombie kids eagerly line the runway to watch the shuffling.  Her father has installed a state of the art sound and light system to duplicate the runway fashion shows that Valentina once so eagerly watched in New York. For her birthday, he flew out a prominent deejay as well as an assortment of supermodels so Valentina could view the latest fashions. His love for her continues in spite of the fact he can never hold her in his arms, nuzzle his head against her long, dark hair, and tell her he loves her without risking a bite.

Don’t wait for the zombie apocalypse, this Valentine’s Day take a moment to tell those you love and care about exactly how you feel.

Valentines Hearts Soy Wax Melts

Valentines Hearts Soy Wax Melts (Photo credit: Soy of the North)

Happy Valentine’s Day from your friends at the Zombie Emergency Relief Organization. We feed the zombies so you won’t have to.

Wednesday’s Child: A Twin No More

Twin Girls on Tricycles 1940

Twin Girls on Tricycles 1940 (Photo credit: born1945).

Twins can be scary. Two identical beings doing something totally harmless is changed with the addition of a little scary music into something terrifying. If twins in movies aren’t evil, there’s a good possibility it is a good twin-bad twin scenario, usually culminating in the bad twin attempting to kill his or her  sibling.  But what happens when you have two good twins, and one becomes a zombie?

Parents of twins Bethany and Julie never imagined the turn their life would take when the girls went into the family‘s fields to play one afternoon and Bethany was attacked by an adult zombie. Alerted by Julie’s screams of terror, they raced outside.  By the time they reached the girls, they could only save one.

As hard as it was for them to understand the random attack that turned one daughter into a zombie, it was harder to explain to her twin what the transformation meant to the sibling relationship. At first they attempted to care for Bethany at home. A large family farm, isolation from neighbors, and sturdy outbuildings all contributed to their belief that they could keep both daughters at home.  They soon learned that keeping a zombie child requires more than thick doors and sturdy locks.

With no stimulation or companionship, twin Bethany spent her waking hours trudging around the barn in a circle.  She kept her eyes on the floor, moaned lowly, and, on the rare occasions she had visitors, either ignored them or attempted to bite them. The bright, lively girl she’d once been turned into a shambling, dejected, defeated zombie.

Twin Julie missed her sister. The loss of her best and constant friend led to a fascination with the zombie lifestyle and risk taking behavior she hoped would turn her into a zombie, too. Her parents watched as Julie stopped eating anything except raw hamburger, refused to converse, only communicated via moans, and adopted a shuffling, ataxic gait. Her zombie impersonation was so accurate that an overzealous zombie vigilante took a shot at her one night. When the vigilante told her parents how he had almost killed her, they knew it was time to act.

Luckily the school guidance counselor was aware of the Zombie Emergency Relief Organization and quickly contacted our facility. We welcomed the entire family to our haven for an introduction to our services.  Julie was fascinated by the way our zombie kids interacted and played with others.  She watched as Bethany was introduced to other z kids and discovered that Bethany did communicate, just not like before.  Maybe it was the twin connection, but Julie quickly learned how to mimic the zombie moans and, to everyone’s surprise, by the end of their weekend stay Bethany and Julie were spending hours in moaning conversation with one another once more.

After an intensive weekend, the family returned to their farm and Bethany settled in to stay with us. Twice weekly Skype visits keep the family in touch, and Julie no longer desires to be a zombie kid. She’s found a way to keep the twin connection alive.

If you’re struggling with a similar situation, or know someone who is, shoot us an email at and receive information about upcoming events. We’re here to help.

Remember, we feed the zombie children so you won’t have to.

Zombie Playground

Zombie Playground (Photo credit: Jason Hutchens)