The Zombie Underground Railroad

Melbourne Zombie Shuffle

Melbourne Zombie Shuffle (Photo credit: Wikipedia)


After Anderson Cooper’s explosive piece on the Zombie Underground Railroad, the ZERO organization expected a lot of publicity and questions. Unfortunately, due to the upcoming Presidential election, the story has been buried. Even so,  rumors and falsehoods  have been circulating on the internet concerning this matter. Because of this, I’ve contacted the leader of the East Coast Zombie Underground Railroad (ECZURR) who has agreed to go on the record for a tell-all, in-depth interview to clear up the misconceptions about this project.


Interviewer: Thank you for agreeing to this interview, Mr. X. First, could you tell us a little about the Zombie Underground Railroad.


Mr. X (ECZU Leader): The Zombie Underground Railroad was formed a year after the Infection first appeared with a single mission in mind: Relocate the zombie children to a place where they can safely exist. Night after night like-minded people watched in horror as the news coverage showed small zombie children being shot, dragged behind cars, even burnt alive. The vicious hatred and violence against these children who had done nothing wrong sickened us. We had to act.


Interviewer: How many zombie children do you transport annually?


Mr. X: By our estimates, over 50,000 zombie children have been relocated through our efforts.  Since the Infection has been controlled, our numbers have lessened, but we still find pockets of zombie children that need help.


Interviewer: And the railroad itself, how did you set it up?


Mr. X: We used dog rescue societies as our template. They’d already set up systems to transport dogs with routes that spanned from Texas up to Maine and Washington state. The majority of their transport was done by private drivers and financed by private donations. Instead of reinventing the wheel, we ripped off their design and made it our own.


Interviewer: How is your design the same and how is it different?


Mr. X (chuckles): Well, obviously our cages are much bigger so we have to use trucks and vans for transport. More in gas costs, but less dangerous to the drivers.  We also have limited areas we can let the zombie children out for convenience breaks. I mean, pulling off I-91 and letting four or five zombie children out to stretch their limbs would probably cause quite the commotion.


Interviewer: Yes, it would.


Mr. X: We’re the same in that we use volunteers and private donations.  Of course, we have to keep our routes secret, a problem the dog rescue people don’t have.


Interviewer: Why the secrecy?


Mr. X: It’s well-known that in the early stages of the Infection, gun laws were essentially abolished and Stand and Defend Laws sprung up in every state. Though this made sense when humanity was being attacked on a grand scale by the zombie hordes, as the infection died down and things changed, we expected  changes that haven’t materialized. It’s still the Wild West out there and the People for Ethical Treatment of Zombies has joined forced with ZERO to fight back in Congress. The Ethical Gun Law, which makes it a misdemeanor to kill a zombie under age 17 unless it is a life or limb threatening attack,  has left committee and is highly supported by congressmen in Vermont, California, and Connecticut. Still, until there is a reining in of the zombie vigilantes and anti-zombie militia, our volunteers, and the zombie children, are in danger.


Interviewer: Does the anti-zombie militia look at your organization as an easy target?


Mr. X: Maybe in the past, but we now require our volunteers to carry firearms for personal protection. As some militia members have found out recently, our Zombie Underground stations are  heavily guarded and fortified.  Take us lightly at your own risk.


Interviewer: What got you involved with the Zombie Underground.


Mr. X: Like many others, the Infection took a personal toll.  Two months into the Infection, my daughter turned. One minute she was a happy, free-spirited 8-year-old, the next minute she ate her grandmother.


Interviewer: Tragic.

Mr. X: Don’t feel sorry for me, feel for the zombie children who don’t know where they might rest their weary, decomposing heads tonight. The ones who don’t know where their next meal is coming from. Remember, ZERO feeds the zombies so you won’t have to.

Interviewer:  And that concludes our interview with Mr. X, leader of the East Coast Zombie Underground Railroad. He has graciously agreed to answer any questions in the comments section.