Canada, We Stand On Guard for You (And Your Orphaned Zombie Children)

national Flag of Canada

national Flag of Canada (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

While reading the news last week we realized that, in spite of our commitment to helping orphaned zombie children, we’d not taken into account our proximity to Canada and formally offered haven for Canadian zombie children.  This misstep on our part almost escalated into an international incident when a Canadian Member of Parliament asked whether Canada was working with the United States to develop an international zombie strategy. Disappointingly, the Canadian Minister of Foreign Affairs answered, “Canada will never become a safe haven for zombies, ever!”

Well, we’d like to officially offer our child-sized zombie haven services to Canada.


Sanctuary (Photo credit: joeldinda)

Since our sanctuary is in New England and an easy two-hour jaunt to the Canadian border, it only seems neighborly to take in Canada’s orphaned zombies if they will not.  As the Statue of Liberty proclaims:

Inscription Statue of Liberty

By offering our services to Canada, free of charge, we honor not only our values as a country, but our values as an organization. Every child deserves a safe, caring, compassionate home where they are loved and valued, zombie or not. No zombie child should be left to fend for themselves or to be hunted like an animal.  We will take Canada’s unwanted zombie kids in gratitude for all Canada has given to us.

Their view of Niagara Falls.

Canadian Niagara Falls

Their well kept and abundant farmlands. Their clean and easy to navigate subway system.

Toronto Transit Commission 'Montrealer' subway car

Toronto Transit Commission ‘Montrealer’ subway car (Photo credit: bradley.obrien)

Their friendly, hard-working people.  Donald Sutherland, Alanis Morrisette, William Shatner, Celine Dion, Michael Buble, Avril Lavigne, and Justin Bieber are just a few of the talented Canadians that have brightened and enlightened the lives of United States citizens.

Justin Bieber at 2010 MTV Video Music Awards.

Justin Bieber at 2010 MTV Video Music Awards. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Their Canadian Bacon, both the movie starring John Candy and Alan Alda and the breakfast meat recommended by the South Beach Diet, serves as either an evening of laughter or a well-balanced breakfast.

canadian bacon

These are only a few of the things we love about Canada and we’re happy to open our safe haven for zombie children to our Northern neighbors in partial repayment of all they do for the United States. We are in the process of making an official notification to the Canadian Parliament and Prime Minister to reassure them that we have Canada’s back in this matter. To steal a line from the Canadian national anthem, O Canada, the Zombie Emergency Relief Organization stands on guard for thee.  It’s only fair.

The Zombie Emergency Relief Organization – We feed the zombies so you don’t have to.

Wednesday’s Child

Zombie Walk 2010-9442

Zombie Walk 2010-9442 (Photo credit: Ping Foo)

On Wednesday we focus on a single zombie child to help people understand that they are children first and zombies second. The Great Infection did not discriminate when it chose its victims and many of the victims were innocent children. This is the story of one of them.
Sophia, a 16 year old girl, was found shuffling the back streets and alleys of rural Vermont. Because of her short stature, 5 feet even, and slight build, 85 pounds, Sophia was able to hide in dumpsters, discarded cardboard boxes, and ditches. She carried no identification and had no tattoos or scars to distinguish her from the thousands of other children who were left orphans after the Great Zombie Purge. Upon containment the local authorities were unable to identify her. No great effort was made to find her family as, at first, the town’s zero tolerance policy for zombies meant Sophia was slated for extermination. Luckily, a kind woman referred Sophia to our facility and we were able to travel to Vermont and negotiate her release.
When she arrived at our haven, Sophia was fearful, easily provoked and ravenous: all indicators to the Z Team that she had been feral for some time. Even so, our team uploaded Sophia’s picture to our website and the website of other organizations seeking to reunite feral zombies with their families. Sophie’s paternal grandfather, Chip, saw one of the pictures and instantly recognized his granddaughter.  His story was too familiar. Sophia had been infected with her parents over five years ago and though he’d traveled extensively attempting to find them, each sighting led to a dead-end. He despaired of every seeing his family again.
When he heard news of Sophia’s capture, Chip flew from his and her hometown in Oregon to the haven to be reunited. No one knows the details of the perilous cross-country walk that Sophia endured, but Chip was able to piece together that Sophia’s parents were killed during the Utah Uprising. Chip didn’t have all the details, but he knew Sophia voyaged more than two thousand miles on her journey to the East Coast. The trip wasn’t easy. Though she found some zombie sympathizers, for the majority of the time she walked alone.
Upon Sophia’s arrival at the haven, she required major cosmetic repair. The weather and rough conditions had left her skin cut and bleeding. A fight along the way had left her missing a small part of her scalp and a few toes. Our medical team sprang into action and repaired her body. Intense behavioral retraining helped Sophia adjust to her new reality and she became one of our most dependable, friendly zombie children. She no longer eats human flesh, attacks passersby, or moans constantly. Through our organization’s retraining and equipment, Sophia has transitioned from a moaning shambler to an adventurous leader who is active in our community.
Her grandfather, Chip, visits the ranch as often as possible and brags to his friends about his granddaughter Sophia, the cross-country shuffler.  He hopes that someday medicine will find a cure for the Infection, but until that time he is happy that Sophia is in a safe, secure facility living a fulfilling life.