N.H. State Rep Comes Out in Support of Zombie Children


Contact: Zombie Emergency Relief Organization at feedthezombiechildren@gmail.com

http://feedthezombiechildren.org/                                         FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE


Concord, New Hampshire, 3/18/2012

New Hampshire House of Representative member, Haywood Jablome (Dem), announced today he will sponsor a bill to provide Health and Human Service Funding for the Zombie Emergency Relief Organization. This comes on the heels of Haywood’s unprecedented revelation that his thirteen year old son, Derek, is a zombie.

At an emotional press conference, with son Derek at his side, Haywood poured out his family‘s heartbreak. Derek, a short-statured middle school student, had been taking human growth hormone treatments (HGH) prescribed by a local physician. After the mini zombapocalypse the doctor advised stopping the shots due to the danger of infection with the zombie virus. For almost three years, Derek remained the smallest child in his class and suffered the daily humiliation and disappointment of being shorter than average. His family tried to provide positive experiences, such as enrolling him in a young jockey program, but Derek clung to his dream of making the middle school B basketball team. When Cratchit Pharmaceuticals reopened, under new management and strict FDA oversight, Derek begged to restart his HGH treatments. Haywood, and his wife Priscilla, grudgingly agreed.

Unfortunately, contaminated HGH product remained on the shelves at the local pharmacy and Derek’s first injection led to zombie virus infection.

In addition to a bill to provide state funding to our organization, Representative Haywood is also sponsoring “Derek’s Bill,” which will provide resources for the New Hampshire State Board of Pharmacy to inspect all N.H. pharmacies and remove contaminated HGH products.

The Zombie Emergency Relief Organization lauds Representative Haywood and his wife for going public with this news. Far too many parents of zombie children are embarrassed and ashamed of their child’s condition. Keeping the disease secret stigmatizes the infected and blocks efforts to find funding for research into a cure. Representative Haywood’s willingness to share his family’s pain will serve as a catalyst for other parents who are hiding their zombie children in closets, basements, and outbuildings. We can’t find a cure if we don’t acknowledge the problem.

A march on the State House, led by Representative Jablome, is planned for mid May.


Zombie Children: Not for Sale or Rent

A kind of caution sign.

A kind of caution sign. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)




Since the Great Infection, aka mini zombie apocalypse, the Zombie Emergency Relief Organization has served as a clearinghouse for information on zombie children and a research lab of sorts. Our mission, providing caring, humane housing for orphaned zombie kids, has always focused on the needs of the children, rather than the needs of society. Some of our decisions, such as to feed the children cow’s brains, indirectly benefit humankind, in this case by diverting potentially Mad Cow infected matter from the human food stream. Other decisions, including our efforts to someday become a restraint-free facility, are of benefit only to our charges.


Our research activities have focused primarily on observing and recording zombie behavior. The dream that one day zombies and humans can co-exist will only occur if we find a way to stop zombies from eating human brains and a way to stop humans from killing zombies. Understanding the basics of how zombies exist and think brings us closer to this dream. Though there are organizations that have offered us money to, for example, test pharmaceuticals on our children or experiment to find the most efficient ways to kill them, it is easy to resist the lure of easy money when one is trying to change the world.


Recently, internet forums have buzzed with rumors that the Zombie Emergency Relief Organization is now in the business of renting and selling zombie children. E-bay auctions, featuring some of our better known children such as Smiling Jack and Valentina, have sprung up overnight with bidding going into the thousands of dollars. Other sites purport to sell our zombies by the pound, with the going price of zombies only slightly more expensive than Maine lobster. Conspiracy theorists accuse us of using the children for pharmaceutical research and show doctored photos of zombie kids that have died from experiments gone bad.


None of this is true.


Due to security, we can’t throw open the doors to our sanctuary and show people these are lies. We can install webcams to prove our children are well fed, treated with love, and not used as lab animals or sold as livestock. Hopefully these will be up and running by next week and the rumor mongers and zombie haters will, once again, have to turn their vicious lies elsewhere.


With great sadness tonight, we ask you to remember that we feed the zombie children so you won’t have to.


Zombie Emergency Relief Organization