You Have Questions, We Have Answers

Our mailbox overflows with questions from people curious about specific aspects of the Zombie Emergency Relief Organization. Today, we will answer some of those questions.

Question Mark Graffiti
Question Mark Graffiti (Photo credit: Bilal Kamoon)

From George in Idaho: Why do you feed the children cow brains and how many brains do you go through on a yearly basis?

Dennis,  please refer to this link: http://feedthezombiechildren.org/2012/10/30/i-feed-zombies-so-you-dont-have-to/ for the full story on how we came to our decision to use cow brains. As far as how many we go through on an annual basis, each full-grown cow brain is a little shy of 1 pound. Our nutritionists have carefully calculated that zombie children need approximately 1/2 pound of brain per day to keep them active and healthy. Therefore the amount of brains depends on how many children we have on-site. With 200 zombie kids, we need approximately 36,500 pounds annually or 16 1/2 metric tons.

From Caroline in Seattle: Are there any plans to make your zombie kid restraint devices available to the general public? It seems they would come in handy for people who are keeping their zombie kids at home.

Caroline, handling zombie children is best left to professionals. Our team of zombie happiness engineers work to ensure each restraint is as humane and pain-free as possible. Unfortunately we feel making them available to people without the proper training and support would only result in tragedy. On the advice of our legal team, there are no plans to market our devices.

Restraint Chairs
Restraint Chairs (Photo credit: j_bary)

Rex from the Florida Panhandle: In my area, many people die while waiting for organ transplants. Can’t the zombies be put to use for spare parts?

Rex, ethically we can’t condone using zombies as “spare parts.” Additionally, zombies exist in a chronic state of decomposition. Transplanting a zombie organ into a live human wouldn’t help the human as they’d now have a totally non-working organ which would hasten the death of the recipient.

English: Dr. Ehtuish Preforming An Organ Trans...
English: Dr. Ehtuish Preforming An Organ Transplant. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Scott from Cincinnati: Are there any plans to open up your zombie preserve for hunting opportunities?

Scott, if you can look at the faces of our kids and want to shoot them, there is too much wrong with you to address in this post. Please contact a mental health professional and get the help you so desperately need.

Delilah from New Hampshire: I’ve heard airlines are planning a rule change to prohibit transport of zombies. Are you opening up additional havens for zombie kids in the Midwest and West Coast?

Deliliah, we’ve been in contact with airline executives about this troubling rule change. Our preferred method of transport is through our underground zombie railroad (read the post at http://feedthezombiechildren.org/2012/10/15/the-zombie-underground-railroad/), but in some cases we’ve been forced to rely on air transport. Currently we can fly zombie kids in hardcover golf club cases as checked baggage for a reasonable fee. If this practice is stopped, it will negatively impact our ability to take zombie kids from the West Coast. Though we have no plans to open any additional facilities, we’ve recently added a Washington lobbyist to our staff and hope he can resolve this issue to our satisfaction.

Carousel 4
Carousel 4 (Photo credit: gloom)

Sandra from South Carolina: I’ve heard that zombies eat fire ants. Can I rent a zombie to make my yard a fire ant-free zone?

Sandra, yes, we have discovered that zombie are naturally attracted to fire ant nests. Researchers at our preserve estimate one zombie can clear a half-acre of fire ant nests in one day. Currently we are sponsoring a study to find out why zombies are impervious to the bites and venom of fire ants.  As far as renting a zombie to clean your yard of fire ants, the answer is no. These are children, decomposing children, but children nonetheless. We do not rent them out.

And our last question is from Jacques in Montreal: Since your move to South Carolina, have you noticed the warmer weather hastens the children’s decomposition or retards it?

Excellent question, Jacques. Our patented brining process keeps our zombie children in good shape by preserving, or curing, their skin. Unfortunately proper curing must take place in a narrow temperature range to be effective. Too cold or too warm will result in improperly cured skin and lead to quicker decomposition. We’ve adjusted by creating a curing room which is kept at a steady 38 degrees and holds ten children. Ask for a tour next time you visit our zombie habitat!

Do you have a question? Send it to us at feedthezombiechildren@gmail. com for an answer. Remember, we feed the zombie kids so you won’t have to.

Zombie Emergency Rescue Organization

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Five Ways to Raise Your Zombie Child at Home Without Alarming the Neighbors

Set free by parents who couldn't control him or an escapee from a poorly reinforced safe room? Either way, he is now at the mercy of whoever finds him.

Set free by parents who couldn’t control him or an escapee from a poorly reinforced safe room? Either way, he’s now at the mercy of whoever finds him.

So you want to keep your zombie child at home, but you don’t want the neighbors defacing your house with graffiti or attempting to burn it down with your zombie child inside? Follow these five simple steps to keep your child at home without alarming the neighbors.

1. Order your reinforcing supplies from multiple, out of area, online vendors.

If the Home Depot truck pulls up and starts offloading chicken wire, steel window bars, and acoustic tiles for soundproofing, some nosy Gladys Kravitz type will be on the phone to the neighborhood watch before the supplies cross your threshold. Order your supplies online and all your neighbors will know is that you’re getting a lot of packages.  If they do question the deliveries, make vague comments about Rottweiler puppies, precious metals, or strange sexual practices and let your neighbor fill in the blanks.

An alarm on the outside of the bedroom door guarantees you'll be warned if the inner security is breached.

An alarm on the outside of the bedroom door guarantees you’ll be warned if the inner security is breached.

2. Buy your brains from vendors that disguise the package.

If you purchase brains at the butcher, expect a visit from curious neighbors or the police. No one in their right mind eats them, so buying them marks you as either insane or as someone harboring a zombie. Cow-Brains-R-Us packs their brains in triple layer, leak-proof containers and marks their insulated boxes as prescription drugs. You can choose to pass off the boxes as deliveries of insulin, birth control rings, or glaucoma eye drops – all items needing refrigeration. And, since the brains are fresh frozen and vacuum sealed, they smell good, too.

zombie apocalypse, cow brains, ZERO

The days of walking down the street with a bucket of cow brains are long gone if you don’t want your home overrun by an angry mob.

3. Clean up inside.

Zombie kids are messy. Clumps of blood, hair, stray fingers and toes can make a mess of their clothing and smear all over your protective gear. Taking your helmet with face mask outside to hose it off will attract the neighborhood dogs and cats and get tongues wagging. Install a large industrial sink and indoor clothes line in a walled off part of your cellar to keep things clean, hygienic, and private.

Preventing accidental bites starts with the right protective gear. Don't forget to protect the neck.

Preventing accidental bites starts with the right protective gear. Don’t forget to protect the neck.

4. Plan trips out of the house under cover of night or costume.

Nothing alarms a neighbor more than looking out the window and seeing a muzzled zombie kid on the end of a hook. If you can’t wait until a moonless night to move your child, some proven techniques include placing the zombie kid’s head through the rungs of a ladder and resting it on their shoulders while you do the same. Onlookers will see two people carrying a ladder. You can also set up a catch stick on the middle of a kayak or canoe and have the zombie kid’s head inside the middle of the boat while you and another adult carry the front and back. Add authenticity by bragging about your midnight fish haul!

Mount one of these on the bottom of a ladder or kayak for a quick disguise when you need to get your kid out of the house.

Mount one of these on the bottom of a ladder or kayak for a quick disguise when you need to get your kid out of the house.

5. Decorate your house with anti zombie propaganda.

Yes, it’s hard when your loved one is a zombie to jump on the hate bandwagon, but it’s easy enough to keep the propaganda out of your house and away from your child. Try small, discreet yard signs near your shrubs, license plate holders, and small window decals to proclaim your hatred of all things zombie. Occasionally hinting that a neighbor is acting suspiciously also keeps the focus off you. If anyone should question you, racking a large shotgun while proclaiming you’d kill your mother if she turned into a zombie is usually enough to deter even the most annoying neighbors.

Even if it's a replica, the crisp realistic sound of a shotgun being loaded gets attention.

Even if it’s a replica, the crisp realistic sound of a shotgun being loaded gets attention.

Following these steps will make it less likely your secret is discovered, but the only guaranteed method to keep your child safe is to enroll them in a certified zombie preserve, such as the one we operate at Lake Keowee. Our preserve has all the safety and security features of a Supermax prison combined with the warmth and coziness of home. If nosy neighbors threaten your child, give the Zombie Emergency Relief Organization a call.

Remember, we feed the zombie children so you won’t have to.

At Night, I Dream of Escape

This morning, I sip my coffee on the shores of Lake Keowee with a heavy heart. Powered by an internet video that purports to be the thoughts of a zombie child, a movement to euthanize zombie children has spread across our country like a  fast-moving plague. The Zombie Emergency Relief Organization’s site has been deluged with plaintive pleas to exterminate the children we have pledged to protect.

Last night, our New Hampshire headquarters was infiltrated by a member of an extremist group who claim zombie children deserve to be “released from their diseased bodies.” This group, Citizens for the Responsibility and Protection of Zombies, has taken to the airwaves and internet to demand the execution of every zombie as a humanitarian gesture. Even though they didn’t access the grounds of our zombie sanctuary, they did compromise our computer system and, to the best of our knowledge so far, managed to steal our donor list and blue prints for both of our facilities. As I write this, we have increased our security level to DEFCON 2, effectively sealing off both of our New Hampshire and Lake Keowee zombie preserves to anyone except security-clearance Alpha staff.  No family members, outside vendors, donors, or visiting professionals will be admitted to our facility until further notice. We are saddened to resort to these measures, but we must safeguard our zombie children.

After much soul-searching, I have decided not to post the video that has spawned this controversy on our website. It is an inflammatory mix of haunting music, disturbing images, and a voice-over that, quite frankly, breaks my heart. Instead I will provide a text-only version for our readers. As you read this, remember that this communication was allegedly transmitted to an interpreter through a combination of grunts and eye blinking. The 16 year old zombie girl featured in the video did not speak these words aloud or write these words down. This is an interpretation.

Transcript of video titled: At Night, We Dream of Escape

“Two years ago, I was taken from the world of the living and plunged into the world of the shambling. I became a zombie. I saw the fear in my parent’s eyes when they realized what I had become and I tried to tell them that I still lived within this decomposing body, but the words didn’t come. They put bars on the windows of my bedroom and pushed rotten meat in through a slot in the door. Otherwise, my room remained the same. They left the pink canopy bed and the rows of trophies that lined my bookcases. My closet hung full of clothes: the pale yellow, off-shoulder dress I wore to my eighth grade graduation dance, the burgundy gown from my aunt’s wedding, the uniform I wore to Catholic school. My drawers bulged with clothes: competition swimsuits, t-shirts from meets, my first bra. Nothing changed in my room, except me.

Time had no meaning for me in this room. No favorite T.V. shows to watch. No classes to attend. No family nights out for dinner, mini golf, and ice cream. The sun rose and set. The seasons changed from bright green foliage filled with the sounds of birds to a cold, white wasteland, the only sound the howling of the wind. I heard sounds outside my room, but the singing of happy birthday, Christmas carols, and the Star Spangled Banner didn’t include me. I was held captive in the room and ignored, except when the food slot opened and my mother or father hurriedly push3e the meat through as they looked the other way.

My neighbors came for me. Loud, angry voices that echoed outside our house. Bring out the monster, they called. But, my parents would not give me up. Shortly after that, my parents put me in a van and drove me deep into the woods and turned me loose.

When I was discovered, the locals took pity on me and built a dirt-floored hut to contain me. They tried in various ways to communicate with me, and finally they did. They asked if I had something I’d like to say to my parents and I do.

At night, I dream of escape. Escape from this life. Why didn’t you kill me, mom and dad, instead of leaving me in this shell of a body that rots a little bit every day? When I was born, you promised to care for me and put my needs first. Now that I’m a flesh-eating monster, because, yes, though I eat raw meat I crave human flesh and would gladly rip you to pieces and eat you if given the chance, why keep me alive in this torment? Every day I watch the world I used to live in slip further and further away. The grace and speed that won six state swim championships has been replaced by a staggering, lurching walk. Huge chunks of my hair have fallen out, strips of flesh are missing from my face, and my nose, the family nose dad always said, is only a gaping hole. I peer into my water bowl and see the destruction and if I could, I would cry.

I know you think keeping me alive is the right thing to do, but it is not. I speak for all of my zombie brothers and sisters when I tell you this, at night, we dream of escape. We dream of death. Help us.” End of Transcript.

We will provide additional information as it becomes available, but in the meantime ask you to continue to support the zombie children and the Zombie Emergency Relief Organization as we set out to prove that this communication is nothing but a scam.

Sincerely,

Renee Maynes, Chief Medical Officer, Zombie Emergency Relief Organization

Moving and Changing

English: A part of Lake Keowee, in South Carolina.

English: A part of Lake Keowee, in South Carolina. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Well, it’s been a while since we’ve updated and we put the blame squarely on our move to South Carolina. Don’t get us wrong, South Carolina is beautiful, the people friendly, and the food delicious. We just had a difficult time adjusting to the Southern way of  life.

Our original plan to build our sanctuary at Lake Keowee called for erecting large, air-conditioned tents, and focusing our stick-built efforts on the kitchen area and intake center. The tents went up fine, a traveling circus crew and local catering company quickly erected five large tents that comfortably fit twenty-five zombie children each. The installation of air conditioning was another story.

It’s not that the zombie kids need air conditioning. They’re pretty resilient to extremes of temperature. Only prolonged subzero weather causes them to freeze up into a state we call “zombisicles.” Once defrosted, they function without any loss of movement, only needing a little stitching to tighten up the areas that expand when frozen. Extreme heat, we theorized, might cause their decomposition to accelerate. Air conditioning was a strategy to prevent that possibility.

Unfortunately, our air conditioning contractors decided that the current weather (hazy, hot, and humid with intermittent thunderstorms) was more amenable to fishing and story telling. They would come by each day, do a little work, and then head off to the lake to cool down. Said cooling down taking the majority of the day. As the temperature in the tents skyrocketed, so did our impatience to have air conditioning. We had a timeline, a to do list, and a guilty conscience. What we didn’t have was time to slow down.

Luckily, before things escalated to a point of no return, one of our staff members noticed our zombie kids were slowing down. They rose a little later each day, found a cool spot to nap each afternoon, and spent less time walking around aimlessly and more time sitting pensively in the hot, still air. The heat not only sapped their ambition to walk constantly, it also tempered their aggression. Some of the z kids who had been on restrictions due to their unpredictabile behavior, now became as placid and even-tempered as our most well-behaved kids. Even meal time, which sometimes caused a volcanic explosion of kids rushing the serving tables, took on a more languid pace. After we discussed the changes at a staff meeting, we all pledged to follow the example being set for us and take things a little slower.

Since we started, the petty annoyances and unfinished to-do lists seem less important. We start the day with a leisurely breakfast and chat over several cups of coffee before heading out to the day’s chores. We take frequent rests, keep hydrated, and savor the feel of the lake breezes. The change in the zombie kids has meant we don’t need to suit up in anti-bite attire as often and we’ve all become comfortable in flip-flops, light shorts, and thin cotton t-shirts. It’s not unusual to find a staff member enjoying a late afternoon nap in the hammocks we’ve strung along the shoreline or reclining on the sandy beach reading a book.

Our project continues to move forward, only it is not at the breakneck pace our New England Puritan forefathers kept. Instead we’re learning the ways of our new homeland and slowly adapting to the most welcome change of pace. Once again, our zombie children led the way and we followed.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off for some sweet tea.

Sincerely,

Your friends at the Zombie Emergency Relief Organization

Free Stuff Sunday: Miss Burton’s Class

Starting with the plaintive plea “Is anyone out there?” Miss Burton’s Class is an ongoing journal by Miss Burton, a 5th grade teacher who finds herself trapped with a class full of students during the zombie apocalypse.

Miss Burton’s Class is imaginative, fun, and best of all free. Despite the student-centered storyline, this blog is squarely in the PG-13 category – emphasis on the gory. From the bathroom situation in the media room to the description of the undead, particularly the zombie nurse, Ms. Burton is not afraid to tell all the nasty details of what’s going on during the zombpoc.

Miss Burton has been cataloguing her experiences for over a year now. There’s a huge backlog of adventures to catch up on. If you want a hair-raising and scary zombie story, head over to Miss Burton’s Class for our Free Stuff Sunday pick of the week.

Wednesday’s Child: Love Among The Body Parts

Sometimes it’s hard to see the beauty in the work of the Zombie Emergency Research Organization. No matter how hard we try to preserve the integrity of the zombie kids, decomposition is a constant threat. Whenever I overwhelmed and discouraged, I know where to look to have my faith in our mission restored. I’d like to draw your attention to today’s Wednesday’s Children, Remi and Julia.

Wedding Dress For Happy Couple in Love

Wedding Dress For Happy Couple in Love (Photo credit: epSos.de) Remi and Julia will never realize their dreams of a white wedding, but they have each other, and that’s enough.

Remi and Julia were gangly 13 year olds when they met at a summer camp in the White Mountains. Remi, a Louisiana native, had recently moved to New Hampshire with his family.  His parents hoped camp would help him make friends before the school year began.  Julia, a native of the White Mountains, had never met anyone outside of New England and was fascinated by Remi’s southern accent and his tales of bayous and gators.  Remi fell in love with Julia’s quick wit and fly fishing skills. By the end of their first day together, they were inseparable. By the time 8th grade started, they were going steady.

couple

couple (Photo credit: zoetnet) From 8th grade through senior year, their love remained strong.

There are those who scoff at young love. Those who point to statistics and anecdotes and suggest that it’s impossible to find your soul mate at such an early age. Remi and Julia’s families and friends would beg to differ. As the years passed, the couple continued to be devoted to each other.  Not as teenagers who clung to each other out of weakness, but as mature young adults who cherished their relationship without feeling the need to exclude the rest of the world. They talked of marriage and children, but planned to wait until after college. He wanted to be a chef. She dreamed of being a lawyer. They spent the summer of their senior year as camp counselors at the camp they’d met at.

Late one night, long after everyone else had retired to their tents, Remi and Julia sat by the fire. Perhaps they sat quietly holding hands, or maybe they talked of college applications and SAT‘s.  In any case, the quiet night was interrupted by screams from a nearby tent of eight year olds. Remi and Julia ran to the tent and discovered one of the campers had underwent zombification. While Julia led the other campers to safety, Remi distracted the zombie child with loud movements. In the cramped confines of a tent illuminated only by flashlight, Remi probably never saw the canteen he tripped on. Sensing an opportunity, the zombie child flung himself on the ground atop Remi and bit his ear. Julia reentered the tent and pulled the ravenous zombie off Remi, suffering a bite to her arm in the process. Fearing a black bear attack, the camp director arrived with a loaded gun and fatally shot the zombie child before any more damage could be done.

Unfortunately it was too late for Remi and Julia.

Knowing their fate, the couple went off into the woods together one last time. One can only imagine how difficult it is to fit a lifetime of love into a few short hours, but if anyone could do it, this couple could.

By the time the New Hampshire State Zombie Troopers arrived, four hours had passed. The couple’s parents pleaded for them to be rehabilitated rather than shot on sight. The Troopers made no promises. There was no way of knowing where the couple was or what they might have done. The mood was grim.

Trooper Adam Labounty, a twenty year veteran of the New Hampshire State Police, told us about the encounter:

“My partner and I headed to a waterfall we’d heard the kids liked to hang out at. When we got there, the dark clouds that had been around all night blew off and the full moon glinted off the water. We saw the couple under a tall tree near the water’s edge. Their moans weren’t the usual zombie sounds.  They moaned in harmony, as if they were singing a sad hymn. The other sounds of the forest faded away and their voices grew louder. My partner turned to me with a funny look on his face and said, can you hear that. It took me a minute until I realized they were moaning words.”

Labounty shook his head as if he still couldn’t make sense of it. “They were moaning I love you to one another. I mean, they were zombies. There was no doubt they’d turned. But they were talking. We crept up to them, our equipment at the ready, but they didn’t try to escape. In fact, they moved closer together. And that’s when we saw they were holding hands.”

“Damnedest thing I ever saw. Two zombies holding hands, staring into each others eyes, moaning I love you.” He swiped at his eyes. “That wasn’t the strangest thing, though. They’d tied themselves to the tree, must have been before they turned. Never made a move at us. We stood there with our guns pointed, feeling like jack asses to be honest, and I looked at my partner and said, I’m not shooting them. He wouldn’t either. We secured them and turned them over to their parents.”

The parents dropped the couple off with us and if you ever get the opportunity to visit our sanctuary, you’ll see and hear Remi and Julia. Still holding hands, still moaning I love you, still trying to cram a lifetime of love into the time they have left.

True love can’t be stopped, even by the zombie virus.

Happy Wednesday from your friends at the Zombie Emergency Relief Organization.