This morning, I sip my coffee on the shores of Lake Keowee with a heavy heart. Powered by an internet video that purports to be the thoughts of a zombie child, a movement to euthanize zombie children has spread across our country like a fast-moving plague. The Zombie Emergency Relief Organization’s site has been deluged with plaintive pleas to exterminate the children we have pledged to protect.
Last night, our New Hampshire headquarters was infiltrated by a member of an extremist group who claim zombie children deserve to be “released from their diseased bodies.” This group, Citizens for the Responsibility and Protection of Zombies, has taken to the airwaves and internet to demand the execution of every zombie as a humanitarian gesture. Even though they didn’t access the grounds of our zombie sanctuary, they did compromise our computer system and, to the best of our knowledge so far, managed to steal our donor list and blue prints for both of our facilities. As I write this, we have increased our security level to DEFCON 2, effectively sealing off both of our New Hampshire and Lake Keowee zombie preserves to anyone except security-clearance Alpha staff. No family members, outside vendors, donors, or visiting professionals will be admitted to our facility until further notice. We are saddened to resort to these measures, but we must safeguard our zombie children.
After much soul-searching, I have decided not to post the video that has spawned this controversy on our website. It is an inflammatory mix of haunting music, disturbing images, and a voice-over that, quite frankly, breaks my heart. Instead I will provide a text-only version for our readers. As you read this, remember that this communication was allegedly transmitted to an interpreter through a combination of grunts and eye blinking. The 16 year old zombie girl featured in the video did not speak these words aloud or write these words down. This is an interpretation.
Transcript of video titled: At Night, We Dream of Escape
“Two years ago, I was taken from the world of the living and plunged into the world of the shambling. I became a zombie. I saw the fear in my parent’s eyes when they realized what I had become and I tried to tell them that I still lived within this decomposing body, but the words didn’t come. They put bars on the windows of my bedroom and pushed rotten meat in through a slot in the door. Otherwise, my room remained the same. They left the pink canopy bed and the rows of trophies that lined my bookcases. My closet hung full of clothes: the pale yellow, off-shoulder dress I wore to my eighth grade graduation dance, the burgundy gown from my aunt’s wedding, the uniform I wore to Catholic school. My drawers bulged with clothes: competition swimsuits, t-shirts from meets, my first bra. Nothing changed in my room, except me.
Time had no meaning for me in this room. No favorite T.V. shows to watch. No classes to attend. No family nights out for dinner, mini golf, and ice cream. The sun rose and set. The seasons changed from bright green foliage filled with the sounds of birds to a cold, white wasteland, the only sound the howling of the wind. I heard sounds outside my room, but the singing of happy birthday, Christmas carols, and the Star Spangled Banner didn’t include me. I was held captive in the room and ignored, except when the food slot opened and my mother or father hurriedly push3e the meat through as they looked the other way.
My neighbors came for me. Loud, angry voices that echoed outside our house. Bring out the monster, they called. But, my parents would not give me up. Shortly after that, my parents put me in a van and drove me deep into the woods and turned me loose.
When I was discovered, the locals took pity on me and built a dirt-floored hut to contain me. They tried in various ways to communicate with me, and finally they did. They asked if I had something I’d like to say to my parents and I do.
At night, I dream of escape. Escape from this life. Why didn’t you kill me, mom and dad, instead of leaving me in this shell of a body that rots a little bit every day? When I was born, you promised to care for me and put my needs first. Now that I’m a flesh-eating monster, because, yes, though I eat raw meat I crave human flesh and would gladly rip you to pieces and eat you if given the chance, why keep me alive in this torment? Every day I watch the world I used to live in slip further and further away. The grace and speed that won six state swim championships has been replaced by a staggering, lurching walk. Huge chunks of my hair have fallen out, strips of flesh are missing from my face, and my nose, the family nose dad always said, is only a gaping hole. I peer into my water bowl and see the destruction and if I could, I would cry.
I know you think keeping me alive is the right thing to do, but it is not. I speak for all of my zombie brothers and sisters when I tell you this, at night, we dream of escape. We dream of death. Help us.” End of Transcript.
We will provide additional information as it becomes available, but in the meantime ask you to continue to support the zombie children and the Zombie Emergency Relief Organization as we set out to prove that this communication is nothing but a scam.
Renee Maynes, Chief Medical Officer, Zombie Emergency Relief Organization