Zombie Children Coming To Your Town (Maybe)

lake keowee

lake keowee (Photo credit: zen) Still keeping our exact location a secret, but it’s in this general vicinity.

The Zombie Emergency Response Organization (ZERO) is  proud to announce we’re opening a second sanctuary for zombie children in beautiful upstate South Carolina. Though the majority of our residents are from New England and Canada, there are an increasing number of referrals from Florida, Georgia, North and South Carolina.  Part of our mission includes keeping the families of these children, when we can identify them, involved in their child’s life.  Our New England location, convenient to several major interstates, is convenient for northern families and facilitates their ability to visit and spend time with their zombie kids.  Unfortunately the rising cost of airfare and gas has robbed many southern families of the means to visit their children more than once or twice a year.  We’ve tried to fill the need with chartered buses and allowing families to travel by our Underground Railroad system, but these methods proved to be too much of a security risk and we’ve had to discontinue them.

When we surveyed the country to see what resources were available to zombie children we found that the West Coast zombie children have been embraced by Scientology. The Southwest protects their zombies on Indian Reservations. The Midwest, Alaska, and Hawaii steadfastly maintain they have no zombie children within their border.  The only area without a zombie plan is the South. This information led to our decision to open  a new sanctuary on Lake Keowee in South Carolina to accommodate zombie children from Southern states.

Lake Keowee, a manmade lake constructed by Duke Energy, offers several large islands as well as secluded, non-developed coves that are capable of keeping our children physically segregated and secure. The temperate weather will save our organization the high cost of New England fuel. The low taxes will free up money for additional staff members and plant improvements. The famed hospitality of South Carolinian‘s will prevent the occasional stand-off that takes place in New Hampshire between local residents and lost family members.

Our initial plans include a fifty-bed housing unit as well as ten lakeside cabins for visiting family. We’ve already received our permits and are putting up fences and pouring concrete. Our projected opening date is September 2013 and we’ll be accepting applications and referrals starting June 13, 2013.

Remember, we feed the zombie kids so you won’t have to.

Zombie Emergency Relief Organization


Zombie Children: Not for Sale or Rent

A kind of caution sign.

A kind of caution sign. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)




Since the Great Infection, aka mini zombie apocalypse, the Zombie Emergency Relief Organization has served as a clearinghouse for information on zombie children and a research lab of sorts. Our mission, providing caring, humane housing for orphaned zombie kids, has always focused on the needs of the children, rather than the needs of society. Some of our decisions, such as to feed the children cow’s brains, indirectly benefit humankind, in this case by diverting potentially Mad Cow infected matter from the human food stream. Other decisions, including our efforts to someday become a restraint-free facility, are of benefit only to our charges.


Our research activities have focused primarily on observing and recording zombie behavior. The dream that one day zombies and humans can co-exist will only occur if we find a way to stop zombies from eating human brains and a way to stop humans from killing zombies. Understanding the basics of how zombies exist and think brings us closer to this dream. Though there are organizations that have offered us money to, for example, test pharmaceuticals on our children or experiment to find the most efficient ways to kill them, it is easy to resist the lure of easy money when one is trying to change the world.


Recently, internet forums have buzzed with rumors that the Zombie Emergency Relief Organization is now in the business of renting and selling zombie children. E-bay auctions, featuring some of our better known children such as Smiling Jack and Valentina, have sprung up overnight with bidding going into the thousands of dollars. Other sites purport to sell our zombies by the pound, with the going price of zombies only slightly more expensive than Maine lobster. Conspiracy theorists accuse us of using the children for pharmaceutical research and show doctored photos of zombie kids that have died from experiments gone bad.


None of this is true.


Due to security, we can’t throw open the doors to our sanctuary and show people these are lies. We can install webcams to prove our children are well fed, treated with love, and not used as lab animals or sold as livestock. Hopefully these will be up and running by next week and the rumor mongers and zombie haters will, once again, have to turn their vicious lies elsewhere.


With great sadness tonight, we ask you to remember that we feed the zombie children so you won’t have to.


Zombie Emergency Relief Organization


Wednesday’s Child: Luigi, Toddler Terror

The Zombie Emergency Relief Organization dedicates this space to one special child each Wednesday to help people look past the zombie form and see the child within. None of our zombie kids asked to be zombified. In most cases they were bit by those they loved the most, fathers, mothers, brothers, and sisters, who succumbed to the disease and then spread it. Others were the victims of contamination at Cratchit Nutraceuticals, a company that made pituitary-derived human growth hormone. Seeking only to be as tall as their classmates, their hopes were dashed when they became flesh-eating monsters.

Zombie Walk in Edmonton

Zombie Walk in Edmonton (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The second wave of zombies, those bitten by siblings, include remarkably few infants and toddlers. Strange, in that infants and toddlers are less able to escape when attacked and they have over-sized heads, presumably making them a more attractive zombie target. For some reason, though, the number of surviving zombie toddlers is miniscule. In fact, Luigi is the only toddler at our facility.

Pittsburgh Zombie Walk 2011 - 95

Pittsburgh Zombie Walk 2011 – 95 (Photo credit: cory.cousins)

Luigi, our best guess puts him at eighteen months, was left at a Safe Haven drop off site at a local firehouse. Imagine the surprise of the firefighters, when they returned from fighting a 5 alarm fire and found a 3 foot tall, 30 pound infant flailing about in a large, duct-taped box. Actually, the firefighters were first surprised to find a large, reinforced box blocking their doorway. They were startled when it began to rock back and forth and they realized something was inside. They were shocked when they opened it and saw the child, a small bucket of frogs next to him. The squirming legs of a frog dangled from his cupid bow lips.

Luckily, one of the firemen had seen a news report on our organization and he convinced his coworkers to turn the child over to us, instead of using a fire ax on him. We’ve had several confirmed reports of Safe Haven sites executing zombie children dropped on their doorstep.

We wish we could say we’ve successfully acclimated Luigi to our facility, but we feel compelled to share the truth about our charges. Raising a zombie toddler is hard work. Luigi has not developed past the mental capacity of an 18 month old and that means he’s permanently stuck in the terrible twos. He can be stubborn.  Sometimes it takes three of our staff members to safely remove him from the common area when it is time for bed and he wants to stay up late. There is no sharing in his world and he covets every shiny thing he sees. When denied, he melts down into temper tantrums. Though hitting and biting is expected at his age, the transmission potential of zombie virus is high. Our staff members must wear full padding and face masks whenever they are within hand or mouth reach of Luigi.


English: (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Normal toddler coping behaviors, such as thumb-sucking or hair twirling, aren’t possible due to Luigi’s chronic decomposition. This leads to increased tantrums and physical acting out. Working with Luigi is a high stress job, as nerve-racking as working for a bomb disposal unit. It’s also as dangerous.

Imagine the destructive nature of a toddler with a deadly bite and you can understand the reasons we treat Luigi as we do. Luigi is denied hugs and other physical signs of affection. He isn’t allowed to participate in group activities. Our physicians don’t believe he will ever grow past this stage, physically or emotionally. Though we try to give him as normal life as we can, we realize many would find his isolation and treatment barbaric. All we can do is try to keep everyone safe.

On that somber note, we remind you that we feed the zombie children so you won’t have to.

Zombie Emergency Relief Organization

Canada Says No to Zombies While England Prepares for the Undead

“Keep Calm and Avoid the Undead,” the English government warns in a new video explaining the aftermath of an event they call “The Rising.” This event has resulted in a zombie infestation in  parts of England. Much as the Zombie Emergency Relief Organization would like to help our neighbors across the pond, the logistics of moving zombie children via boat or airplane across the Atlantic Ocean is more than our finances and current infrastructure can support.

After numerous brainstorming sessions, we’ve committed to sending five of our most experienced zombie child wranglers to England to aid in the capture and rehabilitation of the English zombie children. We’ve assurances from the highest levels of the British government that they, too, our committed to preventing the slaughter of innocent zombie children and they have arranged a secure facility to house them.

England’s quick response to the Rising, complete with television and print ads supplemented by phone calls, is in stark contrast to America‘s response when faced with the Great Infection. Unfortunately, our country first ignored the problem, then attempted to cover it up by indiscriminately killing all of the infected.  By going public at the outset, England will be able to stop a secondary wave of infection and save countless lives. We salute their bold, public strategy.

There are those cynical few who believe the protection of English zombie children is only a temporary move, designed to purge the country of cow brains and, possibly, horse meat that was mislabeled and fed to humans. In truth, England is taking the lessons learned from their unfortunate brush with mad cow disease and trying a different tack. England’s initial response to mad cow disease was to deny the problem and downplay the potential cost to human life. This strategy led to continued exposure and deaths.  Since then, their government has more readily responded to scientific advice and exchanged secrecy for transparency at the first hint of a problem involving public health. All of these attributes are clearly displayed in the government’s new video.


Other countries will be well advised to watch England’s response and, in case of a similar event in their country, be prepared to follow England’s lead.

As always, we ask you to remember that we feed the zombie kids so you won’t have to. We look forward to doing it in two countries.

Zombie Emergency Relief Organization

Wednesday’s Child: A Canadian Zombie Child in New England

Since our humanitarian gesture to Canada last week, the Zombie Emergency Relief Organization’s phone and fax lines have been ringing off the hook. Thousands of Americans have called to voice their agreement with our decision to offer a home for Canada’s unwanted zombie children.  A smaller, yet very vocal group of Canadian’s have expressed their appreciation for this opportunity. Along with this deluge of good wishes, we’ve also received some lovely gifts and ideas from Canadian citizens to help transition the first Canadian zombie child into our facility.

WENDY'S RESTAURANTS OF CANADA - Oh Poutine! Grab your forks

In the spirit of learning more about Canada, our staff members have prepared classic Canadian dishes, such as poutine, a combination of french fries, gravy and cheese curds, and tourtiere, a delectable meat pie composed of pork, veal, chuck, potatoes and seasonings. Yummy.

They’ve dusted off textbooks and are practicing their French. They are listening to Canadian radio stations and watching streaming video of Canadian TV shows.

kids in the hall

Most of all, they’re excitedly awaiting the arrival of our first Canadian zombie child! We received word yesterday that a child had been found wandering at the Oratory of Saint Joseph in Montreal.  At first, the child was believed to be hypothermic from spending the chilly overnight hours without warm clothing. It wasn’t until he was transported to a local hospital that the doctors realized he was pulseless and in a state of decomposition. Mindful of the recent furor, the hospital contacted the Public Health Agency to report their findings. The Minister of Public Health then contacted our agency to check that our offer of sanctuary was sincere and work out the logistics.

As of this evening, we have made transportation arrangements and anticipate a border crossing in the wee hours of the morning. Barring bad weather or diplomatic conflict, the first Canadian zombie child should be here by 9 a.m. tomorrow.  We will be spotlighting our Canadian import next week in our Wednesday’s Child post.

In the meantime, remember we feed the zombie children so you won’t have to, and now we do it in two languages.


Zombie Emergency  Relief Organization


Canada, We Stand On Guard for You (And Your Orphaned Zombie Children)

national Flag of Canada

national Flag of Canada (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

While reading the news last week we realized that, in spite of our commitment to helping orphaned zombie children, we’d not taken into account our proximity to Canada and formally offered haven for Canadian zombie children.  This misstep on our part almost escalated into an international incident when a Canadian Member of Parliament asked whether Canada was working with the United States to develop an international zombie strategy. Disappointingly, the Canadian Minister of Foreign Affairs answered, “Canada will never become a safe haven for zombies, ever!”

Well, we’d like to officially offer our child-sized zombie haven services to Canada.


Sanctuary (Photo credit: joeldinda)

Since our sanctuary is in New England and an easy two-hour jaunt to the Canadian border, it only seems neighborly to take in Canada’s orphaned zombies if they will not.  As the Statue of Liberty proclaims:

Inscription Statue of Liberty

By offering our services to Canada, free of charge, we honor not only our values as a country, but our values as an organization. Every child deserves a safe, caring, compassionate home where they are loved and valued, zombie or not. No zombie child should be left to fend for themselves or to be hunted like an animal.  We will take Canada’s unwanted zombie kids in gratitude for all Canada has given to us.

Their view of Niagara Falls.

Canadian Niagara Falls

Their well kept and abundant farmlands. Their clean and easy to navigate subway system.

Toronto Transit Commission 'Montrealer' subway car

Toronto Transit Commission ‘Montrealer’ subway car (Photo credit: bradley.obrien)

Their friendly, hard-working people.  Donald Sutherland, Alanis Morrisette, William Shatner, Celine Dion, Michael Buble, Avril Lavigne, and Justin Bieber are just a few of the talented Canadians that have brightened and enlightened the lives of United States citizens.

Justin Bieber at 2010 MTV Video Music Awards.

Justin Bieber at 2010 MTV Video Music Awards. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Their Canadian Bacon, both the movie starring John Candy and Alan Alda and the breakfast meat recommended by the South Beach Diet, serves as either an evening of laughter or a well-balanced breakfast.

canadian bacon

These are only a few of the things we love about Canada and we’re happy to open our safe haven for zombie children to our Northern neighbors in partial repayment of all they do for the United States. We are in the process of making an official notification to the Canadian Parliament and Prime Minister to reassure them that we have Canada’s back in this matter. To steal a line from the Canadian national anthem, O Canada, the Zombie Emergency Relief Organization stands on guard for thee.  It’s only fair.

The Zombie Emergency Relief Organization – We feed the zombies so you don’t have to.