Five Ways to Raise Your Zombie Child at Home Without Alarming the Neighbors

Set free by parents who couldn't control him or an escapee from a poorly reinforced safe room? Either way, he is now at the mercy of whoever finds him.

Set free by parents who couldn’t control him or an escapee from a poorly reinforced safe room? Either way, he’s now at the mercy of whoever finds him.

So you want to keep your zombie child at home, but you don’t want the neighbors defacing your house with graffiti or attempting to burn it down with your zombie child inside? Follow these five simple steps to keep your child at home without alarming the neighbors.

1. Order your reinforcing supplies from multiple, out of area, online vendors.

If the Home Depot truck pulls up and starts offloading chicken wire, steel window bars, and acoustic tiles for soundproofing, some nosy Gladys Kravitz type will be on the phone to the neighborhood watch before the supplies cross your threshold. Order your supplies online and all your neighbors will know is that you’re getting a lot of packages.  If they do question the deliveries, make vague comments about Rottweiler puppies, precious metals, or strange sexual practices and let your neighbor fill in the blanks.

An alarm on the outside of the bedroom door guarantees you'll be warned if the inner security is breached.

An alarm on the outside of the bedroom door guarantees you’ll be warned if the inner security is breached.

2. Buy your brains from vendors that disguise the package.

If you purchase brains at the butcher, expect a visit from curious neighbors or the police. No one in their right mind eats them, so buying them marks you as either insane or as someone harboring a zombie. Cow-Brains-R-Us packs their brains in triple layer, leak-proof containers and marks their insulated boxes as prescription drugs. You can choose to pass off the boxes as deliveries of insulin, birth control rings, or glaucoma eye drops – all items needing refrigeration. And, since the brains are fresh frozen and vacuum sealed, they smell good, too.

zombie apocalypse, cow brains, ZERO

The days of walking down the street with a bucket of cow brains are long gone if you don’t want your home overrun by an angry mob.

3. Clean up inside.

Zombie kids are messy. Clumps of blood, hair, stray fingers and toes can make a mess of their clothing and smear all over your protective gear. Taking your helmet with face mask outside to hose it off will attract the neighborhood dogs and cats and get tongues wagging. Install a large industrial sink and indoor clothes line in a walled off part of your cellar to keep things clean, hygienic, and private.

Preventing accidental bites starts with the right protective gear. Don't forget to protect the neck.

Preventing accidental bites starts with the right protective gear. Don’t forget to protect the neck.

4. Plan trips out of the house under cover of night or costume.

Nothing alarms a neighbor more than looking out the window and seeing a muzzled zombie kid on the end of a hook. If you can’t wait until a moonless night to move your child, some proven techniques include placing the zombie kid’s head through the rungs of a ladder and resting it on their shoulders while you do the same. Onlookers will see two people carrying a ladder. You can also set up a catch stick on the middle of a kayak or canoe and have the zombie kid’s head inside the middle of the boat while you and another adult carry the front and back. Add authenticity by bragging about your midnight fish haul!

Mount one of these on the bottom of a ladder or kayak for a quick disguise when you need to get your kid out of the house.

Mount one of these on the bottom of a ladder or kayak for a quick disguise when you need to get your kid out of the house.

5. Decorate your house with anti zombie propaganda.

Yes, it’s hard when your loved one is a zombie to jump on the hate bandwagon, but it’s easy enough to keep the propaganda out of your house and away from your child. Try small, discreet yard signs near your shrubs, license plate holders, and small window decals to proclaim your hatred of all things zombie. Occasionally hinting that a neighbor is acting suspiciously also keeps the focus off you. If anyone should question you, racking a large shotgun while proclaiming you’d kill your mother if she turned into a zombie is usually enough to deter even the most annoying neighbors.

Even if it's a replica, the crisp realistic sound of a shotgun being loaded gets attention.

Even if it’s a replica, the crisp realistic sound of a shotgun being loaded gets attention.

Following these steps will make it less likely your secret is discovered, but the only guaranteed method to keep your child safe is to enroll them in a certified zombie preserve, such as the one we operate at Lake Keowee. Our preserve has all the safety and security features of a Supermax prison combined with the warmth and coziness of home. If nosy neighbors threaten your child, give the Zombie Emergency Relief Organization a call.

Remember, we feed the zombie children so you won’t have to.

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2013 Year in Review at Feed the Zombie Children

English: Fireworks over Edinburgh on New Year'...

English: Fireworks over Edinburgh on New Year’s Eve (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

2013 was a busy year for the Zombie Emergency Relief Organization. For those of you just joining us, as well as those who want to remember the year that was, here is 2013 in review.

January 2013: Our call for surgeons and seamstresses to help maintain and repair our zombie kids is  met with overwhelming success. Over twenty-five board certified surgeons and thirty-two seamstresses answer our call and set up teams for both routine skin repairs and emergencies. The program comes to the attention of New England‘s premier academic medical center and they generously offer to use our facility as an internship location for surgical residents. The influx of students leads to the publication of several academic papers including “Tensile Strength in Zombie Skin: Implications for Plastic Surgeons” and “Microbial Pathogenesis in Undead Tissue.”

February 2013: After the government of Canada declares their opposition to sheltering zombies, we offer haven to orphaned Canadian zombie kids. What starts as a trickle, turns into a flood as Canadian parents and relatives that had been sheltering zombies cross the border to New Hampshire. Our population doubles in February, but the kind-hearted people of Canada donate money, clothing, and chain link fencing to help us accommodate the new arrivals.

March 2013: A New Hampshire state representative reveals his son as a zombie on the House floor. In the ensuing chaos, New Hampshire legislators begin drafting bills to either protect, or remove, the rights of zombie kids. Numerous candle light vigils and inflammatory blog posts illuminate the issue while the Legislature debates amending the state motto from “Live Free or Die” to the original toast it was derived from, “Live free or die: Death is not the worst of all evils.”

April 2013: We share our preservation method, brining, with the world. We turn down invitations to appear on “The View,” “The Daily Show,” and “The Talk.” After much coaxing, we reluctantly agree to appear on “The Tonight Show,” but the appearance never happens after an unfortunate incident with a curious audience member and one of our charges.

May 2013: We start construction on a second preserve at Lake Keowee South Carolina. Construction is slow, and the weather warm and we inadvertently discover that fire ants die after biting our zombie kids. Scientists convene to see if our kids have the solution to one of the South’s most vexing problems. Our preserve is the only fire ant free zone in South Carolina.

Fire ant nest

Fire ant nest (Photo credit: Martin LaBar (going on hiatus))

June 2013: A hot spell and lack of air conditioning result in the discovery that zombies slow down in prolonged heat, entering a hibernation-like state. Biologists from the South Carolina Department of Natural Resources arrive to investigate. Their conclusion? Even zombies have the sense not to work too hard in hot weather.

July 2013: Our New Hampshire facility gets dragged into a PETA demonstration. Misguided activists attempt to jump the fences and free the zombie kids. Our fences hold until the New Hampshire National Guard arrives. No zombie kids, or activists, are hurt.

August 2013: The Sea Shepherd arrives at Lake Keowee with plans to harass our zombie preserve by water and pitch a new show idea to the Discovery Channel. Helpful South Carolinians quickly assemble a flotilla of boats, kayaks, and rubber rafts to protect our shore. We provide cases of beer for the thirsty sailors and a sound system capable of being heard all the way to the ocean. Captain Paul Watson accepts defeat, and a cold Natty Light, before leaving the state.

September 2013: With construction complete at the end of September, we offer our New Hampshire staff members the opportunity to transfer to our South Carolina location. Unfortunately all of them decide to transfer and we make the sad decision to close our New Hampshire preserve and relocate all of our kids to South Carolina. The resulting savings in property taxes enables us to start construction on a second site on Lake Hartwell.

October 2013: A joyful month capped off by the marriage of our public relations director, Sarah Carpenter. Using our beautiful preserve as a backdrop, guests drank, ate, and played into the wee hours. Local celebrity, Tiny Dancer Josh, made a rare public appearance.

The bride and groom got in the spirit at a zombie themed Jack and Jill party pre-wedding

The bride and groom got in the spirit at a zombie themed Jack and Jill party pre-wedding

November 2013: We gave thanks in November by allowing our older kids to serve at several Oconee County homeless shelter Thanksgiving dinners. Dressed in turkey outfits, complete with masks, guests were kept safe and no spare body parts ended up in the stuffing.

December 2013: A peaceful moonlight Christmas Eve service at our lakeside retreat attracted over 200 community members to pray with us. Truly, we are in God’s land here.

We look forward to returning to regular posting in 2014, including our Friday Book Review feature. Upcoming book reviews include BREW by Bill Braddock and DEAD TIDE by Stephen North. Looking for something to read in the meantime? Below are a few of the books we reviewed in 2013.

Happy New Year from your friends at the Zombie Emergency Relief Organization.

The Undead Situationlast bastion of the living

Mallory Caine, Zombie at Law. She ate the sheriff, but she did not eat the deputy.

Mallory Caine, Zombie at Law. She ate the sheriff, but she did not eat the deputy.

kill the deaddead livingdouble deadpay me in flesh

Moving and Changing

English: A part of Lake Keowee, in South Carolina.

English: A part of Lake Keowee, in South Carolina. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Well, it’s been a while since we’ve updated and we put the blame squarely on our move to South Carolina. Don’t get us wrong, South Carolina is beautiful, the people friendly, and the food delicious. We just had a difficult time adjusting to the Southern way of  life.

Our original plan to build our sanctuary at Lake Keowee called for erecting large, air-conditioned tents, and focusing our stick-built efforts on the kitchen area and intake center. The tents went up fine, a traveling circus crew and local catering company quickly erected five large tents that comfortably fit twenty-five zombie children each. The installation of air conditioning was another story.

It’s not that the zombie kids need air conditioning. They’re pretty resilient to extremes of temperature. Only prolonged subzero weather causes them to freeze up into a state we call “zombisicles.” Once defrosted, they function without any loss of movement, only needing a little stitching to tighten up the areas that expand when frozen. Extreme heat, we theorized, might cause their decomposition to accelerate. Air conditioning was a strategy to prevent that possibility.

Unfortunately, our air conditioning contractors decided that the current weather (hazy, hot, and humid with intermittent thunderstorms) was more amenable to fishing and story telling. They would come by each day, do a little work, and then head off to the lake to cool down. Said cooling down taking the majority of the day. As the temperature in the tents skyrocketed, so did our impatience to have air conditioning. We had a timeline, a to do list, and a guilty conscience. What we didn’t have was time to slow down.

Luckily, before things escalated to a point of no return, one of our staff members noticed our zombie kids were slowing down. They rose a little later each day, found a cool spot to nap each afternoon, and spent less time walking around aimlessly and more time sitting pensively in the hot, still air. The heat not only sapped their ambition to walk constantly, it also tempered their aggression. Some of the z kids who had been on restrictions due to their unpredictabile behavior, now became as placid and even-tempered as our most well-behaved kids. Even meal time, which sometimes caused a volcanic explosion of kids rushing the serving tables, took on a more languid pace. After we discussed the changes at a staff meeting, we all pledged to follow the example being set for us and take things a little slower.

Since we started, the petty annoyances and unfinished to-do lists seem less important. We start the day with a leisurely breakfast and chat over several cups of coffee before heading out to the day’s chores. We take frequent rests, keep hydrated, and savor the feel of the lake breezes. The change in the zombie kids has meant we don’t need to suit up in anti-bite attire as often and we’ve all become comfortable in flip-flops, light shorts, and thin cotton t-shirts. It’s not unusual to find a staff member enjoying a late afternoon nap in the hammocks we’ve strung along the shoreline or reclining on the sandy beach reading a book.

Our project continues to move forward, only it is not at the breakneck pace our New England Puritan forefathers kept. Instead we’re learning the ways of our new homeland and slowly adapting to the most welcome change of pace. Once again, our zombie children led the way and we followed.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off for some sweet tea.

Sincerely,

Your friends at the Zombie Emergency Relief Organization

Zombie Children Coming To Your Town (Maybe)

lake keowee

lake keowee (Photo credit: zen) Still keeping our exact location a secret, but it’s in this general vicinity.

The Zombie Emergency Response Organization (ZERO) is  proud to announce we’re opening a second sanctuary for zombie children in beautiful upstate South Carolina. Though the majority of our residents are from New England and Canada, there are an increasing number of referrals from Florida, Georgia, North and South Carolina.  Part of our mission includes keeping the families of these children, when we can identify them, involved in their child’s life.  Our New England location, convenient to several major interstates, is convenient for northern families and facilitates their ability to visit and spend time with their zombie kids.  Unfortunately the rising cost of airfare and gas has robbed many southern families of the means to visit their children more than once or twice a year.  We’ve tried to fill the need with chartered buses and allowing families to travel by our Underground Railroad system, but these methods proved to be too much of a security risk and we’ve had to discontinue them.

When we surveyed the country to see what resources were available to zombie children we found that the West Coast zombie children have been embraced by Scientology. The Southwest protects their zombies on Indian Reservations. The Midwest, Alaska, and Hawaii steadfastly maintain they have no zombie children within their border.  The only area without a zombie plan is the South. This information led to our decision to open  a new sanctuary on Lake Keowee in South Carolina to accommodate zombie children from Southern states.

Lake Keowee, a manmade lake constructed by Duke Energy, offers several large islands as well as secluded, non-developed coves that are capable of keeping our children physically segregated and secure. The temperate weather will save our organization the high cost of New England fuel. The low taxes will free up money for additional staff members and plant improvements. The famed hospitality of South Carolinian‘s will prevent the occasional stand-off that takes place in New Hampshire between local residents and lost family members.

Our initial plans include a fifty-bed housing unit as well as ten lakeside cabins for visiting family. We’ve already received our permits and are putting up fences and pouring concrete. Our projected opening date is September 2013 and we’ll be accepting applications and referrals starting June 13, 2013.

Remember, we feed the zombie kids so you won’t have to.

Zombie Emergency Relief Organization